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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If your marriage felt like a disaster in the first year, did it survive? Worried i have wrongly advised my step brother...

50 replies

user1499590110 · 10/10/2017 22:26

let's call my step brother steve. steve is married to sophie. they got married 8 months ago. even before the marriage, sophie suffered from depression, and as a result, she played no part whatsoever in planning the wedding etc, and steve did it all. i have known steve since i was about 4 - we have pretty much been best friends since then - , and he and sophie were together 2 years before marriage.

since they got married, i had endless calls, texts, skype chats with steve, telling me he couldnt cope with sophie's depression, and if he had known it would be this bad before they married, he wouldnt have married her. recently, he's told me she's getting better, but he has fallen out of love with her. theyve had sex less than 5 times since they married (and yes, this is exactly the sort of chat i could do without!!).

i told him to talk to her - he did. he said he didnt feel the same about her, she said it was all her fault etc etc. they went to couples counselling, (only just started), theyre trying to fix it. then this morning he calls me in a complete state telling me he thinks he's fallen for a colleague. i am exhausted with the drama... i don't feel like i can keep supporting him.

steve is not an irrational person. he's very quiet and sincere, and i genuinely believe he has developed feelings for this colleague that are more than a distraction from his current life. as a result, i advised him to end the marriage if he really thought he was falling in love with someone else. this has now led to him having some sort of personal crisis - he hates himself, he wants it to work with sophie because he's embarrassed, he's a bad person, how could he have done this etc etc etc. asking me if he should carry on trying with sophie, then tells me he cant see it lasting. and so it goes round.

i told him marriage shouldnt be this difficult, and if they havent been happy since before the wedding and it is only 8 months in, it's unlikely to get better. i now feel like a terrible person for saying this. i just dont know what to say anymore.

OP posts:

sofato5miles · 11/10/2017 06:16

It's over. I'd advise him to leave.

ThePeanutGallery · 11/10/2017 06:22

It's over. I'd advise him to leave.

Unless he's actually having a physical affair with the colleague, I don't think it is necessarily over. I can say that I said the same things Steve said (minus the falling for a colleague, all my colleagues at the time were about 60) out of frustration and sadness. Once my DH sought help and got issue under control I realized that I still did love him very much, if I didn't, I wouldn't have given him the ultimatum.

Dealing with a partners MH issues are very hard, especially in the first year of marriage. They've started counseling. She needs to get counseling/meds for her depression. 6 months from now, this could be an unpleasant memory. 8 year from now, they could be joking about it (me and DH do).

Honestly, dealing with DH's mental health so early on in our marriage has made us stronger and more open with each other.

Wormysquirmy · 11/10/2017 06:23

It was never going to end well, was it.

Has Steve got MH problems too? They both sound very fragile. Sometimes i think if a marriage has two people who need to recover, there isn't a base. The real life experience I saw of that recently meant the marriage was over in 8 months.

I think Steve needs some reflection and counselling before he decides. A little wryly, I wonder if he is immature? If she was too depressed to plan the wedding day, what on earth did he think it was going to be like?!

Original poster

user1499590110 · 11/10/2017 07:20

the most recent problem has been that he doesnt think they are on the same intellectual level. the list just goes on. a poster suggested he also had MH issues and i think that is true. i actually think that he was always attracted to people with MH issues, when i look back on his past relationships.

OP posts:

CocoaIsGone · 11/10/2017 07:35

He sounds horrible. I feel sorry for Sophie having her issues dissected with you and then on a public forum. Having MH issues is nothing to do with intelligence. Maybe she would be happier if she were with a decent bloke who had some empathy, discretion and foresight.

Livingdiisgracefully · 11/10/2017 07:58

I don't think he sounds horrible. I think he sounds like someone with their own mh issues (fear of loss and low sense of self) that encourage him to seek out people he can look after, to distract him from his own vulnerability. None of this is conscious, obviously. You can support him but you just can't help him sort all this out, he really needs a counsellor to do that. Even if you were a counsellor, you couldn't do it for a member of your own family. You need objectivity and perspective.

You could support him to find someone - ideally someone who looks at loss and how past patterns of behaviour inform current ones (see BACP website or counselling directory). Pp is right, he would just bring these patterns into any future relationships otherwise.

It sounds very difficult for your step brother to live with this situation.it is very early in their marriage and it sounds like he got married for all the wrong reasons. It would be infinitely kinder for him to leave before embarking on an affair though.

Trills · 11/10/2017 07:58

He shouldn't have pushed on with the wedding until she was able to enthusiastically agree to getting married, IMO.

BarbarianMum · 11/10/2017 08:15

He wants to end it so support him to do so. It sounds like a disaster in action.

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 11/10/2017 08:25

FGS just extricate yourself from this drama. You're in too deep. It's not even 1% your decision whether Steve leaves Sophie or gives it another go, and the fact that you feel like it is shows you've become unhealthily enmeshed.

Tell Steve you can no longer be his sounding board for his marriage issues - that you've said all you can say and you need a break. If he can't talk about other things to you, that will need to mean a break from speaking to him. Yes I hear that he has "no one else", but he's leaning on you to an unhealthy and unsustainable extent, and if he needs that kind of intense support it probably needs to come from a professional.

TheLegendOfBeans · 11/10/2017 08:29

I think you're bang on to be honest.

If things are thus fucked 8 months in and I'm guessing that there's resentment about her condition and all the wedding planning falling to him (assumption - put me right pls) then it sounds pretty dead.

Dunno if they've had chats about children but fgs please make sure they are not going without protection (the rare times they do do the deed).

Original poster

user1499590110 · 11/10/2017 20:19

i dont know how i can not be involved when he is my brother. but i get that for both him and my sake i need to step back. i have nothing against sophie at all - shes a nice person - i guess i was looking to see how common it is for marriages to last when they are this rubbish after only a few months.

OP posts:

LuckLuckLUCK · 11/10/2017 21:24

Oh god yes, you don't want kids being added to this mix. I bet that practically all marriages that were really shit in the first year went on to continue to be shit. I can understand why you feel trapped into staying in an unhappy marriage though.

Original poster

user1499590110 · 11/10/2017 21:54

i think he does feel trapped and he doesnt love her. but then you can fall back in love so who knows.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 11/10/2017 22:19

I think your advice was good. I know several people whose marriages lasted under a year. People make mistakes and marry the wrong person. It's not uncommon.

Original poster

user1499590110 · 11/10/2017 22:29

i feel ive been dismissive when it may well be possible for them to fall back in love

OP posts:

LilyMcClellan · 12/10/2017 08:29

Eight months seems a short amount of time in which to give up on the “in sickness and in health” portion of the vows.

Steve seems to be rewriting history to suit his pending affair. I’d suggest the kindest thing to do would be to jettison Sophie as fast as possible while her ovaries are still in decent shape.

cremedelashite · 12/10/2017 08:52

Op you've said what you've said and tried to be a good friend. I remember reading somewhere about how hard the first year of marriage is. I didn't find it so but i can see why the change in dynamic makes things tricky. I don't disagree with you btw about if it's this hard now, but the whole situation is getting more complicated and I would back off.

thecatfromjapan · 12/10/2017 09:03

He needs counselling.

Marrying in that set of circumstances was utterly ridiculous.

It can be a form of self-harm to marry people you are utterly unsuited to. It sounds as though they are neither of them in a place to be getting married to someone else.

He should separate now, frankly. As someone else up-thread said, the last thing either of them need is children in this relationship, the way it is.

Who knows, after counselling, perhaps they'll get back together? However, I doubt it. I think if they sorted themselves out, they'd probably choose other people to be with. It sounds as though they've chosen each other because they are both a bit dysfunctional.

I'd say the first year of marriage would be way, way easier than the first years of being a parent. You hardly have anything to really argue about: no increase in housework and discussing allocation of work; no differing parenting styles; no lack of sleep; no deciding how you share parenting.

It sounds like a hideous situation to bring any children into.

It also sounds as though misery and duty are keeping them together. Utter madness.

thecatfromjapan · 12/10/2017 09:06

Honestly, if she was too depressed to take part in the arrangements for the wedding, they really should have spent time and money on counselling rather than getting married.

The fact that all of you seemed to think it was a better idea to go along with a wedding instead is really quite strange.

tygr · 12/10/2017 09:10

He needs to see a counsellor. That’s not to say that he’s got mental health issues or is dysfunctional or in any way broken but that he needs to make his own decisions and his own choices and it’s not fair to dump all of his stress on you - a professional is better placed to help him navigate his complicated feelings.

Good on you for supporting your brother but you don’t have to take any responsibility here. It might be the most loving and kind thing to do to suggest he finds someone else to talk to.

Couples counselling yes but he sounds like individual counselling would help him.

As for Sophie, I feel for her too but she too has to find her own path through it all.

Pregosaurus · 12/10/2017 09:14

If I were Steve, I would persevere if and only if Sophie acknowledged the problem, sought help and then followed the advice of any doctor, counsellor or therapist she saw.

Pretty cold not to support your spouse if they are doing everything they can to help themselves, very understandable to call time on the relationship if they are in denial about the problem and/or refuse to get help. She’s not to blame, because she isn’t well, but there are things she can and should be doing.

Mustang27 · 12/10/2017 10:03

Erm Steve planned this wedding he knew Sophie was depressed tell him to get his head out of his colleagues arse and actually give counselling a shot. He wanted this!

handslikecowstits · 12/10/2017 10:18

I agree you need to step back from this. Imagine if Sophie had posted the OP:

My SIL is interfering in our marriage and is advising my DH to leave me because he can't cope with my MH issues.

It sounds awful doesn't it?

bibliomania · 12/10/2017 10:19

I'd heard about the first year being tough so I grimly stuck it out for 16 months. It was a mistake and I shouldn't have lasted that long.

If he wants to leave, I think he should leave now, and for God's sake, he needs to make sure that they don't bring a child into this.

Bluetrews25 · 12/10/2017 10:23

I think you've given him great advice - firstly, to work on it, then secondly when he felt he was getting fond of someone else, to leave.
Consider changing tactics, to be a bit more counsellor-like - oh dear, that must be distressing, what do you think about it?/what do you think you should do next? So you just listen, but don't make suggestions.
He probably won't hold your advice against you, as he wants to maintain all his relationships.

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