Advice needed - friend in a real mess.

[lastqueenofscotland]

Sorry this might be long and I need to keep this quite vague so as not to out friend...
Basically a very good friend of mine has got into a real mess and has asked for some advice and to be honest I don't know where to start... usually i'd just read someone doing what she is doing the riot act but it's not that simple.

For context she is bright, kind, remarkably successful career etc but also has had a shit hand, both parents died while she was school age, ended up in a horrifically abusive relationship when she was quite young, ended up with police involvement When she left this relationship she moved on fairly quickly to her current partner who is very very nice, calm, gentle, but a maybe a bit dull? Also has a horrifically aggressive eating disorder and has done for as long as i've known her (several years) and a history of depression and i think is just desperate for people to be nice to her.
She was round at my house the other night and bawled her eyes out all night about the situation whereby she has basically met someone else who sounds perfectly pleasant (I don't know them so can only go off what she says) and has basically ended up having an affair and is in utter turmoil.

Anyone else i think i would have gone utterly nuclear at and told them that what they are doing is outrageous but I think her previous relationship has her terrified of trying to leave/she is just desperate for people to be nice to her and this new man is? I also think she is very vulnerable and just telling her off won't help, she is well aware what she is doing is wrong and torn in two.
I want to tell her i don't think there is a future in either of them and that she probably needs some time alone but how do i say this nicely?!
I just feel so utterly heartbroken for her as i just want a relationship of hers to work out and her to be happy .

Has she actually asked for your opinion?

I think as her friend, and given that oy describe her as being basically a good person, you should offer her your friendship no matter what she decides to do.

It doesn't mean you have to condone her affair.

Im sorry you are in this situation, it sounds heavy. But she seems to be suffering (speaking as someone who has suffered for eating disorders for many years), and she already feels like shit about it all.

You don't really need to state your opinion. It is all very fresh. Just be there when she needs to talk. She might need you to figure out what is the best thing to do, but you can't make that choice for her.

Yes... as I said in my OP she bawled her eyes out for hours in my house a few nights ago asking what to do next?

Poor love, what a tough time she's had, life can be really hard. 😞

I think she needs to talk to her current partner. That way you are not caught in the middle if it gets messy (and it will), but still be a good friend.

And as others say, just be there for her to listen and be a shoulder to cry on.

You sound very caring, hope it all works out for her.

No matter how nice or what her issues are, shes still choosing to put her needs and wants over those of her boyfriend

she has left a difficult relationship but sounds like she has found another person who treats her well. That's great for her.

If she doesn't want to be with that person anymore (and it may be difficult) it's ok, things don't always work out and she should be honest and truthful.

However it sounds like she shouldn't be picking between one man and another. She should pick herself and be by herself for a while. She needs to get to know herself, grow a bit without anyone always by her side and have a breather from drama. Alone does not mean lonely.

It's difficult to get your bearings going from one relationship to another and if you don't have time alone you are more likely to end up in relationships which are not right for you

It's possible her history is impacting on her ability to manage long-term relationships.

If I were you, I would suggest she seeks counselling which will provide an opportunity for her to have the time and space to talk everything through confidentially...the relationship issues, the eating disorder, the loss of her parents at a young age...all of it. I would be reluctant to give any advice on what she should actually do other than this.

One thing is for sure though, this is not about the relationships, this is about her own self-worth and self-image and it is this that needs to be addressed within the context of a therapeutic relationship, not a friendship.

I suggest you be there for her as a friend but not as a counsellor, for both of your sakes.

I find in this world often people are capable of being hero's and villains at the same time. That is complexity of being human. Sometimes we have to accept the world is not black and white and people are bad qualities as well as good. Good people are perfectly capable of being dicks too. That doesn't mean for all the good someone is you can condone the bad. What she is doing could cause a lot of hurt. And anyone like my self who's been on the receiving end will know. But she is a friend and you see the good in her too. I would say be there for her but don't support her wrong actions emotionally, morally or physically. Don't let her drag you into it. Hopefully she will come to her senses before the damage is too much. If not and it all comes crashing now she may need a good friend.

Yes, I like shark's advice to encourage her to be honest to her current partner , however hard it is. That has to come first as it's unfair on him and they need to work out if they can make their relationship work or better to end it before she worries another second about the man she's having an affair with. And I would probably tell her you appreciate her trust in you and that you'll be there to help her but equally that you can't support her keeping it hidden as it makes it all worse.

Mud I very much agree I think she does need councelling.

Thank you all, I do agree she needs to speak to her current partner.

My ex wife had a very troubled up bringing. She used it as an excuse for what she did. But then she is a person who never takes responsibilities for her own actions. Always something/someone else's fault. I just think she is one of those people who is not cut out for long term living relationships or family life.