Selfish/passive in bed

[Gimmeareason]

I feel like my boyfriend is selfish in bed. He's a great guy out of it! :,-D A really nice, sweet, funny and dare I say it completely fucking hot guy!

But in bed its just like.....meh. He's in his 30s so should know better. He's just so boring and uninspiring, there seems to be no kind of playfulness or anything, he just kind of waits for me to lead and take things down a certain route. I have to actually ask and guide him towards doing some stuff and its like come on now. You're a grown up and we've been together a year.

Basically I want him to take control and dominate more, but you cant really ASK for that can you?! Since ot kind of misses the point...

Any experience? Our relationship is otherwise great.

I think it's more of a two way thing than one person being selfish. Part of being good in bed is being able to communicate what you want and go in their and make sure you damn well get it 😅 Which it doesn't sound like you are tbh

OP can you start the conversation by telling him you had a fantasy or dream about him doing X. Tell him how turned on you were by it. That's how me and my partner have asked each other for stuff in the past. We're a bit more upfront nowadays but if I had a fantasy about a particular thing I'd definitely still tell him and between us we'd make it happen.

Would that work as a way to ask?

Don't be fooled OP. You can't talk someone into becoming a better or more passionate lover. Talking about stuff doesn't always help in every situation. You can make someone aware that they are not good enough for you in bed but it won't turn them into a Casanova suddenly.
You'll be having problems with this issue forever and you'll keep coming to MN to complain about your meh sex life. Your partner might make an attempt for a while to appear more passionate to please you then he will get tired of the pretence and sink back to his usual level. Don't try and change people, just find the right ones for you.

I agree with @BlokeHereInPeace some men, wait for the green light so to speak. Rightfully so most men do not want to cross any boundaries,I would just be upfront and say how you like it, and ask him if he likes anything particular etc etc .. but saying that going by your post if it has been a year and he knows what you like but still isn't satisfying you I would just say your tastes are incompatible.

I have to agree that the OP needs to discuss it a lot more with her man, as he is not going to know if he isn't told. However, as a few people have said, it's unlikely he will ever really change.

@username7979

A lot of men are selfish. Women need to be a bit assertive about their demands. Bottom line, they come almost every time and women hardly do. I am with a woman and we both orgasm every time because we know what we want.

Are you sure about that? 🙄 I am willing to bet your woman doesn't have an orgasm every time, even if she claims she does.

Roughly 70%-80% of women fake orgasms most of the time they have sex.

And many pretend they have had an orgasm because they're getting a bit bored, and just want their man to stop fucking them.

It's a taboo subject, and not many women will admit to faking it, and they especially won't admit they fake it to bring the 'sex session' to an end because they're getting a bit bored, but it's true.

Yes gimmeareason, exactly like that - why is talking to your partner about sex awkward for you?

If a man has only ever had a couple of partners, and both those partners were very much not into "fuck me hard from behind" and were, say, missionary position only and only ever in bed and always with the lights out then to some extent he's going to have become conditioned by that.

Let's say you were shit at DIY. You wanted a shelf put up in your kitchen. You wouldn't just leave a bracket and piece of wood lying around the lounge expecting your partner to know that you wanted him to put up a shelf, in which room, and on which wall, and at what height. You'd ASK him to do it.

Men are no more mindreaders than women are.

Honestly the OP is meant to tell this man she finds him boring in bed hmm.

Yes, If she wants things to change. The issue isn’t him being selfish but that he has a very different sexual style and to hers. There’s a compromise to be had but not if the OP continues to see her bf as the problem. However, at the end of the day if they aren’t sexually compatible then all the huffing and puffing and cajoling isn’t going to change that.

But you wouldn’t word it “I find you boring in bed”.

You might word it “I love it when you do.....”

I talk about sex quite often with my partner - what works, what doesn’t. What mood we’re i

TippzI am a woman too! And I can tell you she is not faking it.
I used a fake it with my ex-husband sometimes. Most of the time I did not enjoy it with him

What? 70-80% of women fake orgasm most of the time? What a depressing thought. Not true, surely!