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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Separation and finances

24 replies

flowerbomb75 · 09/10/2017 17:04

Does anyone know if I can get a financial settlement done whilst being separated and without actually having to file for a divorce? Thanks 😊

OP posts:

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 09/10/2017 17:38

I think you can have a separation agreement drawn up. Not sure how they work but google will tell you more. Divorce lawyers usually do a free 30 minute meeting so I expect you could ask in one of those.

Original poster

flowerbomb75 · 09/10/2017 18:04

Thank you. I've seen a solicitor for a free consultation but she just talked more about a divorce. Can't afford one of those yet but really need to get finances sorted 😬

OP posts:

ChristinaParsons · 09/10/2017 21:00

You can, but they are not legally binding

Original poster

flowerbomb75 · 09/10/2017 21:31

Great thank you 😊

OP posts:

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 09/10/2017 23:07

Book another free consultation with a different firm and go armed with a list of questions about separation agreements. Don't pre-warn them. When you get there just say you're thinking about drawing up a separation agreement before divorcing find out how much a separation agreement will cost and then ask what goes in them, how they're enforced if your H doesn't fulfil his side etc.

Original poster

flowerbomb75 · 09/10/2017 23:31

Good idea, I'll do that. Thank you. He's left me with loads of debt and has just walked away and started a new life with someone else. Spending all of his money on her doing nice things whilst I'm struggling xx

OP posts:

ChristinaParsons · 09/10/2017 23:35

Be very careful. You could spend a lot on legal fees and end up with something that is not enforceable

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 09/10/2017 23:59

In that case... do you think he'd sign a separation agreement? It would need both parties to sign it. It doesn't sound like it. When you have your free consultation ask about how a separation agreement can be enforced and the cost of such enforcement. It will probably be a fortune.

If he's just walked away and left you with debt the reality is he's not going to sign a legal agreement so save your money and put it towards divorce costs.

Original poster

flowerbomb75 · 10/10/2017 06:34

I'm not sure, he wanted to put in for a Legal Separation as he said he didn't think I would agree to a divorce. Apparently he has the paperwork to do it?! Maybe I'll let him carry on and do it so he can pay most of the money towards it, seeing as it's him that's left me! 😢

OP posts:

Onecall · 10/10/2017 06:36

My solicitor told me not to bother with a separation agreement. It is better to go for divorce.

43percentburnt · 10/10/2017 06:42

He doesn't think you would agree to a divorce! He must think he is a catch! Surprise him tell him you totally want a divorce, the sooner the better, so you can move on with your life without him in it.

Original poster

flowerbomb75 · 10/10/2017 07:01

He's kept changing his mind about wanting a divorce but now adamant he wants one, trouble is he doesn't want to pay for it, and I can't afford it. Just need finances sorted at the moment 😩 He's been so cruel and says the reason he fell out of love with me and left me for someone else is because of money 😩

OP posts:

43percentburnt · 10/10/2017 16:56

Tell him you are very happy to divorce and you will sign the papers as quick as you receive them. He will no doubt tell everyone you are delaying.

What does he mean he left you due to money?

Are there any assets? House, pension, savings? If so don't forget to take your full legal entitlement. Don't let him have it to keep him happy, he'll blame you regardless - so you may as well take your full legal entitlement.

Ellisandra · 10/10/2017 17:05

Do not piss about with a Separation Agreement. Just divorce him.
Otherwise the money on a Separation agreement is wasted.
How complicated /intertwined are your finances?
How have you got his debts? Did you pay something off for him and move it to your name?

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 10/10/2017 17:12

He's probably downloaded legal separation forms for free. They won't be worth a bean in court if it's not been properly drawn up by solicitors. Tell him you're happy to consent to a divorce and let him go ahead and instruct his solicitor to file. He thinks he's pulling the wool over your eyes about something...

Original poster

flowerbomb75 · 10/10/2017 17:36

43percentburn We had quite a bit of debt, all in my name as he couldn't get any credit. When we first met I'd also remortgaged my house to pay off his debts so he could go on the mortgage eventually. As we didn't have money to go out and do things together due to paying for the debts and his drinking habit, which he venomly denies, he's left me for someone else. So he's walked away with no debt and I've had to take out an IVA in order to keep the house. He's having a wonderful time spending his money on this other woman and he said it's all easy now and he's much happier 😩

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 10/10/2017 19:22

You absolutely cannot afford to piss about with a Separation agreement.
You need to divorce him, and you need a good solicitor to fight for you to get as much as possible in recognition of having paid off his debts.

It's complicated once you marry, and there are no hard be fast rules. But that's actually sometimes a good thing. Get every single bit of evidence together that you can that you were paying off his debts, and talk to a solicitor about what you should propose re finances.

What has he said he wants to do?
Do you have any equity left in the house or did you remortgage most of it away?

Original poster

flowerbomb75 · 10/10/2017 21:06

There's not a lot of equity in the house because of the IVA, but I've been told he's liable for half that debt, not sure how it stands with the IVA but I had to do something sharpish before I lost the house 😩 Also been told he's Liable to pay some maintenance for the kids, even though they're not his they're 'children of the family'. After what he's done and how he's
treated me I don't want him to get off scot free!! He started getting arsey when I mentioned maintenance and helping with the IVA. One minute he wants money from the house the next he doesn't arghhh

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 10/10/2017 21:23

And what are each of your pension situations like?

babybarrister · 10/10/2017 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

flowerbomb75 · 10/10/2017 21:47

I have an NHS Pension and he has one from the local government. He is a higher earner than me. Does that get taken into account too then?

OP posts:

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 11/10/2017 01:04

Yes. In a divorce only. You'll get a pension sharing order from the court. The pension administrators will have to follow the order. He can't control that.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 11/10/2017 01:06

How long were you married?

Original poster

flowerbomb75 · 11/10/2017 06:37

Oh I didn't know that. Been together 8 1/2 years but only married for 2 years. He has a history of broken relationships and was only with me for so long as I've taken him back twice before. Don't think he realised the consequences of getting divorced otherwise I don't think he would have got married. I'm absolutely heartbroken to have to go through all of this and what a changed man he's become 😔

OP posts:

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