To send or not to send...

[Cherryblossom200]

So I'm looking for a bit of advice please. I'm really very undecided about sending a message to the father of my daughter. To cut a long story short I was in a relationship with him for a few months, we both wanted children (both late 30's) I fell pregnant unexpectedly and he ran. He is living in another country (very far away) and I have brought up our daughter happily on my own with the support of my amazing family. I work and have my own house so I don't really need him in our lives.

When my daughter was born I informed him as he requested. I also always said he is welcome to co-parent if he wished but he decided he wanted to pursue a life of being a beach bum so I left him to it.

Zoom forward a few years later. I had to contact him recently to ask for a full family health history due to finding out my daughter has a heart murmur. It's not serious and something she will grow out of but the hospital advised I should have a full health history for her. So I approached him and was half expecting him to ignore my message. We have had no contact since my little girl was born (his choice). He replied a week later providing the necessary details. But he didn't ask after her. Just gave what was needed and that was that.

I have been thinking since we have had this little bit of contact if I should ask if he wishes to start building a relationship with his daughter. If not I won't contact him again. This is a HUGE step for me. Selfishly I don't want him in our lives. We are happy our little unit. My daughter is happy and stable. But I feel for my daughter it would good for her to know more about her father. He I suspect will ignore my message. But I feel I should try on behalf of my daughter?

Any advice please? I want to make he right decision on behalf of my little girl.

Thanks x

I'd leave well alone, If he had wanted a relationship with your DD he'd have asked after her when he sent the info.

He knows where you are. If he wants to foster a relationship, it is for him to come to you. Assuming you have never reneged on your offer to allow him to be a parent, he most likely understands that you are open to his input. He hasn't offered, so don't waste your time or your effort on offering something he clearly doesn't want.

More fool him.

He replied with what you needed and nothing more.
If he wanted more, he would have given an Inkling.
He didn’t even ask how she was.

I wouldn't bother. He already knows he can have a relationship with her if he wants but hasn't bothered. This last contact with him means that you both know each other's email addresses are still valid and gave him an opportunity to ask after her if he wanted to. He didn't. I would assume he doesn't want to and leave him to it.

He has shown no sign of being interested in your DD - not even when you gave him the opportunity recently when he provided his health info. He isn't going to be interested now, why bother writing?

He has shown no sign of being interested in your DD - not even when you gave him the opportunity recently when he provided his health info. He isn't going to be interested now, why bother writing?

Will letting him into her life benefit her in any way? It's not sounding like it will seeing as you contacted him about a health issue concerning his own daughter and he didn't even ask you anything about her. Tbh I think you'd just be setting both you and your daughter up for him to let you down.

Thanks this is what my gut instinct was telling me not to bother. But a few people I know said it might be a good idea to try. To allow my daughter to find out more about him and possibly have some form of relationship. But I think you're all right he will just let her down which would upset me.

I guess you can't miss what you don't know, right? x

Well it sounds like she has a loving caring family and is doing well enough without him. You've opened the lines of communication and he could quite easily use them to ask after his daughter but the fact that he hasn't probably tells you all you need to know.

You can't make someone interested and TBH he has had ample opportunity but still chooses to ignore so I wouldn't waste any more time dwelling on it.

If he wanted a relationship with his daughter, you'd know by now.

He had the opportunity to show interest when you contacted him about medical history - he didn't. I wouldn't pursue. When your dd is old enough to look him up on her own as a young adult, she can, and I would then support her to do so if she wants (and make sure she has access to support while doing so). But it's not on you to try to bring him into her life.

He knows where you both are. If you change contact details, let him know, but otherwise the ball is in his court.

Thanks everyone, words of wisdom as always!

He might though, years later, think he has no right to ask. I think if you sent it, you're no worse off.

Kisses that's what my friends were thinking. Perhaps he feels he has no right to ask. He signed his rights away when he left. He isn't on the birth certificate either.

The message which I wrote was sent by a family member - I didn't want direct contact and was similar to his message. It was just asking for the details, straight to the point with no emotion...x