Would this bother you after 17 years? (Sex problem)

[littlestarinajar]

My dh And I have been together 17 years since we were in school. We have a generally good relationship , no major issues or problems.

But the last few years sex has been really terrible. He went through a year or so of having trouble sustaining an erection and although it’s slightly better now frankly it so “up and down” that’s it’s impossible for me to actually enjoy sex in that way.

We do do other things but tbh it just feels like he is not really enjoying it (even though he does often initiate it)

I don’t have a huge sex drive I’m not asking for rampant sex on a daily basis I just want loving Sex that is pleasurable for both of us! It’s got to the point where I fantasise about random people because I know that’s as good as it will get - which isn’t like me at all!

I have tried to talk to him about this but it’s hard to put into words without making things worse!

What would you do?
Would you accept that that is just how it is?
He is unwilling to seek any help for the erection issue so there’s no point trying he has made that clear.

I was going to suggest he sees his doctor for help but he's not willing to? This is very selfish of him

No he denies there’s a problem at all - when it’s pretty obvious this is:

Very difficult if he denies it

Buy yourself a huge dildo and if he asks why say you want something that's always hard?!

He needs to go see a doctor. ED can be caused by:
Diabetes
High blood pressure
Heart disease
Alcohol and smoking
Obesity
Low testosterone
Prostate problems
Prescription medications such as those to treat high blood pressure and cholesterol "Performance" anxiety

May be if you phrase it that he needs to make sure he doesn't have diabetes or high blood pressure or something, it might take the sting out of the conversation. He needs to take responsibility for his penis, even though living in denial seems easier.

I agree with Coyote! My friend confided that her dh had similar problems for years, then he had a massive heart attack at 55! If he had gone to his g.p for support, they would have found that his arteries were plugged with fat, causing poor circulation. My friends dh only survived, because he lives just next to the hospital! This is not only selfish but potentially dangerous for your dh to ignore. My friend and her dh have not had a physical side to their marriage for fifteen years and never will again. Can you live the rest of your life without intimacy? I know that I couldn't.

I have tried to explain that to him but he’s the kind of person that hates talking about anything with doctors it took me 6 months to get him to one when he had a hernia I would have been there the day it appeared.

We do have “intimacy” but it’s just limited.

I'm off the age where using the occasional pill has worked utter wonders. They are available online from safe pharmacies and I thoroughly recommend them as an aide to get things back on a rigid again.

"I have tried to talk to him about this but it’s hard to put into words without making things worse!"

"I have tried to explain that to him but he’s the kind of person that hates talking about anything"

I don't understand if you've told him that his penis is a problem. In addition to the fact that it doesn't work for you, it could also indicate that he has serious underlying medical issues that could be treated.

Make it worse. Make it really uncomfortable. Get in his face. It could save his life. (Or your marriage.)

And no, I would not accept that "how it is." How old are you guys anyway?

Coyote we are both 34.

What I mean when I say I’ve tried to talk to him is that I have clearly said that I think he needs to see a doctor about his erection problems - he gets in a huff either storms off or if it’s after we have had sex rolls over and refuses to speak to me. He’s then unbearable until I apologise.

34?! I thought you were going to say much older.

He's not into porn is he?

Blimey, at 34 he definitely should seek medical help! DH had similar problems and it turned out he had underlying health problem affecting his hormones. Sorted the hormones, sorted in the bedroom. It would frustrate me, not so much the bedroom issues but his denial and refusal to seek help. Are there any other indicators he might be ill? Low in mood? Tired a lot?

I don’t think he is into porn but obviously I can’t be 100%. He doesn’t spend much time alone tbh! We have children who are always around and he doesn’t go off on his own he tends to be near me when he’s in the house - and when he isn’t he’s just at work. I can’t see where he would have any time alone to have a major porn habit!

You know there's a problem. He knows there's a problem.

Every time he gets an erection, he's scared the bugger will flag. And because he becomes stressed it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. He therefore thinks, whilst it's up, before it flags get it over and done with.

He knows afterwards it wasn't fulfilling for either of you and becomes angry with himself, and deflecting some of it on you. This just adds to the stress which makes a hard on even more elusive and so the cycle continues.

Both of you need to break the cycle, although I don't think sitting down and having a serious chat would lower the stress levels!

Lastly, the sympathy shown towards male ED, as shown on this thread, is lacking. It also contributes to why men might be unwilling to seek help.

Faith he is irritable and he gets lots of aches and pains but to be fair he always has - it’s just how he is it’s not a new thing really.

Stop apologizing and quit caring if he is happy. He has a real problem. It is a both a health problem and marriage problem. It isn't your job to make him happy.

Or just make an exit plan. He sounds like an arse. It's one thing to have a physical problem, it's quite another to punish your spouse for discussing it.

Is he a heavy smoker?

When DH was diagnosed, they said he could have been getting worse over a number of years. He definitely needs to see a GP.

Bran no he has never smoked and doesn’t drink much at all (maybe a few pints a month if that). We are really not very exciting people

Faith - the only thing that I can think of health wise is that he had an X-ray about 2 years ago for hip pain which showed shadows on his bones . He was supposed to go back for more tests but point blank refuses - believe me I have tried so have his mum and sister.

At the end of the day I can’t (and wouldn’t want to) make him go anywhere or so anything he won’t agree to - it is a source of worry for me!

I am in this very same position. Except he’s had this problem since he was very young long before we met. Was sucidally unhappy about it in his 20s but STILL DIDNT GO TO THE DOCTOR! It’s on and off now but we can never be spontaneous and sometimes it ends abruptly or he loses it halfway and we mess about for 20 minutes awkwardly trying to fix it by which point I don’t want to carry on. I’m sick of pretending it’s fine tbh. My previous relationships were all very much based on sex and it’s a miserable situation to be in. I’m sick of pretending to fine about it and tiptoeing around the issue. I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say it’s shit and I know how you feel.

Also it’s not about ‘the sympathy shown towards ED’ it’s about the reluctance of so many men to acknowledge a problem and get help. I don’t love smear tests or mammograms or getting pregnancy piles looked at or epidurals or labour pains or blood tests or anything medical. Doesn’t mean I can opt out.

In your first post, you said, "We have a generally good relationship , no major issues or problems."

Later you added, " he gets in a huff either storms off or if it’s after we have had sex rolls over and refuses to speak to me. He’s then unbearable until I apologise." and "he is irritable"

You have relationship problems. You are married to man who is irritable, at time unbearable, storms off, and refuses to speak to you. I'm sure all those behaviors have you well trained to avoid the triggers that cause them, so it seems like he doesn't do them all that often, but it sounds like the reasons they don't happen more often is you walk on egg shells to not provoke him. Those are serious red flags for emotional abuse.

Perhaps individual counseling to start sorting out what the heck is going on in your relationship would be a good idea.

Relationship counseling would be pointless. He most likely wouldn't go, and if he did, he sounds like the type to use anything he learns there against you to keep you quiet.