DH sleeps on sofa EVERY evening!!

[Cheesecakeistheanswer]

It drives me utterly mad. DH falls asleep every single evening on the sofa - often while I'm up putting the kids to bed (8.30-9). Or if not, by 9.30 at the latest. So I turn the TV up enough to hear it over his snoring (but not enough that he wakes up, turns it down - then goes back to sleep!!) So I go to bed alone - and more often than not wake up alone too, as he's either got up early, or gone to the spare room.

He gets up early for work but I get up about half an hour later, so I can understand he's tired - but his hours don't explain his sleep patterns. And it happens at the weekend too.

Things aren't good at the moment, so I think this might be a deliberate - or unconscious - way of checking out of the relationship.

I'm unhappy - and lonely - in my own marriage. But I don't know if this is IT. The kids find him increasingly grumpy - and can be upset by his moods. But they also love him.

I don't know what to do... Sorry, think this is about more than sleep!!

Following this with interest. I’m another sofa widow. It can feel very lonely. I just long to have some kind of interaction with him after the DCs are in bed, but it’s impossible for him to watch anything on TV anymore, without him falling asleep. Then I don’t enjoy the TV programme as I want to engage with to him about whatever we’re watching - but spend so much time trying to keep him awake that the TV becomes pointless.

Stinkymimi - that is EXACTLY how I feel! Everywhere we go for dinner too, he falls asleep at the table, I'm so embarassed and he just doesn't seem to care. I think he would if we could swap and he saw how he looks! It's nice to know I'm not the only one but such a shame they won't do anything about it.

Why are you the only one putting the kids to bed? misses the point

Now my dh has his CPAP he can feel the difference in himself and is ashamed he let it go for so long and he put me and our dd through it all for so long and needlessly.

It's only now that he realises how he was wasn't him and that he now has a full life where he feel happy and has enthusiasm. He couldn't see that at the time.

That was my marriage too.

Past tense.

Same about eating healthily, exercise, doing stuff that didn't involve sitting in front of a keyboard for hours. He's still the same.
He does, admittedly, pull his weight around the house domestically but he wasn't present as a full partner.
Work and computer games are his thing, along with a bit of keyboard warrior activity.
Yawn...

I'll mention the CPAP/sleep apnoea thing. That could be an issue.

@prettywhiteguitar - I am, quite seriously. At the moment I wake up alone (even at weekends because he's woken up early and gone out on his bike/ended up in the spare room due to broken sleep). Then family days have been marred by his moods recently. And in the evenings, DCs go to bed around 8.30/9 - and he's asleep when I come back down or soon after. He CANNOT be woken. So after the whole TV-at-just-loud-enough-but-not-too-loud thing I go to bed alone too.

I'm posting on here because I no longer know what I'm being reasonable about and what not (see my AIBU thread about him saying eldest DD looked like she was having a fit...!!)

I feel so miserable about it all and dread family time (week away next week... hope that goes well...) But I know it's easy to get into a pattern where they can breathe the wrong way.

Having you lot commenting is really helpful!!

See this matter really bloody annoys me as I really think it's a feminist issue, women just don't fall asleep all the time on the sofa do they? OK I know there are exceptions, but on the whole women are running around holding everything together and sorting everything out, sorting the kids out, always thinking about the next meal, the washing, the household admin, all the fucking wifework plus working. Men fall asleep on the sofa because somehow it is acceptable and they don't see a problem with it. I think it's massively ill-mannered and rude, especially in front of other people especially when making a 10 decibel racket. It's like this with my family at Christmas, my mum, aunties, me, my sisters all running around like blue-arsed flies while men fall asleep on the sofa. Grrrrr.

Hahabloodyha says it all for me

Just take steps to separate from him. It's a joyless and dull existence and he just takes you for granted. It'll grind on and on when you could be happy living life on your terms and maybe eventually, with a man who doesn't fall asleep every day on the sofa

Our youngest DD (8) was off school after being sick in the night. I had to go to the GP for myself. So I woke him up at 9.30 (he'd gone back to bed). I expected grumbling - but he plain refused to get up because "he needed more sleep". So I had to leave her 2 floors down from him with a sick bowl. He got up over half an hour later

That would have been the moment I decided to end it.

Is fidgeting during sleep a sign of sleep apnea? I'm pretty sure dh has an issue, snoring, startling himself awake, and some nights the fidgeting never stops....

Ownedby - I think so, it can't be restful sleep.

I think not looking after a sick child in favour of staying in bed in unacceptable, does he not see that at least?

Mine did this for years and years until I was ready to kill him. He'd wake up after I'd gone to bed and sit up half the night watching films.

Finally got him to the GP last year and like others, dx with serious sleep apnoea. He has a CPAP machine and no longer acts like a bear with a sore head all the time.

My DH has got a sleep disorder that he refuses to take any medication for. We've had great advice from our GP that he refuses to try any of. He comes home from work, eats tea and falls asleep for an hour. He then falls asleep again around 9-10pm, and comes to bed around midnight. I go earlier to get to sleep before he comes up. He then fissles, kicks the bed, turns over repeatedly for around an hour - gets up and eats toast/cereal then comes back to bed and is generally disturbed until around 4am when he goes into a deep sleep. He then is woken by the alarm at 7am, and is tired. His secretary let slip that he sleeps for an hour in his chair after lunch.

I despair, he's in a constant cycle of disturbed sleep and it drives me past insane especially when he disturbs me. How we are together is more down to my need to keep the family together than any love or affection, trust me. If anyone has an answer other than manslaughter, I'm all ears

@Hunkle I've thought about it before but yes, I left the house staggered at what he'd (not) done and thinking it might have to happen. I was partly there for a smear - and ended up.telling the nurse all about what had happened while she did it!

I'm not in the best place at the moment. I had a second big op earlier this year to deal with an hip/back thing that had been going on for 5 years. I've neglected friendships because I focussed the energy I had on the DCs and work.

Now I'm trying to work on that bit of my life - and work out what I should do at home.

I doubt myself and my responses to his words/moods. Basically I need you all round mine to give me on-the-spot feedback!!

Are you the same poster who posted about her husband earlier and the way he spoke to your child of 10 years when she was having a tantrum?

To me it sounds like he is either depressed, has a health issue or has lost interest in you and doesn't have the bollocks to address it or leave. Many men are like this. Lose interest but want you to be the "bad guy" and end it!

This sounds like me. As soon as I relax on the sofa in the evening I fall asleep! Sometimes my husband does too. We do however always end up in the same bed but I can't remember the last time we went to bed at the same time. We regularly sit in different rooms in the evenings watching TV. We have hardly any common interests when it comes to the TV.
I think we are both just exhausted 3 young kids, we both work full time very demanding jobs and spend 2 hours minimum a day in the car commuting. Perry much out the house 7-6.30 every day. Life at the moment seems exhausting and we are stuck in a bit of a rut. I do feel that if we actually did more we would feel less tired, however there are days where I feel I can make no effort to do anything.
I do think however I would be unhappy if we didn't end up in the same bed each night. I hope you get things sorted one way or the other. The situation you describe does not seem that unusual from my experience and all the responses, that is not saying it is right but hopefully with some honest communication you can sort things out.

To all these people whose partners have subsequently received an apnoea diagnosis - were you aware of a lot of snoring / startling / their disturbed sleep? Mine snores when he’s on his back, but it’s much better when he sleeps on his side (most of the time). I’m not particularly aware of him fidgeting in the night either, but I do know that bed is not a happy place for either of us at the moment - the late nights and early starts of juggling full time work with a family mean that it’s become solely a place for exhausted people to rest for whatever hours they can grab. Sex has gone out the window.

I'm guilty of that too - I've given up going to the cinema as it's just an expensive sleep. Pantomimes let alone anything vaguely grown up are the same. For me, I've got a dreadful sleeping pattern but I don't want to go to bed at 9pm, think that this evening will be different and I won't drop off.......... but I usually do. It tends to get later and later but by the time I end up waking up downstairs at 4am I have a couple of early nights and re-set things. It's not avoiding my OH though.

WELL! He's been to see the dr this morning and has a referral to the sleep clinic plus bloods for thyroid etc! Thank you everyone, think it's the push that he needed. I hope things will improve and I'll repost in time.

That's really good news.

Just wanted to give you a few warnings based on our experience.

When he sees the consultant he'll be examined for any physical reasons for his snoring as there are numerous causes in different places in the airway.

Chances are he'll has to complete a questionnaire with the consultant. You need to bare in mind that he didn't see enough of a problem to get referred without you pushing for it. He will probably minimise the problem in this questionnaire because it's not a problem to him, it's normal! So make sure you go with him and make sure you tell the consultant when the answers he gives are wrong. You need to score highly enough from this to be referred on for a sleep study so this is vital.

I’m going to say something different from everyone in the fact it’s either both of us or sometimes just me that falls asleep on the sofa every evening! I usually wake up about 2am and think sh!t fallen asleep on the sofa again.. better get into bed it’s more just a bad habit on our part I think though, we’re both so tired we fall asleep watching tv and before we know it, it’s in the AM. DH teases me about it but I don’t think he’s upset by it as it’s something we have both done for maybe 3-4 years of the 5 years we have been together!

Thanks Joysmum, I think now he's made the first move he will follow it through, he already knows (and it's obvious) he has a problem with his nose which was broken many years ago and never reset. We don't actually live in the UK so I think the referral may be easier although probably a bit of a wait. I'm a bit excited, I can hardly imagine a life without him falling asleep!