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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH has just left the house in tears, don't know what to do (long)

19 replies

Monkeybar · 10/04/2007 10:53

My dh has taken on extra work tp help the family business and is finding it tough going. We aren't getting on very well at the moment either. To add to the general crapness my car has broken down and had to be towed away today.
DH had organised for someone to come and mend our washing machine today, and although I am not at work today, I had things organised to do. The call out fee was £85 and parts would be extra. I have been outside all morning with the AA man trying to get my car loaded onto the tow truck, so although dh rang repeatedly there was no reply (both phones inside), so he turned up to let the bloke in and was not best pleaed by me being at home, as it meant he had come back unneccesarily. I explained and apologised, but he came inside with me because I wanted to check that I had enough cash to pay the man. I had £85 exactly, but didn't know if we'd need parts. DH looked in his wallet and added £1.30 to the pile, at which I laughed and said, 'don't bother'. He said 'I'm sorry, I'll go and get some cash' and I said not to worry, I could pay by cheque. He stormed out saying ' Nothing I do is good enough' his lip trembling and tears in his eyes. I went out after him to try to see what the REAL problem was and he wouldn't talk to me. I'm worried about the amount of stress he's taken upom himself and although he can be hellishly frustrating at times, I hate seeing him upset. For once, I don't think I'm the cause of it (he has been upset in the past if I've had a bit of a go for whatever reason), but this is something totally different and I don't know what I can do to help. Any suggestions onhow to get him to open up to me?

OP posts:
colditz · 10/04/2007 10:54

Ask him about money, and if he is keeping anything from you

colditz · 10/04/2007 10:54

I would almost guarantee it's about money.

Monkeybar · 10/04/2007 10:56

The odd thing is, I don't think it IS about money - he came into quite a large sum last year and afaik he's still got plenty in his account.

OP posts:
warthog · 10/04/2007 10:57

yup - sounds like money to me. sit him down tonight calmly and just ask him straight.

warthog · 10/04/2007 10:57

or perhaps he's not coping with the extra work load. is he getting out occasionally to enjoy himself?

Monkeybar · 10/04/2007 10:59

We hardly ever get out to enjoy ourselves, either together or separately. I do think the extra work may be the root cause, as if he feels he's being pulled in all directions adn nothing he does seems good enough at work in the family business, I can see that he's got a point, but I'll bear the brunt of it.

OP posts:
warthog · 10/04/2007 11:05

perhaps you need to sit down and talk about whether this extra work is necessary.

ChipButty · 10/04/2007 11:05

It sounds like stress of work to me. You need time to relax together away from the pressure if at all possible. Is there due to be a let up in the amount of work he's doing soon? Could you book a long weekend so that there's something to look forward to?

Gobbledigook · 10/04/2007 11:07

Yep, sounds as though he is shattered and overwhelmed (I know the feeling!). You definitely need to sit down with him tonight and talk through why he is unhappy and what you can do about it.

Londonmamma · 10/04/2007 11:10

I think his comment 'nothing I do is good enough' is very telling. For whatever reason, he feels he's working extremely hard and it's not being recognised, so his pride is very bruised. 'Getting him to open up to you' is a very female way of dealing with this sort of thing and maybe what he really needs to feel is that a) he's doing OK for the family b)you respect him c) you trust him to sort this out and that you are there to listen if he wants to talk.

Ifonlyhewould · 10/04/2007 11:32

I agree with Londonmamma. I think he just needs to feel he is doing his bit and doing it well. He is obviously feeling the pressure. Men don't offload like us ladies, maybe everything is getting to him a little. Me think this calls for some TLC towards DH.

coleyboy · 10/04/2007 11:40

Sounds like he's in a situation where he's got so much to do, that nothing is getting done properly - which is a stress in itself.

My DP suffers with this (he runs his own company) and gets really frustrated and stressed when it happens. However, like all things it works itself out.

I find lots of understanding, talking, cuddles and kisses always help. Even if you can't help him out, talking can help as you may have suggestions/ideas to help, and sometimes just having a rant makes you feel better, and can help you see the woods through the trees.

mylittlestar · 10/04/2007 11:44

Agree that it sounds like he's just taken too much on and is probably exhausted and overwhelmed.

Some tlc and some reassurance from you could help? And make sure he knows you are there for him to talk and share the burden in whatever ways you can....

I think you could probably both do with some time together to relax and enjoy each other's company. Any way you can organise a babysitter and have some time out together?

DrunkenSailor · 10/04/2007 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Monkeybar · 10/04/2007 14:08

Thanks for all your replies. I admit that I'm not very good at telling him he's doing a great job (of anything, really) and it's made me realise that I'm actually a bit of a cow to him a lot of the time
In fact, it struck me today (while I was shampooing the carpet!) that I never praise him for a job well done, but if I've tidied or cleaned or anything, he'll always tell me I've 'done an excellent job', whether I have or not. I'm really feeling terrible now, as he did the carpets in 2 rooms yesterday, and although I said they were much better, I didn't comment on how hard he'd worked to get them like that.
I will make a real effort to give him some TLC and try and get him to talk, but it's always been a bit of a struggle to get him to open up, to be honest, so I don't rate my chances

OP posts:
warthog · 10/04/2007 18:29

monkeybar, it's really, really important to praise and thank for work done. even if it's not perfect. i know it's hard when you work hard too, but it'll make all the difference.

good luck, i hope things go well tonight.

IamBlossom · 10/04/2007 20:56

Good luck Monkey. Agree with others that he was probably just a bit overloaded at that particular moment, and your comment of "Don't bother" although meant in jest (?) was probably the last straw. Maybe he was just feeling a bit sensitive about the world at that particular moment...Men can have emotions brimming on the surface too can't they? Good for you acknowledging you don't praise him enough, I am guilty of the same thing with my DH and am RUBBISH at admitting when I am wrong, causes huge rows in the Blossom household........

prufrock · 10/04/2007 21:05

MOnkeybar, I think it's also telling that he always praises you - we tend to tret others in the way we would like to be treated ourselves, so even though you do value him, if you are not as voluble as him in making him know that he probably thinks y9u don't

Gee72 · 10/04/2007 23:35

Hi Monkeybar. Can agree with all the other advice. As a Dad and husband it sounds familiar - you race around trying to spend as much time at home as possible while keeping work ticking over, praising and complimenting your knackered DW and most of the time it's fine. But if you're feeling a bit sensitive you just think 'when do I get something back'. It sounds like he's stressed and things have been piling up, and he's snapped momentarily. Not all men match the stoic, unemotional stereotype.

The good news is we're simple creatures really - tell him you love him and appreciate him (and maybe even admit you could say it more often) and I'd bet he'll perk up.

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