No way of leaving

[Roundobjects]

Back story - and name changed. Married for 15 years. Mortgaged house, little equity, and various small debts in addition. Relationship is failing. I can't talk to him. he gets very angry and verbally aggressive when I try, very calmly and reasonably to talk about issues - and has done for some time, he scares me when he's in full flight. I don't love him and I've known this for some time. I have absolutely no financial independence. No family that can help. Used to be quite successful in my career but can't return to that (left after first child). I just don't know what to do or where to start. I've always stayed because it's a good life most of the time. Apologies for short sharp information, really struggling to write this. Has anyone any advice please?
(Edited by MNHQ)

So sorry to hear this. Is there no way you can go back to your first career?

No, sadly. Shifts would make it impossible to find childcare and no family to help. I could get a job in another field, but likely it would be low paid and I'd struggle. I guess that's probably what I'll have to do in the medium term, and just sit it out until I'm more secure. It's come to a crisis point today though and just want to move on. Thanks for the response.

Could you afford a live-in au pair to help with childcare if you went back to shift work?

Have you had relationship counselling. Would he go?

I hadn't considered au pair. Just assumed it would be huge money. Will look into it. And I'm not sure to counselling. I've broached it before to feel the water but not seriously. Thanks for the responses, really appreciated.

so what would you need to leave and rent somewhere?

Joint counselling is a non starter here because of the abuse that is meted out by him towards the OP. It is also never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Also round, he does have a problem with anger but perhaps not in the ways you are thinking. He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you understandably call him out on his abuse.

Have you as yet sought legal advice (the Rights of Women organisation is very good) and or contacted Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247?. Both could help you no end here and now.

Counselling for your own self Round would be helpful if only to clarify things further in your own mind. You need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment. Do not sit it out until you are more secure; that may take years if that ever happens and the emotional harm to you, let alone your children, from seeing all this will be well entrenched by then.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what do you think they are learning here?. Do not further play your part going forward to show your children that yes, this is how people behave in relationships. Do not show them that a loveless marriage is their "norm" too. This is absolutely not the relationship model you want to be showing them and they will also not say thanks mum to you for staying.

You can separate, you can ask him to leave. He has a legal obligation to keep a roof over your children's head.
Look for a job , if you're a nurse there is non shift work out there. Or get a lower paid job to get some income in the mean time.
Go to women's aid. They can advice.
Don't stay. Think what affect his behaviour is having on your children. They will think your life is the norm.
Start making a plan on how you are going to do this. You can do this.

I've to sit it out until things are more financially secure as well. It's tough going 😓 I think the au pair suggestion is a brilliant one and definitely something you should consider.

Thanks for all the information. Really helpful, and ways to move forward. Everything always looks so bleak in the small hours.