My husband and I have been together for 5 years but married for one year. Two years ago we started trying for a baby and fell pregnant, however I miscarried at 12 weeks. It was devastating and I was very naive and had not prepared for a miscarriage. The shock was unbelievable. My husband however, although he said he was upset he never truly showed emotion and even got angry with me after a couple of weeks when I was still emotional.
We tried again a few months later and were very fortunate to have fallen pregnant and had our daughter. We got married and decided to move house. Since we put our house up for sale a year ago, we were broken into, we moved back in with my dad for 6 months as he had to have a triple heart bypass, our cat was run over and killed and three of our grandparents have passed away. Every month there has been something awful to deal with.
Despite the stress of this all, we decided to try again for another baby and fell pregnant before Christmas. We were obviously very wary and tried not to think too much about the baby but you just can't help yourself. At 12 weeks we again found out we had had a missed miscarriage. It was extremely physically and emotionally painful but I at least knew what to expect so it wasn't as daunting waiting to niscarry. But never the less, the pain was immense and I bled heavily, a lot compared to the first time. We had a lot going on at the time so we were distracted.
We fell pregnant again 3 months later and this time I had severe morning sickness, I put on over a stone, my boobs doubled in size and we had an early scan at 6 weeks which showed the baby was all fine. But at 11 weeks I started getting pains and light spotting. I went for a scan the next day and found out that the baby's heart had stopped, likely a week before. I went home and the shock took over. My husband went to work next day and I started to miscarry. The pain started so fast and was so intense that I called my husband back from work. I couldn't even stand and was stuck to the sofa. I went to hospital and was kept in for 3 days and kept on oral morphine. After a week of being at home, the egg sac came out whilst I was on the toilet. In a moment of panic I flushed the toilet and then immediately regretted it. The guilt of flushing my own baby down the toilet killed me. I took two weeks off of work and then life carried on as normal. But I wasn't well, mentally I really struggled and could feel myself slipping into a depression. I said to my husband several times that I couldn't cope and I felt like I was separate from everyone. I felt like everyone was a stranger and it felt like I didn't know how to be in the same reality as everyone. Like I was floating or out of the bubble. I went to my doctor and was put onto anti-depressants and put on a waiting line for counselling. But I was in a pit and felt like I couldn't escape.
My husband has never been able to talk about things. He has had a troubled childhood but has never told me any details nor asked about my life. We are like friends but not best friends who know everything about our past and our inner most thoughts. It's just not like that, which has been extremely difficult when we've had to go through all we have in the past year. I have felt entirely alone.
We went to a wedding a month ago and there was an old friend of mine from years before. My husband got drunk and passed out but I stayed up. I got chatting to this guy and we talked about everything, our whole lives, our childhoods, our deep secrets. His girlfriend had aborted two of their babies and so we had this common understanding of the pain felt when you lose a pregnancy. We didn't kiss or anything else, we just kept in touch and had been messaging secretly since.
Last weekend we arranged to meet in a city nearby. We stayed in a hotel together and slept together. My husband found out immediately and has since left me and although I've been trying to apologise and feel truly awful for what I've done, I know he will never get over this. He will shut off again and will hate me forever. It's understandable though. But I don't know if I even want to make this work. I love him, but we've never had that close connection. Is this normal? Am I expecting too much of him? A lot of men struggle to show their thoughts and emotions, so should I just expect this with every relationship? I wish I could turn back time and not betray him the way I did, I was selfish, I just enjoyed that someone could be there for me and I could be there for them and that they cared enough to ask about my problems.