anyone else feel like piggy in the middle between dp and parents?

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I am so fed up with the tension between my parents and my dp. He is the sort of person who wants space and to spend time with me and dd whereas they want to be the doting grandparents and spend as much time as possible with dd and with us. They have always been warm and friendly towards dp and he does not dislike them but is becoming increasingly resentful of their demands on our time. I feel like I am constantly trying not to offend my parents when they suggest we get together and yet having to come up with good reasons why not.

Writing this down it really doesn't seem very bad and yet it is causing most of the arguments that dp and I have and it is affecting my relationship with my parents as I get tense every time they say they are coming round and feel I have to put them off. I think I have completely lost tract of what I want as I am trying to please everyone else.

I just wish that both sides would relax and let things happen naturally - getting together for events etc - as I think the harder each side fights for what they want the harder the other is resisting.

Any thoughts?

I can't offer you any advice but I feel like this too sometimes and when there is a family event (e.g. easter BBQ) the atmosphere is horrible sometimes and I resent it as I feel that I don't get to enjoy things as I am constantly appeasing both sides.

No advice just I feel your pain!

I imagine that a lot of men feel like you do, judging by the number of "I hate my MIL" threads on this forum. I do think it's a shame when whichever partner can't make the effort to get on with their partner's parents, to the extent that it makes other people feel tense and unhappy.

How often, in reality, do your parents want to come and visit? How often do you find yourself making excuses for why they can't come? If it's every weekend, I can understand why your partner might be feeling a bit put out, especially if he sees weekends as his quality time with you and the kids. In that case, I think the best thing is to be honest with your parents - rather than making excuses about why they can't come - and explain that you and your partner have been feeling that you don't see very much of each other and that perhaps a visit every other weekend (or whatever) would be better for all of you.

On the other hand, if they already only suggest visits once every couple of weeks, then obviously your partner needs to think about whether he's being reasonable.

oh god yes, my dh is horrible around my parents and seems to get stressed and tense at every opportunity because things aren't done his way (to add to the problem, my parents live in Germany so some things just are different anyway - dh went into a sulk lasting for several hours because we ate the decorated eggs instead of doing egg rolling (which nobody in Germany has ever heard of) ) - anyway, that's how much of an utter tosspott he is around them. It grim and really difficult because I get on well with my parents, they're very nice to us and they really don't deserve dh being such a shit to them. We've just come back from staying with them for a long weekend and I feel like filing for divorce.
Sorry, I have no ideas how to resolve this. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

I think it's also the fact that women are generally closer to their parents than men. If I didn't push my DH, he'd call his Mum about once every 5 years! I get rolled eyes from DH whenever I suggest spending time with my parents, but it's generally just the thought that annoys him - when we're actually out with them he admits he always has a good time. I also think that a lot of the time men like to be in control, i,e, head of household - I've seen this with siblings and their partners, and friends also. My DH knows he comes first with me, but also has to recognise that I love my parents, enjoy spending time with them, and now they are getting older, they need help with things like mowing lawns etc. I try to see them one day a week on my own, and we generally have dinner with them once a week too. There will be a time when my M&D aren't here any more, and I don't want to feel that I didn't spend enough time with them because DH didn't want me to.

I have no advice I'm afraid but a lot of sympathy. I dread my parents inviting us anywhere because I know I will have to tackle DP about it and will also get the rolled-eyes and grumpy demeanour. Sad isn't it! We had a huge row about it this weekend and I ended up seeing them by myself yesterday while he grumped at home. They do such a lot for me and my DS and it really makes my blood boil. Shame as he's perfect in every other way. Like your dp Space, he also treasures the weekends and wants it to be just me and him, he sees time spent with my family as 'lost' time that we could have had together. I don't know what the answer it is, it's the one thing we argue about - always.

My personal thoughts from personal experience is your DP is in a relationship with you, not you and your parents. Can you try and tell them politely to ease off abit and let you, your DP and DC spend quality time together as a family unit of your own. I am sure they would understand.

Thank you everyone for your messages, good to hear I am not alone. I don't really think either of them are being unreasonable, they are just different in what they want and can't understand the others point of view. I had problems with my MIL until I backed off and stopped trying to get closer and now we get on much better.

I think you are right thought that I should be more honest with my parents rather than skirting the issue. I am just not sure how to put it so that they won't interpret it as dp doesn't like you. There are not here every weekend - although it was the last two which is why this is such an issue at the moment - but dp and I are busy people ( working funny hours) with not much time for each other as it is and we want to see his parents and our friends too so even once every 3 weeks is a bit often in terms of the proportion of our free weekends together

Perhaps the best way to approach it with them would be to reassure them that you really enjoy their visits but also explain that you both feel very stretched at the moment, with lots of conflicting demands on your time, which means you don't get to spend as much time together as you'd like. I'd avoid identifying your partner as the source of this - I think you're right that they're bound to interpret that as "he doesn't like us", no matter how you word it.

Maybe discuss with your partner a day that would be good for them to come and visit or for you to visit them - and then suggest it to them in the same conversation that you're explaining the above, so you're not just asking them to back off, you're actively suggesting times that would suit.

space - you are not alone. My parents don't live far away so visits are only for a few hours usually. We used to row about it - DH used to get really irritated by having to see them but then he can't be bothered to see his own mother too often so it's not surprising really. Now I tend to arrange to see my parents when he's at work or in the evenings when he's out. He only spends time with them perhaps once a month - we see them more often. It's me and the kids they want to see TBH. Now he never makes a fuss when we go there as he knows it's not often and he also knows that my parents contribute a lot to the childrens' lives.