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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you expect your partner to stay at home tonight

28 replies

hemakesmesad · 07/10/2017 17:15

So around 2 weeks ago we all developed a chest infection... me my husband and kids. So my kids and husband have recovered but I then developed two sinus infections.. one on my right side and now I can feel one on my left and I have a temp and face pain.. headache and feel really unwell. My husband was due to go to a house party tonight and I've asked him to stay at home but he's refused saying I'm being awkward. My ears are red raw all around so proof I'm not making it up. He was on a night shift last. So o had to muddle through with the kids being ill but tonight I was tot rest in bed not having to worry about the kids and a baby but he refuses to stay home and help. To make it worse he's taking his cousin because he 'feels sorry for him' because he's just come to this country ( from an EU country) to work and start a new life and his cousin feels 'lonely' but her he's not concerned enough for me. I want him home because I'm scared of any complications of my illness coz I've been ill so much in a short space of time and so I don't want to be left alone with the kids. Am I being unreasonable? It seems like I alway come last and I'm constantly told I have to stay home look after the kids when he does his things.
And I never even leave the house alone without the kids!

OP posts:
4yoniD · 07/10/2017 17:22

Personally I would ALWAYS expect my husband to prioritize me over a night out - baring in mind I only ask very rarely, so if I ask he knows it's important/ dire circumstances.

Re: only going out with kids, time to start disappearing on his day off, just go out to a cafe shouting "your in charge of the kids" on the way. If he kicks up a fuss, time to reconsider your relationship.

RoryItsSnowing · 07/10/2017 17:25

I would expect him to stay home, and not even to ask but to tell me he was staying home to help out!

Although I don't think he'd be going to a house party ever as he's over 21 Hmm

Changerofname987654321 · 07/10/2017 17:27

Yanbu. Being a parent and supporting your partner comes first.

Orangeseed · 07/10/2017 17:29

How old are your children? Does the baby sleep? Maybe he could get them settled in bed, then go out? You can then get dosed up on medicine, have a nice bath, watch a movie, read a book in peace?

Finola1step · 07/10/2017 17:33

I get it. Yes, he could get the kids settled and then go out but you would like him to stay and take the load off your shoulders. So that you can go to bed, sleep and know that you are off duty.

What woukd happen if you just went to bed and left him to it?

Original poster
hemakesmesad · 07/10/2017 17:41

The baby doesn't sleep all night he gets up at 2am and then at 6am. I just wanted him home tonight didn't want to be alone with the kids when I feel so ill but he won't back down and if i went to bed and left him with the kids he would just walk out. I'm questioning my marriage to him now..

OP posts:
Sweetbell · 07/10/2017 17:42

Say it to him straight ' when I'm sick I need you to take over with the kids....I'm sick so I'm off to bed' no argument just a statement and take yourself to bed.
Stop being the default parent if he's there he needs to be parenting equally and if you are unwell he needs to step in and take over.
And do start leaving the house without kids!

gamerchick · 07/10/2017 17:44

I think I’d be telling him not to come back tbh and going off you’re posts I would hazard a guess that he would say ‘fine’ and then come back later tomorrow as if nothings happened.

TwatteryFlowers · 07/10/2017 17:48

I'm questioning my marriage to him now..

Keep on questioning it because he obviously doesn't care that much about you.

In the meantime, if he's so intent on going out, could you get someone else to look after your dc such as family or friends?

Hope you're feeling better soon Flowers

Goldmandra · 07/10/2017 17:51

The children are as much his responsibility as they are yours. You are unable to look after them tonight so he needs to either look after them himself or arrange for someone else to do it. If the party is so important to him, could he take the children with him?

Why do you feel the need for him to see proof that you are unwell? Why would he not just believe you?

Orangeseed · 07/10/2017 17:58

If baby doesn't sleep, then no I don't think he should be going while you are ill, he should have let you have a day in bed to rest, then maybe you would be up to him going out for a couple of hours and coming home before baby wakes again (sober enough to cope as well).

StrawberryFizBomb · 07/10/2017 18:02

Of course your husband should prioritise you over going to a party, he should be parenting his children so you can rest.

Sweetbell · 07/10/2017 18:36

Agree with all pp of course your husband should forego his social life to stay home to care for his kids while you are ill.
It's only a house party not best man at a wedding and even at that he should be arranging extra help or drop kids to gps for an hour to shows his face if he really feels he cant miss a flipping house party with his cousin and then collect his kids after.

If house party is more important than his ill partner then you know exactly what type of person he really is!

WhoWants2Know · 07/10/2017 18:44

OP, even beyond what a douchebag your husband is, have you seen a doctor?

I can see why you would question your marriage. If you split, presumably you'd get a break every other weekend.

Original poster
hemakesmesad · 07/10/2017 19:09

He's refused to stay at home. He says just because I can't go out doesn't mean he shouldn't. He said I should drug myself up and real with it and the kids will be in bed soon so I have no excuse to make him stay at home... I guess a house party is more important. Who wants to be alone at home when they are not well? I was home alone last night with the kids coz he had to work by tonight why should I over a poxy house party. He doesn't love me at all... how can you love someone and then leave them when they need you the most

OP posts:
Original poster
hemakesmesad · 07/10/2017 19:12

I've not seen a doctor not had Chance to go and usually they just send you away because they don't like giving antibiotics, I understand their reasoning tho of course but I just feel so crap!

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/10/2017 19:26

I’m home and alone and unwell; but DP is at a stag do and I think he’d have stayed if I’d asked. I did the opposite and told him I didn’t want him to stay! It’s a once in a lifetime thing (I hope; I like the couple).

He’s also left me with plenty of meds’ and food, and no children.

In your shoes I’d be thinking that he’s just revealed how much you and your children mean to him - which is not much at all. At least, much less than a repeatable night out.

Is he always an utter twat? Do you generally feel supported?

HappyFeetAgain · 07/10/2017 19:58

Yanbu i wouldnt even have to think of asking as my dh wouldnt even think of going anywhere. My husband has cancelled on events for far less than what you are ill with op. Myself and dc come first. Hes so selfish when you are.clearly unwell. Does he not even care about the kids if you are feeling so sick to see to them.

peanut2017 · 07/10/2017 20:05

What a selfish dick! Seriously what is with these people who don't take responsibility for anything especially their own family for the sake of a house party???

He will no doubt be hungover tomorrow so you won't get much help then either

Shitty behaviour

Shayelle · 07/10/2017 20:08

Poor you, you must feel rotten. I hope you get well soon FlowersCakeBrew

Original poster
hemakesmesad · 07/10/2017 20:47

@AnchorDownDeepBreath aww sorry to hear your unwell too! Hope you feel better soon. Your DH sounds like a good man who would have stayed for you if you needed him and the fact he had left you with all those things to make you feel better is lovely. My husband just thinks I'm just trying to stop him going out. He's going now so I think I'll just have a bath and relax for a while and just try to make the best of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
hemakesmesad · 07/10/2017 20:48

Thanks everyone for your responses. Sometimes it helps to ask other people's opinions so I know it's not me just being unreasonable

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/10/2017 22:23

I wouldn't have to ask.

If he really really wanted to go then he would do the full bed time for the children, make me a pint of lemsip or whatever, tuck me into bed and only leave the house when everyone is asleep, late to the party is fine. Actually I think that did happen once when DC were small.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/10/2017 00:15

Thank you; and I really hope you’re feeling alright too Flowers

Shoxfordian · 08/10/2017 08:05

Hope you're feeling better today OP

I think your husband was selfish to go and not supportive of you

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