Am so confused - sorry, v longwinded!

[ariesbirthday]

Hi have name changed for this but am not trip trapping. Basically, my head is v confused, probably not helped by my birthday yesterday which I think can make you feel a bit emotional if things are not 100% great. DH left me and 4 DCs Jan 06 v unexpectedly for much older work colleague, I genuinely didn't see it coming, neither did anyone else. Has caused major fallout as his family have been v supportive to me and won't accept his new woman, as a result he has v little contact with them. Still see ex due to DCs, we have our ups and downs but compared to alot of the stories on here is relatively amicable and he does provide financially.
I have emerged a much stronger person and 99% of the time am fine but do wobble every now and again. The last time was back in the summer when the vibes came back he was having second thoughts (having broken down on phone to his mother he later denied it and said he'd just been caught at a bad time). I think I do still have feelings for him but I keep them v buried as he hurt me so badly when he left I can't risk it happening again. I recently started seeing someone on a purely platonic basis, when ex found it he totally overreacted, thought I was about to move in with this male friend, refused to believe it was just a friendship and sulked for a fortnight (although seems OK now).
The last week a couple of things have happened which have unsettled me a bit. Firstly I've been redeployed at work (was working on a different site) and now work in v close proximity to ex and his other half, did actually see her for the first time the other day, ex has warned me he walks past my window about 5 times a day and still not sure how I feel about seeing them all the time. (I know one solution would be to get another job but trust me, a school hours term time only contract is not worth giving up easily!). Secondly went out with friend again at weekend, and he did keep on asking all about ex (I didn't bring it up until he did as I thought tbh was v off putting to keep talking about ex!). Anyway, when I mentioned ex's big sulk quite lightheartedly friend's take on it was that ex didn't like thought of me not being available should his current relationship fail and he wanted to give his marriage another go. (Also seemed to have effect of putting friend off totally as he's not been in contact since...). To cap it all, kids came back from week at ex's with not only v wordy Easter card and expensive Easter egg organised by him, they also provided birthday present and card he'd sorted out too (last year I didn't get anything) together with tales (to my Mum admittedly, not me) of his other half getting on at him.
Really do not know what to think. Wonder if I am imagining things that are not there and whether he does still feel anything for me (we were together for 19 years from when I was 17) or am I being totally stupid? Thank you to anyone who's managed to read this far and any thoughts would be much appreciated

OK, I am a bit pissed, but as far as I can tell you are thinking of getting back with him? After going through the whole thing of losing him, am I correct?

Hi Jules/UCM

Thanks for replying. Deep down I do still love him but have no idea if he feels the same and how I'd feel on the trust aspect if it came to it. DCs seem quite well adjusted but I'm sure they'd prefer to have him back all the time. Had been warned by MIL of fairly common male reaction - they don't want you, but don't like the idea of anyone else wanting you, so in all fairness wasn't that surprised.

Just thought that I'd managed to get rid of feelings I had for him (and he really was a total b when he left with what he came out with - eg "I've met someone I care for more than I've ever cared for you", "not once was sex with you anything special..but I'm a man and men are grateful for anything" etc, which was v out of character in what I thought had been a happy marriage!) but wonder now if they've just been v deeply buried away all along and are now resurfacing again.

Hi Kerry

No, you don't sound harsh! At times I would read posts like mine and advise the same as you, it's just sometimes, like recently, things happen which throw a spanner in the works and end up leaving me confused.

I'm shocked at the things he said when he left you tbh.
Could you ever quite forget what he said to you??? I personally owuld always be waitig for him to leave again even if he returned, looks like he wants to hedge his bets just incase the grass isn't greener (which from your kids account sounds like it most certainly isn't).....

I am actually somewhat ashamed to admit (given I am supposedly much stronger) that I would be tempted to have him back. Am conscious at the moment that am guilty of looking at the past through rose tinted spectacles, remembering the good times, birth of children etc, and am forgetting what he put me through last year. My head does agree exactly with what you are saying Kerry, it's just the heart isn't quite so willing to accept it at the moment , although best friend is back from hols tomorrow and know she will def give me a shake if she gets wind of this thread.

Tbh, fuzzy, couldn't forget what he said and yes, wonder if he is hedging his bets...

I'm going to bed aries, but seriously if you do take him back, make him beg on his knees, and then go to therapy or something, you don't deserve to be treated the way this man has treated you...But I am very unforiginvg, and I would always remember those words if my dh had said them to me......

looks to me like he thunk the grass was greener - i would let him have his new fond sex toy ...diddums - theres not all roses in that there garden?

he fucked you over big time lADY

he broke your childrens hearts

THEIR HEARTS.

he killed a little piece of them becuase he wanted a shag fest

becuase he couldnt keep his cock away.

i would tell your mum " mum dont tell me the tales i dont want to know"

i would accept the gift from my children but organised from him graciously. and think to myself - that he DOESNT DESERVE A standing ovation

its what a decent person would have done anyway what does he want a gold medal?

lady if you take him back more fool you

that he breaks your heart is one thing

that your children see you broken hearted, crushed and dejected, with unbrushed hair and red eyes through crying, that they heard your arguing ( becuase tey do)

and then they wake up one morning and their life has been simply blown ...away..

daddy left to screw some bird from work.

and now the mundanity of life kicks in

bills
mowin the lawn
re-grouting the bathroom

washing the dishes
picking your skiddy undies off the floor

suddenly the sex passion of fucking on the office desk when your wife is at home cooking, cleaning and looking after your children dies down.

she doesnt wanst sex so often now

he realises she wears off white knickers and her shit stinks like everyone elses. she won't give him a blow job willingly anymore ( not without promises of cunny - and it was never like that)

get your shit together and find someone who actually gives a shit.

about you and your children

becuase no matter what way you cut it - how he hurt you - how can you forgive him what he has done to your children?

What that Custy bird said

am with custy here - think he is hedging his bets and what he thought would be fabulous isn't so fabulous anymore.

So when he was with you - could not orgnaise a birthday present or easter present BUT now he is with another woman he can - sorry but rather pathetic.

As to what he said when he left - what a tosser. No doubt said to make him feel better and 'rationalise' why he behaved so selfishly and so terribly.

I'd say that a good easter egg is the least he can do for you after all that. You really do sound nice you know...much too nice for your ex. I don't know that I'd believe what he said when he left you - all that time together and four kids later - I think he was trying to make his mean little decision seem ok to himself. I think you can do way better than the kind of man your ex turned into.

he's definitely hedging his bets here. he wants you to be there as and when this relationship dies so he can come back and all will be forgiven!

he had his chance to put you first and he's blown it.

agree that the least he can do is a nice easter egg and birthday present.

you sound like you deserve so much better.

he's made his choice. and after the things he said to you I'm afraid I would never forget them. he could have said how sorry he was, how he'd fallen for someone else, blah blah... instead he not only leaves you with 4 children, but undermines your whole 19 years together by slagging you off and suggesting that he somehow settled for second best in you

hopefully now you will find the wonderful man you deserve and never look back xx

Aries - what the others said. I do know there will be times when it's still hard, but you will reach a point when you can hear about what's going on in his life and not think it should in any way affect yours. And until that's automatic, positively decide it doesn't affect what you do, then you can move on without worrying about him (easier said than done :-)

Hi everyone

Many thanks for all your messages. Must admit think I was feeling a bit down as it had been my birthday (all that another year older and nothing's changed stuff). Do feel alot more positive after reading what you all had to say, and am coming round to the way of thinking that given the circumstances should not give him another chance (assuming he ever wants one!) x

custy smacks of the truth. you deserve better than this man.