This throwaway conversation defines my relationship

[fannyanddick]

Just had a conversation with dh. That went 'I've been reading a book about banishing clutter. The toys are getting crazy I think we both need to get a bit more ruthless. We need to start getting rid of things even if it is possible that at some point they could be used again.' His response was 'you need to stop buying soft toys and you will never through any out and they pile up'.

It seems such a benign conversation. It is a very lighthearted and short lived example. He is probably making a fairly valid point. Though I did start the conversation by saying I want to get more ruthless and I will and have got rid of soft toys before. (Just not some).

But it just feels constant criticism. Taking comments I make as an attack on him and going on the offensive. What could have been a productive conversation just ends up as a blame game.

Am I being sensitive. Is this what everyone would have said.

i have a particular hatred of bookshelves
Completely irrational intense hatred , like, if I walk into a house and see these ceiling to floor whole walls covered in books I want to smash to pieces and scream
Ok sensible suggestions:
Package all excess stuff and put it in storage ( v cheep for first 6 months, then gets more expensive) so forces action
Donate to library so you can go borrow them if you need to
Book some relate counselling ? He doesn't sound like a monster but your not getting on
Can't bear soft toys

It's hard to interpret the balance of your relationship from such a small snippet of conversation but I'd say you were being a bit sensitive.

Perhaps he has hit a nerve and it's making you defensive? Do you often complain about the clutter of too many toys and not follow through your plans to clear them?

The best way to handle it is to tell him you don't want to start blaming each other and arguing, you want to be constructive and work out how best to tackle it.

In my experience you have to be a bit ruthless clearing out toys. Bag up the ones that aren't favourites without consulting the dc (who won't want to part with anything!). Put the bags away in the loft or garage and if they aren't missed, give to charity.

Popchyk has it. The rights and wrongs of toy buying are irrelevant.

He turned we into you (op).

I get it, I've experienced it and I don't know what the answer is.

I start conversations with 'this isn't a criticism ...' but I resent having to pander.

I get the fact that he is making it out to be your fault in some way - which is unfair, because one person buying soft toys doesn't fill a house with clutter.

But to move forward and to deal witht he clutter problem, I would ignore atm (not if it becomes a regular blame game) and say 'yes we defintiley need to declutter, lets start on X/Y room/cupboard, and put everything we don;t need out for charity.

You can do as someone suggested - some stuff can go now, some stuff can be packed away for a few months nd if it isn;t missed, get rid.

I woud personally try to curtail the soft toys - if mine were young all over again, I definitley wouldn;t buy so many because they hang on to them and won't get rid even when they were older (as my grown up DD says 'you can't throw away something with a face '
So best plan is not to get them in the first place, otheriwse they will be in your house until the kids grow up and you can put them all in ascak and dump them in their houses

Ditto books - they can also gradually accumulate and people don;t like getting rid. I have culled mine enormously - I never buy new books now (have a Kindle and use the library, buy the odd charity shop one and return it as soon as it's read) anything that will never be read again (anything with a twist in the plot, a crime to be solved, a mystery to unravel) goes straight away once read.

But others are right - make it clear to him this is a joint problem created jointly and to be solved jointly.

I know what you mean. I will say "We need to ....." whatever in the house and he will immediately say "Well we wouldnt need to if YOU ....." its like he cant accept any blame for any problems.

Our house is clutter central, but of course that is down to the kids toys and nothing to do with the huge amount of clothes he doesnt wear, several thousand DVDs (not exaggerating) and piles of comic book crap, which means there is no room for anyone elses stuff.

Same with relationship stuff. I say that we need to learn to communicate better and he will immediately get on the defensive with "Well YOU......" blah blah.

When you said 'we need to sort out ...', he heard 'you are a hoarder, sort it out'.

Oh, another thing that may be of note. I say 'you' instead of using 'one', as in 'you need' instead of 'one needs', which does sound more impersonal but too much like the queen IMO. I just don't say 'we need to' that much. It is a colloquialism more than anything. And my DH has taken things I have said the wrong way for this reason too. I even say 'you' when referring to things I've got to do sometimes, as in 'Well you've just got to grin and bear it, haven't you?', after regaling an event from my own life, for example.

So many useful comments thank you. Regarding how to deal with both clutter and dh.

Pyongyang I think we have the same husband. Lucky us!

I'm busy with the kids now but going Togo through all the advise and respond more later.

Op that conversation would have defined some of my relationships too. It translates at this

You: let's do x productive task for x benefit.
Them: well yes because you exclusively caused the problem/all the problems

In a healthy relationship it would go like this

You: let's do x productive task for x benefit
Them: ok then/do you want help/etc

Exactly queen. What did you do, leave? I'm married to him! Does the alternative relationship exist?

My XH used to do this. I'd say 'we need (to do something that involves BOTH of us making an effort,') he would reply 'yes YOU need to clean/clear/declutter/sort stuff out'. In other words, any tidying up was my job, the responsbility to do anything was all mine. Then he could berate me for any lack of action without having to lift a finger himself. When it was all done he could sit back with a satisfied smile and say 'there, doesn't it look better?' despite the fact he'd done nothing to contribute.

Is your husband just trying to get out of having to do anything, OP? Is his blaming you for the mess just a way of saying he doesn't want to have to be involved in clearing up?