Partner/colleague, porn/photos

[Arthurweasley]

Long time lurker.... never had a reason to post (until now!) I think I just want someone to tell me I have a good reason to be angry, which is probably an awful reason to be posting but there we go.

Anyway- to cut a long story short, I found out this morning that my partner fancies/ has a 'thing' for a new colleague. And whilst viewing porn, he has intentionally looked for videos that look like this girl. And watched said porn in conjunction with looking at her Facebook gym/ holiday photos.

He says it absolutely 'doesn't mean anything'; he 'just got carried away'... I think this is a shit excuse tbh and it's horribly disrespectful. I'm really, really cross/hurt about it. Basically, I want an outside opinion- is this something that you would stand for/ kick off about? Am I justified in being so angry about it? It's absolutely not the porn itself btw- just the fact he has been getting his rocks off whilst imagining this girl at work. Just need some perspective!! Thanks in advance!

Tell him to leave. Then change the locks!

Porn is unacceptable and is a LTB situation immediately. A crush on a colleague is fine as long as he's not approached her which it sounds like he hasn't.

I agree with Winosaurus. I'm not a huge fan of porn myself but I get that it isn't reality. It's a fantasy and more getting off on what's happening rather than who's doing it. I'd have a HUGE problem with DP getting off over someone he knows personally. I'd be extremely uncomfortable with the fact that he then has to work with her and have any form of contact with her knowing how he feels. Id also always be wondering if he was ever planning on acting on any of these feelings.

I know I couldnt deal with something like that but I won't tell you whether you should leave or not as that's 100% down to if you feel like you can get past it or not

I don’t understand how you can move past this he has to see the girl every day at work and he clearly fancies her, enough to wank over pictures of her too. Very creepy.

That's really awful. I'd be devastated. I don't care about porn at all, but if my partner was seeking out specific porn (and her photos?!) to act on/engage in fantasies he was having about a colleague I'd be extremely upset and feel humiliated tbh. Your mind wandering when you have a harmless crush is one thing, but this is so far beyond that.

I wouldn't be comfortable with him working with that specific person, tbh. I wouldn't just be brushing it off and moving on in a hurry.

Yep my ex did this with our mutual girl FRIENDS. He would look at their fb pics and then go and get his rocks off to porn at the same time. Totally gross and the weird thing was he would have known these girls since school so it wasn't like they were new people in his life he was having a fantasy about. Stupidly I stayed with him.

But if he's gone as far as to look at her photos and search porn related to her, then clearly in his head he is wishing he could be doing this in reality.
I guess you need to question if this girl was into him, do you trust that your partner wouldn't ever go there? Also, how do you feel about being with someone that is doing that? We all have people outside a relationship we fancy, but this is taking it to the next level.

Sometimes it's not as simple as just leaving and starting afresh. You would have invested time, love and lots of emotion in this partner. I think you need to sit and talk about it more. Perhaps book an appointment at Relate too. There must be a reason for his behaviour. I don't think porn use I bad (as long as it is legal). But the work thing is making it personal. He clearly has sexual desires that he does not feel can be fulfilled entirely by you (how is your sex life)? Both of you need help and advice from an expert, good luck.It will be ok x

This is not uncommon unfortunately.

If you're not going to ltb then your only option is to put up with it and or teach him to use private browsing mode and delete fb search history.

Yuck. Its the kind of thing you just don't want to know about. But I have fantasised about real men I know before, when masturbating, I just didn't use the internet to help me, so no searching history. Some things are personal and noone elses business. Would it help to try to separate out the different parts of what he did to see where your anger is? Not the porn. The cam girls? Using photos of rl colleagues? Just thinking about rl colleagues?

The porn wouldn't be an issue for me ... It's the jerking off to a colleagues pic.

Yeah it's not great that he's decided to look for specific images like this woman he fancies. Have you any reason not to trust him? Do you think he would cheat on you or is this just fantasy? I do think it's quite creepy to actually look up similar pictures of this girl.

Personally I wouldn't be able to get past the sliminess of his behaviour. Anonymous porn is one thing, but he's taken it a step further. It would feel to me like a betrayal, and a creepy intrusion towards the woman. I Would find it difficult to trust this partner. If you have a great relationship otherwise then maybe as a pp suggested some form of expert help to work through his issues would be worthwhile. Good luck op.

I couldn't ever have tolerated the use of pornography. If that were then accelerated to pornographic images that related to some unsuspecting colleague, I would be showing him the door. Hurtful behaviour towards you. Disrespectful behaviour towards his colleague (in a weird, stalker is a sort of way) and objectifying women generally.

I don't like porn and it's not part of our sex life because dw and I are actually monogamous (as opposed to serially monogamous).

But I'm liberal in my views towards other people's (legal) choices to make or enjoy porn.

This obviously crosses a line (anonymity) but a thin one from my point of view. In a basic sense it's the same as some random flicking her bean to the thought of her office crush, except of course by not using only his 'imagination' it makes it déclassé.

He would be gone. Sorry. How disrespectful.