I need help please! Another 'distancing self from awful parents' post.

[Lostlou]

Posting about this for the first time and I have just started looking at 'Stately Homes' today. I will probably post in there in future but think I need some clarity before I dive in.

I've just been reading another thread here on 'relationships' called "How can I forgive my parents (especially my mum) so I can let go and move on. Life is too short!" and a lot of the comments made really resonated with me.

My 'relationship' with my parents from childhood is giving me some major pain - so much that I can't really articulate it at the moment - it would take so long so I'll drip feed it in for now. I had a major meltdown about it a couple of weeks ago that had me in floods of tears. My partner asked why I bother with them, if they have hurt me so much. In all honestly I could only say that it's out of obligation / expectation maybe. I think I've know deep down that the way my parents treated me wasn't actually normal and used to hurt very much when I saw my friends and the other girls in school with their mums and how different, alien almost, their relationships were to me.

I'm currently trying to distance myself and start by setting boundaries. The main problem I have right now is how to do this.

I live about an hour's drive from my parents and a few weeks ago they decided they were going to come down to see me. I'd already made arrangements that day so I'd said "that doesn't really work for me". On my way back home from where I was I get a text from mum to say they were 'in the area' (bollox they were viewing a house 45 mins drive away) so they were already in the house (they have a key). Same thing again this weekend just gone. It was my birthday on Sunday and again I'd made plans. Dad rang about 9am to say they were planning to visit around 2:30 that day. Both expressed surprise and disappointment that I wasn't available to them. Then mum says "oh well, we'll turn up anyway to drop off a card" and they do exactly that!!

The immediate situation sounds so trivial I can't believe I'm posting about it, but it's part of a so much bigger issue so please bear with me. Mum sounds so breezy and chatty but still expresses extreme disapproval at my behaviour quite regularly (I'm 44). However, her behaviour now is nothing compared with how it was in my later junior school years / teenager / 20s (I'll have to post about this later I can't deal with it now).

It's a very strong word but I almost think I hate her. I can't bear it when she tries to give me a hug (my father a little less so but it's still there). I actually cringe and want to pull away.

I hate myself for the way I feel. I hate how I have this burning resentment for how they f*cked up my childhood - and seemingly now my adult life too. I'm sick of being the dutiful daughter who seemed to be a constant source of disappointment to both her parents growing up and to a lesser extent still now.

I appreciate I'm an adult now and those were things that were happening in my childhood. But I need to kick back against and sort myself out but I hardly know where to start.

Thanks!

You know you owe her nothing and don't have to be in contact with her, right? Change the barrel of the lock, it's about £8 and faster than getting a new door. When she tells you she's coming, tell her no. Try that as a first step and see what happens.

cupcakesmakeyouhappy hello! It was reading your post that gave me the guts to post one myself. Thank you for that. Do you mind if I ask please how you got 'help'. I have no idea how to start here apart from ringing a counsellor and saying 'I have issues with my parents'?! You are definitely right in saying that actually the simple act of just writing it down is help in itself. This is the very first time I've managed to articulate in any way what my problems are.

Also, I too want to be kind to that lost child. And it really is a stolen childhood isn't it??

Moveablefeast thanks for the heads up! I am merely using it as a resource to understand what narcissism (and particularly narcissistic mothers) means. I had no idea before. It has given me some shocking clarity though. But if I do seek help, which I'm pretty sure I will, it will be in the UK, in person, and properly qualified xx

Maelstrop yes, I know in my head that this is what I should do. Deep breath to carry it out... thank you x

Lostlou - you are welcome and I'm glad you have posted :) it really is a stolen childhood and I relived it so many times in my head. I have torn myself down so so much, I became a shell of a person. With no understanding of life, no goal, no path, no sense of being, I didn't know how to be happy. Everything you learn, supposed to learn when you are growing up. I had to learn it all myself as a young adult and it was so hard. I am a completely different person now but I still feel anger, frustration for my lost childhood but through the post I have learnt that, that little girl is still inside me and all these years I have completely felt I was nothing but I owe that little girl a future. I can give her what I choose not what my parents choose. That is love, choice, security and I can empower myself. I am worthy! I am important and I am loved by my dd's and capable of (hopefully) being loved by someone in the future.
We have to somehow let it go, what we have lost and give ourselves so much more going forward. I know exactly how you feel about comparing your mum to others. I did too. We can't change it! We can change how it makes us feel moving forward. I believe we can OP. You can!
I am on a waiting list to see a counsellor. I can't afford to pay for one. Not sure if that's an option for you? Might be a bit quicker.

Well ladies, slight update.

I haven't changed the locks yet but I have just dropped a counsellor an email to ask if she will be able to help. She offers a free first consultation so I will let you know how it goes

Well done OP that is a good start and the session will help you to revisit issues or bring them up for the first time. DH went for NHS sessions
and realised how dysfunctional his childhood was as counsellor was surprised at his relevations whereas DH didn't know any different. Even I thought his childhood was dysfunctional and I didn't have a normal upbringing.

DH felt validated and has his been n/c for a year. In all time his parents have not approached him and instead obey social convention and send cards/presents for DC. It's a form of control as it forces us to acknowledge them. They could really just put money into their child trust funds. It's all about them as part of the relationship dynamic was how they threw money at situation and not time when DH was a child as they were more interested in drinking.

He is grieving now for his lost childhood and also as our DC have one set of dead GP and another set which are only interested in alcohol and theirselves. They have taken no accountability for situation and instead have employed a flying monkey to try to persuade DH to see sense and guilt tripped him. However has only filtered communication he wants them to know and they have missed so much of them GC lives by nit being in touch. You reap what you sow.

I completely understand where you are from. The situation with my family has become so toxic like I'm a teenager again that I've actually moved for my own safety.

My advice is taken back the control. Change the locks. If you don't want to talk and they message are you in for a call reply with no. No is a complete sentence.

Look for ancounsellor that has experience of toxic families or fog