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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sick of my emotionally stunted family.

39 replies

JustAnotherMoaner · 09/04/2007 19:34

Having a bit of a hard time of things at the mo, both financially and emotionally. We are skint beyond belief and it is worrying me immensly, and the worry consyumes my every waking moment, despite my best efforts.

We went to stay at my mothers yesterday. We were all sat at the breakfast table this morning, and our situation cropped up in conversation. It all got a bit too much and I burst into tears and ended up pouring out months of bottled up feelings, including ones of suicidal thoughts, which are becoming more and more at the moment.

DP was brilliant, but all my Mother's DP could say was "you are upsetting your mum, stop being so selfish"

I was told by my mum and her DP to pull myself together and that people are in worse situations than me and that I sghould count my bl;essings. The outburst wasn't mentioned again for the rest of the morning.

When we left, I really wanted a hug from my mum, and all I got from her was a kiss on my cheek which I fely was begrudging.

Its not the first time it has happened. I was sexually assaulted when I was 21, and was told by my mym that it was my own fault.

My mum does sometimes offer practical help with my 2 DSs, but only occasionally, which I don;t mind. I just want her to be less dismissive of my feelings.

She ghas always been the same. I have never been able to please her, and she has never been proud of me.

Why am I so fucking desperate for her to be proud of me? For fuck's sake, her work collegues know NOTHING about me. They don;t even know she has me and they know nothing of her grandsons.

I have chanmged my name for this, although it's priobably pointless.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustAnotherMoaner · 09/04/2007 19:47

Ok then, maybe I'm a moaning bitch.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustAnotherMoaner · 09/04/2007 19:51

Oh well. Never mind

I'll just eff off then

OP posts:
DarrellRivers · 09/04/2007 19:52

It doesn't sound like your mother is really much support at all and possibly , by the sounds of it she never was and probably won't ever be.
Your DP sounds wonderful, maybe try to lower your expectations of your mother, and be pleasantly suprised if she ever comes up trumps.
It does sound like she has her own emotional attachment type problems if she can't express supportive feelings to you
You're not just a moaning bitch, but someone who expected her mother to behave like a mother to her.

CaptainCaveman · 09/04/2007 19:52

families are such a mixed bag. Mine are incredibly fab at living in denial, and literally being blind to whats in front of them.

have you ever had counselling about being sexually assualted? How can your mum say it was your fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????? Please seek counselling - it can also help you to deal with the issues it sounds like you have with your family (or your mum)?

Taylormamaloveslindtbunnies · 09/04/2007 19:53

Sorry you have had a hard time - sounds like it is all an issue with your mum. Money worries can be very wearing - have you been to get advice to see if you can get help reducing it. Ignore your Mum's DP - he doesn't sound like he is very supportive

Original poster
JustAnotherMoaner · 09/04/2007 19:57

I know I shlyuld lower my expectations, but I just get so jealous when I see my frinds and their mums and they are si firendly and supportive of one another

My mum is great when it comes to buying presents for the children, but what I need and they need is a mother/grandmother who gives a toss.

I don;t know why I care so much about it, but I do. I guess I am at a point in my life where I need my mum

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Bucketsofdynomite · 09/04/2007 19:57

Poor you.
Have you ever had counselling? I saw a psychodynamic pyschotherapist for a while who started to touch on my mother issues (I went for other reasons) but I was pg and couldn't face that particular journey at the time. I would like to go back and sort it out properly one day when I have the money.
You could have a good cry on your GP and try and get on a waiting list for counselling. (I find you need to cry in front of them to get their full attention.)

Original poster
JustAnotherMoaner · 09/04/2007 19:58

I have always come low down on the list after haer DP/her career/her dogs

I hope I never treatr my children the way she's traetyed me

OP posts:
Original poster
JustAnotherMoaner · 09/04/2007 20:02

No, I have never had counselling. After I was raped, I reported it to the police, but ended up dropping the charges because i felt sio unsupported by my fam,ily (this was before I met DP)

I honestly don;t think about it very much anymore. I don;t think it has even affected my life in a negative way. Maybe I am just very good at pushing things to the back of my mind.

However, this thing with my mum has been ongoing for years. I don;t suppose I shoul expect it to change really, but it upsets me immensley sometimes

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BecauseImWoeufIt · 09/04/2007 20:06

So sorry. Have you tried talking to your mum - when her dp isn't around - and telling her how you feel?

Original poster
JustAnotherMoaner · 09/04/2007 20:12

Yes I have, and I get the smae reaction

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JoanCrawford · 09/04/2007 20:12

It's a horrible situation JAM and I am at a loss as to what advice to give. My relationship with my parents is, thankfully, worlds apart from yours.

I feel for you and really hope someone will come along soon with some advice. I know I've read threads from other mn's who have bad relationships with their mothers, maybe one will come on soon with some wise words.

Sorry I cannot help, but had to reply and bump this thread.

October · 09/04/2007 20:16

Message withdrawn

Original poster
JustAnotherMoaner · 09/04/2007 20:22

I think you are right October

I needed to saty it out loud. I should accept that my relationship with her will probably never change. I am trtying my best to be a great mum to my boys, and they are obv my main focus. It doesn't make it any less upsetting for me though.

DP is wionderful. He had a similar relatuionship with his late mother so completely understands how I feel, whic really helps.

I really want to tell my mother all this, but I can't bear the display of crocodile tears and the woe is me type bolleaux I'll get if I do.

OP posts:
October · 09/04/2007 20:25

Message withdrawn

Bucketsofdynomite · 09/04/2007 20:29

Counselling will make you feel stronger about the whole relationship, hearing a professional agree that your feelings are totally understandable is fantastic LOL. I wouldn't attempt to talk about it with your mum without 'practising' with a counsellor, s/he can help you organise your feelings and work out the best way to express them and communicate with her. Your mum's had a long time learning how to not to deal with you iyswim, she's probably better at dismissing/avoiding/truning tables than you are at making her listen to uncomfortable truths.

Original poster
JustAnotherMoaner · 09/04/2007 20:31

Thank you all for listening to me moan. Was v cathartic.

I'm not going to dwell on it anymore toniught, because i''ll just brood and get pissed off and cry, and tbh, I dont want to waste anymore time on it

My lovely children and my DP are my focus. I won;t mention any more emotional; matters to my mum from now on because I will just get dismissed if I do, so fuck it. I've gor great frineds etc so maybe I should count my bolessings

Apologies for typing. Have rioja on boeard this eve.

It is bank hioliday after all.

OP posts:
October · 09/04/2007 20:33

Message withdrawn

Original poster
JustAnotherMoaner · 10/04/2007 07:58

Right, it;s me moaning again.....

I can't stop thinking about this. It's realy upsetting me. I just feel that my feelings aren't valid with my mother and her DP. It makes me feel even more of a waste of space than I already do. DP said this mornjing I shouldn't worry about it, but I just can't help it. He thinks maybe I have PND, but I had that after DS1 was born and I don't feel oike I did then. I jyustr think I am a bit upset about my mum and the fact that we have no money and that my life isn't going anywhere etc etc

I just wish I could have it out with my mum, but I just know she'd turn the tables on me, and make out it's her with all the problems; something she is excellent at doing

OP posts:
Original poster
JustAnotherMoaner · 10/04/2007 08:00

Her DP's words are going round and round in my head, and I can't stop thinking about the fact my mum sat back and said nothing to me about yesterday, and she hasn't asked me how I feel since. I just think they think I'm making it up and being dramatic.

If I have learnt anything over the last 24 hours, it's to keep schtum, about how I truly feel

OP posts:
toadstool · 10/04/2007 08:33

Oh poor you - . It sounds as if your mum is a dab hand at putting you in the wrong. All her DP is doing is supporting her, which I guess is his job (he chose to be with her after all, you didn't have any say in the matter). IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. You've probably been advised to read this before, but have you tried Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents"? She gives good advice. FWIW, you may never be able to confront your mum, and she may never see your point of view. You have a loving, suppprting DP and 2 boys you love, and who will grow up good people thanks to your healthy mothering of them. Keep strong.

mateychops · 10/04/2007 08:36

JAM, it's only to be expected that you will still feel angry about the reaction you got yesterday - after all, it was only yesterday. Sound's like your DP's a great support to you, though.

Don't know what to say, just wanted to let you know that what you are feeling is only to be expected, and not to beat yourself up about this.

michaelad · 10/04/2007 08:45

Jam, there isn't really much advice I can give that has not been said on here already. Only, by dwelling on your mothers reaction and actions (which are frankly atrocious) you are giving her power over you! She wields power over you as long as you hold on to that wish of a "fairy tale" loving relationship with her which will probably never happen! I have tried for decades to please my mum and nothing was ever really good enough for her. Let her go, she has made her decision to lead her life in a particular way and you do not need this kind of negativity in yours. And it sounds like you've got a lovely partner by your side to "make up for it".

Original poster
JustAnotherMoaner · 10/04/2007 08:51

I just wish I could stop tghinking about it, but I can't. Still it's only been a day.

I feel bad for my sons, as we don;t have any other family locally. My Dad is lovely, but a bit off his head. He's v eccentric and not realy in touch with the real world. We have never been particularly close, and I don;t have anty siblings.

Thuing is with my mum is that she will ring us several times a day to tell us pointless things, and makes out me and her are ever so close, when in reality, she couldn't give a toss when I am upset etc etc etc. She has always laughed off any suggestion I have made about my own career, and as a result, I don;t have one because everything I have ever wanted to have a go at, I have been too scared to tell her because she will tell me it's stupid or whatever.

I'm just a big fat disappointmet to gher

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Original poster
JustAnotherMoaner · 10/04/2007 08:56

I should just accept the fact she's fucking weird I suppose. I mean, a normal person wouldn't keep their child a secret from theoir work collegues would they? I always felt she was too ashamed of me. I want to shout about my sons from the rooftops. I can't understand why she needed to be so secretive

A few years ago when my grandmother died, my mum was very depressed, and I was there for her. Is it too juch for her to do the same in return.

AAARRGGHHH! I wish I coyuld stop dwelling on it. It's very destructive

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