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Original poster

What do I do about sex?

22 replies

Secretsthatnevershouldbetold · 05/10/2017 11:13

It has been months. And actually, I am quite happy about that. DH is less happy, though he doesn't push or nag.

It is just so boring. And undignified. I feel like a beached whale who nobody could ever find attractive. And my husband looks like a beached whale too, and I don't find him attractive.

The act itself is so... sighs. Absolutely honest - he has a tiny penis. I am sure my muscles are not what they used to be. Neither of these help - but it has never been very satisfactory. For years the only way he has been able to finish has been with me on all fours and him behind. I hate it. It does nothing for me at all, and is so impersonal. It makes me feel like an object, and a not very attractive one at that. Like he doesn't want to see ME - I am just an orifice for his penis.

And that only works maybe 1 time out of 3. The rest of the time his erection just goes away, and then he wants me to "fluff" him so he can get back on. And I really don't want to be bothered.

But I feel selfish - we don't have sex because I don't want to. We have never discussed it really - he doesn't know any of this. Or at least, he knows the mechanics stuff obviously, but not the way I feel about it. And I can't tell him because he would be gutted. So I make it all about me - there is something not right with me because I don't want to.

Maybe there is something wrong with me. I really don't know what to do.

The rest of the relationship is - well, there are a few wrinkles, but in general it is OK.

OP posts:
mdocman1969 · 05/10/2017 11:19

Sounds awful for both of you. Why not park the sex for a while and both of you try and get in shape. Exercising together and eating more healthily might give you a joint focus and might make you feel better about yourselves and each other

jeaux90 · 05/10/2017 11:57

I second the previous poster. But also, have you actually spoken to your husband about this? You should.

Wherearemymarbles · 05/10/2017 11:57

I would say lose weight together. Change diet and excerise.

When work on the sex side

mindutopia · 05/10/2017 12:03

Would be consider seeing someone about erectile dysfunction? It sounds like maybe if he could keep it up, and in a variety of positions, then it would be more satisfying for you. I know in my own experience, after I had my dd, we were both nervous about having sex again (add in that it was always rushed so that we could do it between her waking and needing us) and it took maybe a good year or two until we were genuinely comfortable enough that it wasn't sort of stressful. In that time, my dh struggled to keep it up lots of times and I found it really disheartening. I did feel like it was me. But honestly, it really wasn't. It was just both of us feeling stressed and pressured about it all made it very unsexy and we just couldn't do it (if you've ever tried to orgasm yourself during sex but not been able to, it's like that, nothing to do with your partner, it's just sometimes you're tired, stressed, distracted, something is uncomfortable, etc.).

If it's happening often enough though, there could be a good medical reason why he is having trouble and if you get that sorted, it will help take the stress off of both of you. Once things are less stressful, you aren't worrying about if you're doing the right thing to make him not lose an erection, and you can try a variety of positions, it will come back to you. It really took just doing it even when we didn't really want to, regularly until it all clicked and things got better. It's now 4 years later and we have a sex life we're both happy with. I think that's going to mean you have to talk about it though and not sweep it under the rug, even if it's a hard conversation to have.

CoyoteCafe · 05/10/2017 12:12

I agree with the others. He needs to see a medical professional about his problem. Both of you need to take better care of your bodies. It's two separate problems, but they are feeding off each other. You feel bad about the condition of your body to start, and then his ED seems like validation that the problem is you. His ED is a problem all on its own.

None the less, being healthy and fit does add a certain something to sex.

Thinkingaboutarevolution · 05/10/2017 12:20

I am sorry OP that sounds soul destroying.
But when it was at its best, and you say it was never that good, what was better and what was the same?
Were you still doing it in exactly the same position all the time?
Did he struggle with erections at all then, or is that a more recent thing?

There are so many different aspects to what is going wrong here. I am not sure how you talk to someone about having a tiny penis(!) . You can't change that, obviously, but you can try and change the other things, it might be best to do it with the help of a therapist, but I would find talking about all that in front of a stranger quite toe curling personally.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/10/2017 13:07

First thing - stop feeling guilty. Really.

What you've just described is absolutely horrid. About as far away from fun, enjoyable, intimate sex as I can possibly imagine.

You are perfectly normal and not selfish AT ALL to simply not be able to face that. Fuck, surely it's self-preservation if nothing esle! Do you honestly feel you could do what you describe most nights and actually bear to still live together after a few months?

You need to start sorting things out, clearly - whether that is to work on things or to split, and the health/weight issue is another thing - but, please forgive yourself now for the sex thing. Nobody could face that on a regular basis.

ravenmum · 05/10/2017 16:37

Can you bring this up as a problem that you both share - "OUR sex life is not very inspiring, is it? WE seem to be having trouble getting it together. WE would both like to have more fun, right? What can WE do?" See the GP, discuss hw to get in the mood again, lose weight if it would make you feel better. Then maybe look for a vibrating cock ring together :D

TDHManchester · 05/10/2017 17:28

This sounds dreadful and mutually demeaning. That is probably a contributory factor to his ED. Maybe its time to consider the whole relationship?

beesandknees · 05/10/2017 20:03

It doesn't sound like ED - because he can get it up, and finish. It sounds like a situation where sexual contact has come to mean one thing only - him finishing, and as quickly as possible.

If that's how it is, then it's inevitable that over time it'll become a really boring, demeaning sort of experience. I call this "wank-sock sex".

If you want this to change, it is important for you two to talk about this.

Are there any sexual things that you DO like the sound of? Could his interest in those things be piqued?

Does he / did he ever show any interest in what YOU might want to do?

Any interest in increasing your physical activity? In my experience, increasing muscle mass and flexibility tends to awaken a bit of libido.

Are you on hormonal contraception?

Isetan · 05/10/2017 21:40

Do you want it to change? And if so, what are you prepared to do to bring about change? Are you willing to lose weight to feel more attractive? Are you willing to use verbs to communicate what works for you sexually?

Just because your relationship is ok now, doesn't mean it will stay that way, especially if your sex life remains unfulfilling. Doing nothing is an option but it's not a proactive one. The time to right this (relation)ship is now.

In your discussions you don't have to apportion blame, you could just outline what you'd like.

40andFat · 05/10/2017 22:08

You've been given some great advice here and I don't mean to trivialise but my curiosity is getting the better of me.

What does "fluff him" refer too Hmm

beesandknees · 05/10/2017 23:01

To "fluff" is to do something arousing in order to help a man get / maintain an erection. Can be a physical action, can be sexy talk, etc. Depends on the person and what they like.

PegLegAntoine · 05/10/2017 23:07

Do you mean he is making no effort to make sure you 'finish' too? If so no bloody wonder you aren't interested. He sounds selfish. You don't.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 06/10/2017 08:37

Have you ever fancied him or liked having sex with him? Personally, I would be calling it a day if I felt like you as I think it's pretty difficult to change if ultimately you just don't want to be bothered.

Original poster
Secretsthatnevershouldbetold · 06/10/2017 09:13

No, he's not selfish, really. It is just an either or thing. Either we have sex in a way that interests him (and does nothing for me) or he provides a bit of manual stimulation - which whilst enjoyable physically actually makes me feel like shit.

He has always had a problem with "keeping it going" - we have been married a long time and it has got worse. I am on anti depressants, and when I was very ill (after the birth of child number 3) we had a long period of abstinence. And since then it has been ultra difficult -
my libido is still really very low, and his performance has become more difficult. Honestly - I think the problem with him is that he does a lot of "solo work" and actually finds the physical sensation of sex less intense and thus not stimulating enough. But he does enjoy the intimacy of sex and wants to have more.

I am going to take more exercise. Getting started is hard. I need to try to make it more regular. I joined a running club, but dh laughed at me and told me I would never keep it up. I guess it looks like he was right - but I think a bit more positive encouragement would have helped me... I am still going to, though. I do try to run sometimes, but it needs to be more often, I know.

I want to say: he is my best friend. He makes me laugh. He is kind and generous, loyal and trustworthy. In every relationship there are times when things aren't as rosy - and we are going through a patch at the moment where he is being a grumpy old man (I suspect the sex thing contributes to that, as well as the fact his work is ultra stressful at the moment, and we have money concerns) but these things come and go. I could say confidently that if issued with an ultimatum that went "a marriage without sex/we split up" he would choose to stay with me. Because he loves me. But that doesn't make that choice a fair one, and it wouldn't be a happy choice for him. I don't want to have to make him make that choice. But we are slowly sliding into it, and I don't think it is fair...

OP posts:
ravenmum · 06/10/2017 09:47

Does the manual stimulation make you feel bad because you feel like PIV sex alone should be enough to satisfy you? That you must not be sexual enough otherwise? Or why?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 06/10/2017 12:11

If manual is enjoyable why does it make you feel like shit? Confused

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 06/10/2017 12:12

Anti depressants may well have a part to play in it,they can kill your mood sometimes.

CoyoteCafe · 06/10/2017 12:33

I think he has some performance problems to sort out, but that your self esteem is a problem too.

You feel like a whale, manual makes you feel like shit, etc. some of this is coming from you. And even though you describe him as being loving, when he said something that hurt your feelings, you didn’t call him out on it.

Is Counselling a possibility? I think because there are multiple causes that are playing off each other, outside help might, well, help!

beesandknees · 06/10/2017 15:59

As others have asked why does manual stimulation make you feel bad? It's really really normal to like it, you know that right? Only 40% of women have orgasms from intercourse. The rest of us - the majority of us! Including me - need oral or manual or both in order to orgasm.

Why is it either or?
I'm just trying to imagine it being either or - because in my own experience, "normal" is oral or manual for the lady's enjoyment (with her partner being aroused by her enjoyment), usually to orgasm, and then PIV for both to enjoy, usually until the man orgasms. It's very rarely either or. Is it different for you?

Another little nugget of information. There are three things that typically correlate with women having an orgasm during sex: deep kissing, receiving oral sex, and... manual stimulation.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/feb/23/golden-trio-of-moves-boosts-chances-of-female-orgasm-say-researchers

You are normal. Nothing to feel shit about xx I'm very interested to find out why you feel shit btw! What did you learn about sex growing up that created these painful feelings?

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