Frustrating!

[tigercub50]

I was messaging a friend recently about my DH & did he have any advice from a man’s perspective & he said it was very similar to what his DW does. Basically, DH will say something that upsets me ( never anything terrible but there is no need for it) and I will let him know. It’s not every time as sometimes he apologises straight away but the times that frustrate the hell out of me are when he will turn it around & start making excuses eg “ I didn’t mean it like you took it” or “ You caught me at the wrong time” etc etc. I really don’t get why it seems impossible for him to take responsibility. He gets shirty in the end & will say stuff like “ Oh ok it’s all my fault” & also if I get exasperated ( which I have every right to do) he says “ I don’t want an argument”! Well neither do I! The last time it happened he said that I jumped straight in & didn’t give him chance to explain but there wasn’t anything to explain. What he’d said was unnecessary & a little unfair. It’s almost like he sees being in the wrong as a weakness! I wonder if I call him on something immediately rather than think about it & then bring it up, it might make a difference? But honestly, the world wouldn’t end if he held his hands up & just said “ Sorry love”. Anyone else relate? And what can I do about it?

P .S And possibly most frustrating of all, sometimes it ends up with DH saying we can talk about it if I calm down! Bloody nerve! It’s not about my behaviour! Last time, I was accused of ranting & raving - well I might have been doing that in the end but certainly didn’t start off like that! Honestly you could bang your head against the wall

Anyone up?

I can't see how a glib "sorry, Love" would be any better tbh.

It sounds like a mutual miscommunication at best and him deliberately manipulating the situation at worst.

My exh did similar.

He now does it to our 18 year old son.

Yeah it sounds manipulative

I think you should look at how many people actually don't relate to this issue; I don't because my partner doesn't say things to upset me. Think about that

I had this with ex h... sympathies, it's frustrating and I would get so upset.

I think sometimes I do take it the wrong way as I am very sensitive but DH knows that I am so I feel he should be a bit more understanding rather than automatically go on the defensive. I reckon it stems from childhood & he is very good at it, which frustrates me even more!
If it is deliberate manipulation, why would he do that? And do you have any advice on trying to change these behaviour patterns? I have said to him many times that we are married & should be able to raise anything

He can be the “ open mouth before engaging brain “ type - my DM can be the same but I don’t believe either of them would deliberately upset anyone. Having said that, I do need to be able to get m feelings validated, if that makes sense

My not m

It’s interesting that you say you have every right to get exasperated, but you clearly think he doesn’t. Then you admit that you are sensitive and may sometimes be reading what he says wrong. I think maybe you both need to work on not letting these niggles escalate, but start from an equal footing of not blaming each other.

That said, it does depend on what he’s saying to upset you. If he is being overly cruel or mean, then of course that needs to stop.

Perhaps “ every right to be” was a bit strong but it’s difficult to explain how it goes between us. He doesn’t really get exasperated & I kind of wish he would, rather than the superior manner he adopts eg “ You are now talking to me like you talk to DD. I am happy to discuss it if we can talk about it like adults” etc etc. It becomes about me & what I am doing/saying rather than about him & what he said in the first place.

All I ever want is a “ Sorry that was out of order” or similar. He is generally loads better at apologising sincerely rather than a reluctant sorry to shut me up. To balance things up, I will apologise straight away if I’ve upset him & the scenario I described doesn’t happen when it’s that way round. We don’t argue much generally anymore ( have been working hard on our marriage) but I would love this particular thing to do one lol

Do you ever just say

"That hurt my feelings"

Or

"That was out of order"

Or

"I feel criticised by that comment'

Or

"That was a nice/loving thing to say"

RandomMess, sometimes I do. Other times it takes a little while & then I think “ Ouch”. Do you think it’s better to call him on what he says straight away?

It’s supposed to be effective to say “ When you.....I feel.....” as feelings can’t be argued with

You both need to learn how to communicate effectively. You both sound hard work tbh.

Sometimes you want to explain snappiness beyond a simple apology. You do sound as if you are likely to over react judging by your posts, so maybe you are jumping on every slight disagreement and expecting grovelling apologies when a conversation is required.

I would agree that I tend to “jump” & DH has actually complained that he feels he is on the back foot waiting for me to do this. I think we are both in some respects still stuck in the past. DH has promised he won’t go back to being that nasty bloke & honestly, if I compare this time last year with now, things are a million times better. I just want to try to get past this frustration. And if he is being manipulative I would like to understand why

If he's been that nasty in the past I can understand why you're reacting like this. Would you both consider counselling to learn effective communication techniques and discuss the issues that keep coming back?

I have wanted to go to Relate or similar for many years. We were set to go in Feb but then DH said that as he was the cause of all the problems, he should sort his head out first. He has had a couple of sessions & I had half a dozen & am due to go again. A lot of it stemmed from his cripplingly low self esteem which still needs a lot of work. He wants to look into mindfulness/meditation which we would both benefit from ( I have pretty low self esteem too)