In-laws ripple effect of Affairs

[mamaiFifi]

Long story short:

Other half's dad had an affair with his aunt 25 yrs ago. They are now married. They have always had oh lying to his mum about different family events etc. When his cousins(now stepbrothers) come visit we usually have to go and play happy families. A year ago we told father in law that we were removing ourselves from the awkward family events as we now have a daughter and don't want her to have the worry of being aware of what she is saying to her nanny. They don't want their dad to find out they are visiting. Because of this my oh dads wife has ignored us for a year and said some nasty things to us. His dad has justified it by saying she was hurt because we won't go to events when her children are there. We haven't bother with his dad because he wasn't bothering with us and he said that they were his family now.

We haven't spoke in yonks about o them. My other half txt his dad happy Birthday yesterday. I just feel so let down by him, his dad hasn't acknowledged my birthday or me at all for a long time. His dad hasn't saw our daughter in over 6 months. I just need some positive reassurance. Sorry for the rant! Xx

What exactly would you like to see happen?

His dad and wife apologising for the way we have been treated and hopefully one day things could be a lot better.

Why does your OH need to lie about events, OP?

Because his cousins haven't had a great relationship with their dad, who is his uncle. He had custody of the kids but would suffer from mental healths related problems and wouldn't be very stable ATM. So when they visit their mum (they live abroad) they have asked us not to tell oh's mum for fear she will tell her brother (his uncle). If that makes any sense lol

Your doing the right thing for your daughter. She does not deserve this toxic family situation to be part of her life. They most likely won't apologise though so you may just have to accept that this is your life now. She has Nanny and she can enjoy that relationship. The years go by very quickly so don't waste time trying to please others when they want you to lie for them. Toxic to all of you really.

You will never, ever, in a million years get an apology from these people, so stop wasting headspace even hoping for one. They are clearly more than comfortable in forcing everyone to participate in their bullshit and lies for the sole purpose of making their own lives easier. Refuse and keep moving on.

I see "no contact" thrown around like litter at a festival on MN but in these circumstances I think it would be the only option.
Walk away.

I doubt they'll apologise because then they'd have to accept the possibility of looking at the consequences of their actions IYSWIM.

I'd steer clear of them too. You're doing the right thing.

You’ve done the right thing for yourself and DD, but suggest you leave it up to DP to determine what, if any, contact he wishes to have with his father and aunt.

Who do you feel let down by - DP for texting his dad? YABU on that if so.

Yes, if they’ve behaved like that all these years there’s no way they’ll apologise to DP.

blimey. dont blame you for steering clear but it sounds over the top to be upset about your dh texting his dad happy birthday. he is his dad.

Do you think? I am glad of your opinions. On one hand I feel that by him acknowledging his birthday he is letting us down because we have been completely victimised for not lying for them. He hasn't acknowledged any of our birthdays. On the other hand I feel that we shouldn't stoop to their level and be the bigger people.

I just hate the whole situation and it always ends in a heated argument.

I understand how you feel let down by your husband texting his Dad after all that has happened. You say it causes heated arguments. Thing is , he is still his Dad and he must feel hurt over what happened when he was younger when his Dad left his Mother (for his Mothers sister?). He has had to bear this horrible situation for years and accept it to keep his Dad. Hard for him as his emotions have been manipulated over the years. Let him do what he feels he needs to but also make him aware it is toxic for you and your child . Maybe he would consider counselling to talk over all this .

On one hand I feel that by him acknowledging his birthday he is letting us down because we have been completely victimised for not lying for them. He hasn't acknowledged any of our birthdays.

In my marriage, I'm the one with the crazy family of origin. My best advice to you is to not get involved with how your OH deals with his father. If he wants to text him, it's got nothing to do with you. If he wants to go no contact, it's got nothing to do with you.

Being from a crazy family is difficult -- ridiculous situations arise, and we have fewer skills for building a functional family of our own. Give your OH permission to deal with his crazy family how ever he wants to, and to change his mind about from time to time. When you are angry with his crazy relatives and fight with your OH about them, you are giving them way, way too much space in your lives. Stop caring about them and giving them power to make you angry.

And then do something fun with your OH that you will both enjoy. Tend your relationship. Be nice to each other.

It’s not primarily about how the in laws treat you/the DC, but how they treat DP as their son. He should handle his own contact with his family as he sees fit. You can choose how much/little contact to have with them yourself and agree boundaries for the DC.

They have always had oh lying to his mum about different family events etc
Did they actually expect your OH to lie or just not talk to mum about his contact with them?

Your OH is totally responsible for his own actions.
He did NOT have to lie to his mum or play along with this nonsense for as long as he has done.
I'm sure your OH's mum knows he's in contact with his dad?
Or has your OH been lying to her about it?

FIL and his wife don't owe you an apology.
I think you're using your dc as an excuse because neither of you has the balls to actually say "WE don't like the lying/sneaking behaviour and won't do it anymore"

They don't want oh to tell his mum about the contact with cousins for fear she will tell her brother. We did this for 3 years. When he was younger there was a court order that they weren't to be in contact with wife (and didn't want to) but his dad told him.

As for telling them we did last year it was said in a nice way we were just removing ourselves from the situation, and his wife completely victimised us 'for breaking up the family' they babysat dd and whenever we would have picked up her she wouldn't speak to us, as did her extended family. Then we asked them to talk about it and she said some nasty things to DH. His dad was very aggressive with me. So my DH has avoided his dad for a year. There is a lot of other things that I haven't mentioned. My DH has said that he doesn't want not to have a relationship with his dad in the future.

As others have said, what you as a family unit do about contact (or not) is (both of) yours to worry about.

His relationship with his Dad is his concern only. You can't know what the future will bring, or what a difference even very small gestures can make.

I can see what it utterly frustrates you that your dh still needs to contact his dad but as others have said it is sill his Dad. It must be awful and have been awful for him growing up in this toxic environment but they are still his family and he obviously needs to keep a link with them. You go no contact with your daughter and let your dh do what he needs to do and have what contact he needs to have. No matter how toxic my family might be I would hate for my dh to interfere with how I related to them. He is getting enough crap from his family without you getting angry with him too.

When you’re dealing with a couple who did what they did originally, and who have expected everyone to dance to their tune ever since, I would think them very unlikely to apologise for anything now. Certainly not to you. If they can put their own children in such an awkward position, why would they give a damn about doing the same to you or their DGC?

That said, I think one happy birthday text is not so bad. It’s hardly inviting them round for a party is it?

You need to keep out of it IMO. It's a good thing your OH has a relationship with his dad. I don't think it's healthy to be stewing over something that happened 25 years ago and that you don't know all the facts about. You're waiting for an apology that will never come and one that frankly you are not in any kind of position to ask for or expect.

I am not looking an apology for what they done years ago that's not the issue at all. But rather the way we have been treated because of telling them we weren't happy about the lies and playing happy families with her family anymore. She also wants my daughter to call her nanny which is a big issue with DH. He has told his dad not to contact him, when his dad said he can't see what they have done wrong. His grandad died recently and left us a few pound and the dad has kept it but gave it to DH brother.

I really appreciate everyone's opinions this is kinda therapy for me, and husband is going to see a counsellor. At one stage he was very down about how his dad was treating him.

It’s great that he’s going to see a counselor! It is a messy situation. I think that the more you focus on supporting your dh with his family rather than letting them get to you the better it will go for your family. Good luck!