Sad about lost friendship

[ShuttyTown]

I’ve been friends with A for about 3 years, met at a playgroup for our DS’s who were both 2 at the time. We quickly became good friends, and our DH’s got on too so we did holidays, nights out, takeaway nights, Sunday lunches etc together.

A has lots of other friends however (but not as close as I was in terms of spending time together as a 4) that she would see for days out with their kids and play dates etc and I only have one other friend really so sometimes I felt a bit resentful if she was out with her other friends and she never invited me to be part of that.

Anyway cut to half term in February I never heard from her and saw on Facebook she’d done activities each day with her other friends and their children, I was upset but never said anything. Then come the Easter holidays same again, she was busy every day doing days out with her other friends and I didn’t see her for the full two weeks. (Normally we would do days out/playdates for our DS’s in every holiday). I was pissed off after this and I stopped messaging her and she never messaged me either however would still ‘like’ my photos on FB etc. Then the nail in the coffin was she posted a photo of her DS at a football class that we had originally taken our DS’s together, and decided not go back when they didn’t show much interest in it. When I saw she’d taken him back without even asking if we wanted to give it another try I was upset and angry and I removed her off Facebook as I took it as a hint that she was done with me. I left it a few days and didn’t hear from her and then when I checked she had actually blocked me on Facebook.

I have left it weeks now but I do miss her, she was a good friend and we had been there for each other through some hard times, so despite my better judgement I bit the bullet and wrote to her, just a short note saying I was sorry for removing her off FB, I missed her, my DS misses her DS and I’d love to chat and sort things out. She would have received the letter on Monday, I still haven’t heard from her.

WWYD? My DH is telling me to leave it, she obviously doesn’t want to sort things out but I want to go round to her house and face her and ask her why things ended up like this.

Thank you if you’re still with me, that was very long!

I also realise how sad and desperate I sound once it’s all written down but I just feel so sad about losing someone who was such a good friend. Thanks for any advice!

*@Taylor22, the OP was NOT like that, how many times??? Projecting much!!**

That's your opinion. I've read it differently and I think the poster comes across as overbearing a bit.

It's unsettling when friends move on. I think it often happens around this time - the dc start school and you're mixing with other parents daily. It's kind of natural to be investing more time with them than the friends you met at toddler groups. Especially as the dc are making new friends now too.

I guess when it happens you have to take the hints and move on yourself.

I had some very similar reactions when my eldest was about 5. One friend distanced herself, another would discuss our dc doing an activity together, then go and book hers up without telling me. I think really people are just living their lives, doing the best for their dc and they don't have time to consider anybody else when doing so.

So on the whole I think you've probably taken it personally when it wasn't. People do move on to others at this stage. There have been a number of posts where people complain of their dc not being invited to parties once their friends have gone to different schools. The dc move on. At this age, they don't have loyalty to friends and neither should they really. They very often forget the people they knew in their toddler days.

The only friendship I maintained from toddler groups was one where our dc ended up in the same class at school. I was quite upset with losing what I thought was a good friend to find our dc in the same class at secondary school and we reconnected a bit then.

The answer of course is to seek new friendships yourself. I'd really recommend finding some for yourself that don't involve your dc. Because that way, they're not quite so reliant on your dc being in the same place at the same time or them getting on with one another. The more friendships/acquaintances you make, the less you rely on one particular person.

There’s no need to be unkind to her though, is there? That’s one thing that’s far too common on mumsnet. This is not AIBU, the OP posted in relationships for support and help.

@Taylor22 the poster clearly said she hadn't acted on her hurt feelings and has sent only one note. @LADYSTALKER that was just nasty not advice.

I think friendships can be difficult there is so much interpretation and frankly people would rather ghost than communicate a little bit like a romantic relationship that goes south.

I had a similar thing with a very close friend almost (it felt like) out of the blue she went 'cold' on me. The more I tried to arrange nights out etc the more distant she became feeling suffocated as past posters suggest. Now I wasn't stalking or expressing hurt feelings just suggesting meet ups as we had always done.

Anyway transpires (and she admitted this to me much later on) that she was put out and a bit jealous of a new friendship I had formed. Ironically the one I am now posting about !!!! So I suppose there could be another reason for her behaviour. Maybe something in her life or the kids or other friends I dont know. My friendship with this woman never really totally recovered unfortunately esp as she doesnt like other friend but she now has a new man that takes all her time anyways.

So I would leave it there the ball is in your friends court, hopefully you can resolve.

It also sounds like the OP supported her during a difficult time in her life. Possibly she’s come through that and regrets the amount she confided in her? I’ve felt that way before and pulled back from friendships.

oh I meant to say same friend who pulled back doesn't like mixing her social groups she told me this. So even though I happily mixed her in with mine and also spported her through various life crisis she never recipricotated because she liked to maintain those different groups.

Thank you to those who are being kind and have actually understood my posts.

@Taylor22 I said I felt resentful but I never showed her this and never said anything to her about it. It didn’t eat me up inside! it would just be a passing ‘oh wonder why she didn’t invite me and my DS to that’ and then I’d leave it.

Again for clarification I never suffocated her, didn’t ‘throw my toys out of the pram’ when she used to meet up with others, they were passing fleeting feelings in the moment of feeling a bit left out and then our friendship would continue as normal. I mentioned it in my OP as I wanted to give an honest account. I wish I’d never bothered now

I think I’ll leave this thread now, I’ve gotten some good advice but some of the comments towards me are ridiculous. If I’d wanted nasty I’d have gone to AIBU.

Thanks again

Bit harsh on OP some replies.

Could it be her kid doesn't want play with your child just now?

If she was still liking your FB posts, then doesn't sound a full fall-out. Maybe she embarrassed to tell you her kid doesn't want to play with yours.

Could you text her and offer a coffee just 2 of you when kids at nursery perhaps? Or even at a softplay so you can get a little 1-2-1 with friend while not interrupted with kids?

Just chat about fun stuff, rather than have a moan why she excluded you. Give her something to think about afterwards and hope she enjoyed time, and would meet you again.

Play it casual - not desperate. Talk of things you have done with other friends. Show interest (pretend interest!) and act like you happy for her.

From what I have read, you were particularly close to this person. I wouldn't throw it away without another try. Dont confront her at house etc,

You sound nice, and some keyboard warriors on this thread have been mean to you.

Go with your gut instinct. If she turned up at your door tomorrow, you'd be delighted, yeah? They try arrange meet her and see if you can rekindle some sort of contact and friendship.

I find this happens a lot when the kids move on to other schools. They move in. Out of sight out of mind sadly.
Maybe your sons sent such good friends after all.
Maybe her dh is jealous of your dh
Who knows but I think you need to accept it's done.

It's hard to get over a good friend sometimes so allow yourself time to grieve the friendship.