What do I need to know about possible future separation/divorce?

[Otterspotter]

'D'h revealed he had had an affair over the summer.

I thought he wanted to give our marriage a real go but he is mostly still being a complete c**t (I never use that word but appropriate here). He is unreasonable, going out on nights out even though he knows it upsets me, it feels like he is angry with me (with me!?!), literally never thinks about my feelings.

We are due to start Relate from next week but whereas up til now I have thought I love him very much still and want to try anything it takes, I am now starting to seriously consider whether I want to stay with him.

We have two young dc (5 and 2). I was a teacher up until our youngest was born but have been a sahm since then. We live in London and own our home

If we were to separate/divorce how does it work? I feel especially vulnerable being a sahm, do I need to get back into work quickly? Any practical advice gratefully received

Anyone? 🙁 Maybe I haven't given this a very good title

I don't think you should stick around and put up with him treating you so badly. It sounds like he's got a taste for the single life and doesn't fancy giving it up soon. He should be moving heaven and earth to sort things out and show how sorry he is, not acting like an arse and making you feel even worse.

On a practical front. Do you 2 own your own home? Any idea what the mortgage is compared to it's likely value? Do you know what your H earns? With regards to work, do you feel that you would be able to return to the work place, maybe part time?

In your shoes I would get as much financial information as possible and go a see a solicitor. They can give you some realistic advice on the reality of leaving etc.

When you say "revealed he had an affair", does this mean the OW dumped him and that he expects you to "work harder" to keep him happy, otherwise he'll be fucking off with someone else any minute now, you just watch?

I'd suggest you pull the plug as soon as you can.

Ring round local solicitors, try to find some who do initial half hour consultations free. (Might be a tough task in London, I don't know.) Take with you every piece of financial documentation you can lay your hands on, including salary slips for him, pension statement, outstanding mortgage amount on house and vaguely current valuation, any other assets such as business investments or other properties.

You would need to offset the childcare costs for your DC against your potential salary, but at least in teaching you'd get term time hours so childcare costs wouldn't be as high as working in non-academic jobs, I guess. Would your 2 yr old get a free nursery place for X hours? Do you have family nearby (on your side, don't depend on his) who'd be able to help out?

One thing you need to know is that most break-ups in this type of situation end badly and more spitefully than you could ever imagine so be prepared. Get all the financial information you can in advance. Get good legal advice and representation. Don't ever expect him not to do the lowest of the low things, including using your children and emotionally abusing them (saying things that cause them distress to get at you). if you are prepared for that you can only be pleasantly surprised if split up goes well.

Also it's not just him, try not to do the above things yourself, no matter how he pushes your buttons. Because your kids will suffer if either or worse, both of you get into that sort of behaviour.

Be ready to wear the thickest skin of your life. You can do it! And you deserve better than him.

We own our house yes and the mortgage is just under half its value I think.

I want to give Relate a shot but I am certainly a lot less hopeful than I was.

And no, no family close by. ☹️

In brief, you will have claims for maintenance for you in any divorce, as well as for the children. As you both (presumably) decided that you would be a SAHM, I would say that you should not, at this stage, be looking to go back to work. This is one of the things that you should be looking to get legal advice on: find yourself a Shit Hot Lawyer and get advice before you do anything else. Whether you decide to stay or go, from what you say, you can't reckon on your H taking a reasonable stance (as an aside, how dare he behave as he is behaving?!) so dig out papers regarding his income, any savings, as well as household expenses, and get good advice as to what you are entitled to. Once you have that advice, you can decide what you want to do and how to go about it.

What you need to know:

The DCs will not be badly affected by this as long as he steps up to his share and you both never speak badly of each other.

The other thing he needs to do is pay maintenance towards the DC's expenses while they're with you. He may not play fair with this, so yes, a reliable source of income would be useful. But tax credits etc could be a stepping stone. Being a teacher myself, I would suggest looking for a part time job rather than full time.

Having said that, you need to know that childcare is sorted when you're not around. Don't rely on him to help out.

Basically, if you can have minimal contact with him (and as many things as possible regular arrangements rather than ad hoc will help with that) then you stand the best chance of co-parenting amicably.

That is a point I am a little concerned about Theos as while he has always said he was happy to support the decision, he has (silently at first but now verbalised a few times) resented the fact I am not currently working (though this is also due to him being so unreasonable- he is a very high earner, works long hours, never volunteers to do anything to help out in practical ways with the children, hasn't actually thought through the practicalities of getting the youngest to childcare (I have been sure it would all fall to me to work out)) Donyou think that could be significant?

Practically, I would draw up a budget for living solo and get familiar with his salary so you can determine cms.Also look up possible tax credits.

Do you know about savings or pensions?

Emotionally I would line up support, tell someone you are close to and trust.It can really help to get an outside view.
It's definitely worth going to Relate however it doesn't feel as if he's committed.Everyone feels such guilt/regret at ending a marriage that it's important you know you did everything possible.

Be prepared for the roller coaster of emotions, often great sadness even if you know there is no alternative.Once I decided to end the marriage I had an adrenalin rush sorting everything out but later crashed and the tears flowed for quite a while.It is like a bereavement so know you will not be in a good place for a while.

Don't forget.

You can use the relate appointment either together or just for you. And it's ok to use it to discuss how to split rather than how to stay together.

Hi Otter. I worked at least part time for years, whilst children were small etc, and stopped with my h's support (he too was a high earner, career oriented etc) at age 50, looked after grandchild/worked for ChildLine. Then when we were both 54 my h of 28 years buggared off with the OW. I was advised by my lawyer not to seek work, but to claim maintenance until I was 60 (the age we had decided to retire). The idea was to maximise any claim I had against him.

Your situation is different, because you are younger, as are your children, but in the event that your h doesn't immediately volunteer a very fair settlement, I think you too should maximise your claim against him. It doesn't mean you can't go back to work, or that he won't argue that you could/should do so at some point, but if you get a decent arrangement on maintenance, it might take financial pressure off you and mean that YOU make the choice rather than that you are forced into it by necessity.
The other thing is that my h said he knew it was his fault, he'd always do right by me etc etc. Guilt has a short shelf life: it wasn't long before he was protesting that I should have no maintenance from him whatsoever. My advice would be to give yourself choices and options by not looking for work right now. Apart from anything else, I was in no fit state to work for a while after my h left (although had a been at work, it might have taken my mind off things a bit-swings and roundabouts I guess!)
I hope that helps. Can I add, it's 3 years since mine left, and I didn't want him to go, our life was pretty good and I thought we were both happy enough. And it was shitty when and how he left, and the first 6 months were tough. But now, I wouldn't have him back for all the tea in China. You will get through this.

The judge in my case was very insistent that my ex remembered we had made the decision for me to be a SAHM and reminded ex often that the contribution I had made was at least as valuable as the monetary one ex had made to the marriage.
I would not rush back to work. Copy every piece of relevant financial info, look at tax credits (Entitled to website will help) don't expect things to be easy or for him to stick to his word about anything! Gather some listening ears - it helps to offload.
Good luck, you will be strong enough 💐