Struggling without him & I want a family

[Lipsy21]

Together nearly 2 years. I have a long term chronic illness including a colostomy bag, I'm 31 but generally okay.
He is the first man who has accepted me for me, has made me feel like a normal person again and when I'm with him I feel good. I struggled to date etc in my late 20s due to the illness and experienced really awful men who would never understand.

We had a rocky time a few months ago, he also has an illness. He is 4 years younger. We ended up breaking up as he can be quite chaotic person, I have often thought he possibly has adhd, he agrees. He was meeting someone else during this break and kept this a big fat secret. He has made some poor choices through our relationship. But I know he does have his own demons, I'm no angel either.

Anyway, we ended up back together and I found out. I then go to friends and fam upset, tell them every detail. They now all despise him and have made it clear they don't want me to be with him. He has said he is profusely sorry, that it was a mistake etc that he was going through a rough time.

He has been practically begging me back for the past two months, saying he wants to start a family with me and properly make a go of things. He's also started counselling. The hard part is i want that exact thing (even though I keep telling him I dont want it with him after everything).
Things like not sleeping in the same bed at night, just being with him, him cooking tea and us having a chuckle at garbage on the tv is just tearing me apart. I've never had a connection with someone like i've had with him. I'm about to sound pathetic but I cry every day now, I miss him more than I ever thought I would.

I really want to start a family, I don't have any kids and I've wanted one for a long time. I think that makes me very depressed too. Knowing that I have someone I could have a family with but fam/friends despise him etc. He already has a child from a previous relationship and he's a great dad.
Then I think if I remove him from my life and start again with someone new I will be looking at having my first child at 34 or so and it just upsets me. .

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to go no contact and forget about him etc. If I did i wouldn't be on here asking for help on what to do.

I know it's hurtful, but technically he didn't do anything wrong if you were separated when he had his fling - unless I'm misunderstanding the chronology of it?

Are you just desperate for a baby or do you really and truly want the relationship to work? If so, work on the relationship and forgiveness. As pp said, if you had separated he wasn't unfaithful even if it's disappointing that he had this fling.

Try to fully understand where things went wrong or the same problems will arise. In terms of your family, they are bound to be concerned but if they love you they will support you over time if he proves himself. Does he have any mental health issues? Chaotic may be scatty or ADHD but could be something more so suggest following this up with his gp.

Good luck.

@matilda thank you, yes he suffers from depression and has done for years.

To be honest I would say im desperate for both, him and a baby.

Are you just desperate for a baby or do you really and truly want the relationship to work?

That’s the key question. Your longing for him will lessen; there’s an element of familiarity and the sunken cost fallacy. You need to really assess if it’s baby that you want, or him.

I’d also question whether it’s a good idea to bring a baby into a chaotic persons life... that doesn’t seem fair on him, his existing child or your baby.

He didn’t do anything wrong by having a fling when you were separated; although if he went out of his way to lie and obscure the truth, that’d be a concern for me. Regardless, you have to work out if there’s a way past this for you and how you avoid it happening again.