Exploded at DP and feel like shit

[splendidisolation]

If anyone has read my "He's from the country..." thread they'll understand the context to this.

This morning we were having breakfast and he started saying he'd bumped into an old friend who suggested going on a skiing holiday in February and he was all up for it. We had talked about doing this too before he bumped into his friend. He said he realised that initially we had said we would go as a couple but it was up to me.
Basically I then completely lost my rag.

I started going on about how all of a sudden his friend (and girlfriend) are involved so suddenly he's getting proactive. I then linked that with the moving in together issue, and went on this rant about how I was fed up of stuff centring around his friends and family, how I was sick of having to force and push every decision (going on holiday, moving in, etc) otherwise nothing ever happens. Said I was frustrated that when its just me nothing really happens but all of a sudden his mate wants to go on holiday too and we're making plans.

I think my iwn issue is as a kid we werent allowed to voice any unhappiness of any kind (with some pretty unhappy events) so I must have learnt not to express negative feelings. This means they build up and I end up losing it like I did this morning.

He looked really hurt and said "I get it. Basically you want me to be less drippy about things" and said we should talk about it calmly this evening as he was already late for work.

I just feel like shit.

I feel so bad for having blown up but I also feel deeply frustrated and like I'm having to bend and compromise all the time. Tgis weekend its his birthday so Saturday his only day off will be dinner with his friends, Sunday will be dinner with his family, apparently our holiday will now be holiday with his friends, I cant tell anymore whether im unreasonable or reasonable I just know i feel exhausted and frustrated and guilty.

I think going by your other thread, these things all needed to be said. This is your chance to change things so it's not all about him having everything he wants all of the time and taking that completely for granted, but it might be make or break.

I just think that you and the time you want to spend together, like holidays, need to be a priority rather than you just being one of the people he likes having in his life.

Clearly im on a self pity party today.

I dont know what a normal relationship looks like, i dont know whether its normal to do so much centred around his family and friends or not. As kids we were definitelt not made to feel like priorities so i guess ive carried that over.

He only has one day off a week so its all very pedestrian. We dont go anywhere or do anything much except occasionally go out for dinner or something because hes understandably knackered. But to me its just like i feel resentful, resentful that we dont have any real time other than collapsing together every night, resentful that he doesnt appear to want to get out and about and try new things, see new places on his day off, resentful that the time we do have is so often shared with his family and friends. Im frustrated and confused about whats normal or not, whether my responses are uncalled for, what.

Thank you @PNGirl thats what I feel too.

Shit its all coming out now, sorry to be a drama queen but im feeling teary.

I made a post on AIBU the other night about his sister texting me to try and organise his birthday and people told me i was being unreasonable, rightly.

But ita because its part of a wider picture.

I feel so angry and frustrated i could scream.

How much am i supposed to bend and flex here? He's a nice guy, a very decent guy, but im doing all the fucking work here.

I move
I do his fucking laundry, cook the meals, do the food shopping, do most of the cleaning
Ive got him a great gift and am seemingly going to be spending the weekend celebrating his birthday when he didnt get me anything not even a card because he was recently bereaved and on the dole and in debt when it was mine
Im supposed to enjoy spending most of his off time with his friends and family
Hes moving through his late 30s and im still expected to push push push for us moving in, not because he doesnt want to but because hes so passive if i dont nothing will happen

What about my friends? My family? My birthday?

Maybe there is no black and whte, someone can be a decent person but also selfish like another poster said on my other thread.

He looks absolutely gutted when i brig this up and i believe he is. I believe he was raised by a self sacrificing mother and sister and has no fucking conception that this couldnt be less than ideal.

I just needed to get this out.

You need to give him that list, essentially.

It isn't normal, unless you are in the fairly early stages of dating someone who is quite happy with their lot. You are not in the early stages.

I moved for my husband's job (we'd graduated university, so had to go somewhere and moved to somewhere neither of us are from). I have never not had a birthday present or Christmas present, we only go away on holiday separately with friends once we've sorted out plans to go away together, and we see our family relatively evenly. All these things are quite easily achievable if you work as a team.

He doesn't need to be a total bastard but it's entirely possibly he's got this idea that he'll always have a female family member bending over backwards for him and he thought he'd just swap out a mum for a partner/wife.

But he isn't passive is he? He is getting to organise and do what he wants.

Only free day spent doing what he wants.

Holiday organising what he wants.

It is that he can't. It is because he can't be bothered for/with you.

Maybe pull back and focus on you OP. Sounds like you're Maybe you're trying too hard for him and not giving yourself treats and time.

You can't make somebody do things. Maybe taking a step back will let you view it differently and let him do some groundwork

I know what you mean OP. It's almost like you're the side car to his actual life with his family. I fear it'll never change or he'll resent you for pulling him away from being "family orientated"

It all looks too much like hard work, on your side. He has said you can talk tonight, I would have a list ready.

This is your chance to be 100% honest about how you feel about everything.

Make tonight a line in the sand, either things change or you will move on. You cant live a whole life like this, with your needs being well down the list of priorities.

i dont think what you said sounded like a particularly bad explosion. You just said what needed to be said

Honestly you have to stop bending over backwards and stop sacrificing your side of things to him. Stop doing everything for him. Everything you have and are apparently revolves around him - that's unsustainable.

You'd be mad to have dc with him.

Just give him this thread to read.
It's all there, and the responses !!

He doesn't come across too well OP

I think you need to consider ending the relationship.

You've got to accept that he is this way. The fact that he doesn't intend to hurt you or that he doesn't act with malice, doesn't mean that you two are compatible. He is like this - he is always going to be like this - he's not going to change. You need to accept the person he is showing you he is, or (for your own happiness and sanity) you need to move on.

I think that all of this paints a picture of a relationship that's over and isn't one that will ever make you happy

I was the poster who said people can be nice but still selfish and I do think some of this is him being a bit useless and complacent. I hugely agree that some men are used to the women in their lives prioritising them, so much that they don't even notice they're basically steamrollering everything with their own priorities.

I also think maybe there are genuine compatibility issues that are no-one's fault. Someone who, what was it from the other thread?, lives opposite their primary school and sees their mum every day is always going to be a homebody totally enmeshed in their great community, who maybe isn't particularly adventurous. His emotional life is basically still bound up in his home town and his friends and family, and he essentially sees that as a really positive thing, and for himself he's not wrong. I can't readily imagine the woman who will walk into all that and think it's amazing enough to collapse her own personality into, but maybe that's a failure of imagination on my part. At any rate, it doesn't sound like it's you.

Tbh though I'm getting more manchild vibe now than I think I did from your other thread.

He has the life he wants. He lives where he wants, has the family and social life he wants. And he has you, walking along his path beside him.

But it's his path, not your path, or the path that the two of you might decide to plunge off on together.

You've not been entirely satisfied with his path and, with his blessing, because he's not a controlling dick, have made sporadic forays off his path. And then come back.

But I think you've had enough of his path. What you would really like is for the two of you to strike out on a new path, which you both agree on, but which will involve compromises from both of you. You are way ahead of him on this - you have been turning over in your mind, how much you can bear to compromise for some time. I'm not sure he's even realised that he will have to make some compromises if he wants to keep you. Time to make it clear to him, I think.

He doesn't get it though does he. You don't want him to be less drippy, you want him to realise that you're an autonomous human being who is exactly as important as him and whose time is exactly as valuable as his - and not his unobtrusive well-trained servant.

It's very hard to get through to a man who doesn't really think women are people ime. I suggest you explain this to him and give him one chance to get it. If he doesn't, get the hell out before you end up as 'nagging' family servant to him & your kids. Find a man who can take responsibility for himself and treats you as an equal - they do exist.

And here is some and some for your birthday splendid. It's not OK that he gets looked after and you don't.