Relationship with m irrovacably damaged

[bestfakesmile]

My m and I have been very low contact ever since I expressed my upset over a passive aggressive remark she made. I have never dared to pull her up on anything before but this time for some reason I did. I was extremely calm and reasonable throughout but as expected she brought out the emotional big guns and made herself out to be a wounded martyr. I kept on insisting that all I wanted was to be able to express my feelings and for her to do the same without either of us engaging in passive aggression. She continued with her hystrionics and extreme emotional blackmail for almost three months. I continued to hold my ground.
During this time I realised she is a narcissist and I am a completely enmeshed codependent. I also got quite depressed.
Finally she did seem to 'give in' and agree that in future we would both be free to express ourselves appropriately and discuss any issues like two adult women. She then went away on holiday for a few weeks and has just returned.
The day she came Back I started to feel really stressed and it's getting worse. I'm crying a lot and am unable to function properly especially at work. I can't sleep and I'm exhausted.
I realise the problem is that in reality I will never be free to express myself, I never have been and I never will be. I now know she is quite prepared to make any step out of line on my part hugely painful for both of us. Her seeming acquiescence is just a patsy to me. She will behave for a very long time I am sure but she also knows I'm unlikely to ever cross her again.
The reality of the situation is that I feel like I have lost my old mum, the 'perfect' one She always told me that she was. Of course this was all her narcisstic fantasy but she did play the role brilliantly convincingly.
Now I feel more impotent than ever as I see this pattern repeating itself in literally every single relationship/friendship I've ever had. I don't have friends, I don't have hobbies, I say nothing, ask nothing of anyone, repeatedly set myself on fire to keep other people warm with no appreciation. Every person I have on my life (including sadly my dh and dc) know that the way to get me to do absolutely anything is to start having a hissy fit and I will instantly give in.
I am so tired of being bullied, manipulated and abused. I know the reason I keep resorting this pattern is because it's been hard wired into me from a very early age.
I have been having therapy but gave up because I felt like it was making things worse, the therapist just kept telling me what I ought to be doing to solve relationship issues. The problem isn't knowing what to do it's being able to do it.
I've tried standing up for myself and enforcing a boundary with my mum here and it has led to our relationship being destroyed. I know now that the relationship was actually built on nothing but it still hurts like hell to lose it.
I can't see a way forward, I just want to start over again.

Oh my love. I'm sorry. I've been where you are.

I'm reading and running but want to mark my place to return. In the meantime. I want to offer you my hand to hold x

Didn't want to read and run but just wanted to say how well I think you're doing. You've started a healing process, which is great!

I know it can be very hard standing up to people, especially when you've been trained to fear the consequences of that from an early age.

Little steps!

Can you private message OP? Id love to chat properly. We are in the same boat. Big hugs xx

Thanks for those words of encouragement everyone.
It's strange now as i used to see her so much and it was fine, I would have said we had a good relationship. I did know at the time that we weren't actually close and that we certainly didn't think/feel the same about life/universe. I know now that it was a very one way relationship. She always made me feel like she was doing so much for me (and others) she likes to make out she's the original mother superior. I've been groomed into believing this fantasy but I realise now that it is just her narcissistic creation. I feel so guilty for writing that but it is true.
In the course of the emotional blackmailing she said some very revealing things. She also tried to make me feel guilty for being successful in my life, ironically it is because of her that I have been so successful because I've always felt not good enough and under pressure to be perfect so I am a workaholic.

I was going to start a similar
Thread today op-so just wanted to come on and say I understand how you feel. My parents let me down really badly during my divorce, siding with my now exh, until some
Behaviour of his came to light that even they couldn't ignore. For a year they have appeared to be on my side, but on Tuesday seemed to do an abrupt u-turn again. I have been really tearful ever since, more than usual, because even though I explained to them, reasonably, that what they were doing is really hurtful, I got the usual ' well you're being ridiculous and we're going to do it anyway' response that I've always got when I've questioned any of their actions.
In the past I've been upset but just accepted it and tried to maintain the relationship.
But this time it's like a switch has flipped. I just don't think I can accept being treated like that anymore. I feel bereft to be honest. Not angry, just very very tired and sad.But I also know that if I carry on accepting their behaviour my mental health will suffer badly.
Sorry- this is your thread, not mine...but I do wish you well and send you lots of love...

Find yourself another therapist maybe? If you're not doing CBT then that might be the way to go if you want practical exercises Also possibly a self-help group of the kind where you do role plays? I've been doing impro and it is kind of similar. And perhaps look out for a totally different kind of friend group - maybe take up an artsy hobby or meditation, yoga - something where you might meet other people trying to deal with similar issues?

I tried setting a boundary this year too, dm made out that it was me attacking her without reason as she wasn't being sarcastic at all. I "made up" to keep her happy - just came to the realisation that no, we were not going to have it out and then she would realise the error of her way, so I might just as well fake compliance - and have not contacted her since. No doubt she'll be telling people how I don't keep in touch and she doesn't know why. I'm now accepting that I can't change that.

I also really get what you are going thru. When first starting therapy you start viewing all interactions differently.
Its like a filter has been removed.
You finally understand that its OK to start build boundaries and once you start you want to maintain them.

Putting yourself first discovering your needs and how you want to be treated are eye opening.

CBT really opened up this part of me, I finally saw I wasn't happy with how toxic family treated and it was not only OK to admit this but OK to assert this too.
Keep going op return to therapy or CBT
You'll find your tolerance for drama decreases the more healthy boundaries you build.

I myself was no longer willing to fake family togetherness while ignoring the toxicity.

I doubt your relationship has been destroyed. The way I read it you've finally stood up to her,to attempt to change the relationship from the manipulative obe you had to a healthier one. The old relationship has hope fully gone - now you have to continue to build the new one (if that's what you want)

The idea that you'll have a breakthrough yourself and that your m will go along with it and change too is so tempting. But not always realistic. It might well just be you. Your new behaviour might just trigger her to be more toxic than ever. My mother is over 70 and there's not going to be a breakthrough. I can avoid the crap or stir it up further by refusing to ignore it - or step aside as much as possible. Having tried ignoring it, then refusing to ignore it, I'm going for just not being there to see it in the first place.

bestfakesmile I too understand what you're going through. It's a painful process to assert yourself and say 'no more, I no longer want to be, or am no longer comfortable with being, the person you want me to be.

Being true to yourself will eventually give you peace of mind, but it's not an easy process. I'm still not 100% there and it's been three years since I've seen or spoken with my M. In my case we had a disagreement, the usual pattern is that I'd contact her, grovel, make amends, anything to appease her and the merry-go-round would commence. Only this time, I chose to step off the merry-go-round, I didn't contact her and she, unsurprisingly, didn't contact me either. And now, I really wouldn't want to have any contact with her because going NC gave me clarity to see her for what she really is.

Be kind to yourself. You have done nothing wrong. You spoke up and if people cannot deal with you voicing a concern or an opinion, they're not worth having in your life. If the relationship is to be built on, it takes two. It's not your sole responsibility.

It is like a switch has been turned on and this issue has revealed the root cause of the issues in my life. It has had huge implications in every aspect of my life, my inability to set boundaries, hold people accountable and ask for help has impacted everything.
Ginmakesitallok, I really do think our relationship has been fundamentally damaged and I am sure I won't ever forget the things she said. It made it so clear that she has manipulated me (and my sis and everyone else) her whole life to create a persona of being the perfect saint whilst not actually doing anything for anybody at all.

I'm also feeling that I have been shown what the price of asserting myself will be. I have allowed my employees, myfriends, my dh and my dc to manipulate me and they have all only had to show a small amount of resistance and I will back down over almost anything. Mostly no one has to do anything now to keep me in check my behaviour and body language shows I'm basically apologising for existing with every cell of my body. I feel a million miles away from becoming assertive.