I don't know how to help my friend. I think I've said the wrong thing

[TickledOnion]

I don't think my friend is an MNer but if so I hope she'll forgive me for writing this.

Friend is unhappily married. Very similar story to many I have seen on this board.
Her DH has a toxic family that he prioritises over her and their DC. She can never please them but according to him they can do no wrong.
She does everything for him, she says its like having another child.
And the latest is that he invested a large chunk of their savings without telling her.
But he's not abusive, and she says they get on as friends. And he's never been unfaithful.

My ExH left me to be with OW nearly 4 years ago. Although it was truly awful for a year, I now have a lovely DP and am very happy. Friend said my happy outcome has given her hope that she can leave her marriage and be happy. She is a very strong person and I know if she chooses to leave she will get through it.

She's heartbroken about the end of her marriage but feels it is the right thing to do. They've tried counselling but the counselor seemed to be stuck in the 1950s and said she has to make all the compromises.

I feel terrible that I have pushed her towards breaking up her family. I don't know if I should have told her to work harder on her marriage or that maybe if she waited a bit things might get better or that it was better for the DC to have parents that are together. I don't know what to say to her now or how to help her. Not sure what the point of this post was but I was hoping for some wise (or harsh) words.

Unless you have harangued her into LTB, it's not you who has decided that their marriage is over

At the end of the day it's her who has chosen to leave...

If she didn't want to then she wouldn't. ..no amount of you pushing would change that...

As PPs have said, her choice.

How could it be down to you? Unless you've got her at gunpoint, it seems to me that she's an adult and makes her own choices.

You've pushed her towards leaving an abusive marriage (going by what you've said that is abuse yes). So don't feel bad. Keep being a good friend.

Counselling doesn't always work.

He's the one with the problem so how could SHE work harder to save the marriage?

As you say, it was hell for a year. It always is whatever the circumstances. Gets worse before it gets better but you're happy now and she will be too. Eyes on the prize.

Nobody leaves a long marriage (especially with children) unless they have decided themselves it's the only option and all others are exhausted.

She's been to counselling. It failed to help. She's not leaving because you say she should, or because you left a marriage. Nothing to feel guilty about, OP.

Thanks everyone. I know she had probably made her mind up already. I just feel sad and really hope it turns out well for her.