Friend playing victim - wwyd?

[secondhoneymoon]

Had a major family medical diagnosis (really life/death situation). I tried to set up meeting with friend to tell her about it but she was always too tired (fair enough but could see her nights out on FB) told her by text therefore what was going on - her response meanwhile was not to do too much for said family member and look after myself.
Fast forward to awful treatment for said family member, during which time other friends really looked after me. Rightly or wrongly I acknowledged other friends' suppor publically on FB, after which friend got the hump because she'd 'always been there for me' - but she hadn't, was always too busy which to an extent I understand. Meanwhile she is playing the victim to other friends, saying I was out of order asking for her to listen to my (very serious) family issues when she was so busy and it was nasty of me to thank other people and leave her out (when she'd done nothing )
I actually don't care what she thinks but so care what others do. Not sure how to handle when she is playing the victim and I am not quite sure what I've done wrong (whilst meanwhile grieving said family member)
Advice please lovely ladies x

1. Sorry for your hard time
2. She sounds like a dick, head up and move on. If she's badmouthing you to your friends they'll know what a dick she is too.
3. Keep it all off Facebook. NOTHING good has ever come out of sharing stuff on Facebook

I agree with what Shirley said. Sorry for your loss. xx

You don’t say who the poorly person is , but unless the unwell person is your partner or DC then your expectations of your friend’s initial response seem very high.

No point worrying what others think. She will likely come across pretty badly if she complains about you to others.

Thanking people on FB isn’t great IMO: it can be passive aggressive or just unecessarily public.

I'm sorry for your hard time. It's shit when you feel let down by friends. I don't think it's helpful to make it so public about who gets brownie points though for being there, although she shouldn't be making it public that she's feeling left out. I'd say try to ignore it & let it blow over, otherwise ask her if she wants to meet up & talk. I think honesty is the best policy, as long as you don't get too angry/upset when discussing it. Hope things improve for you

Sorry, I missed that your relative passed away.

I can't imagine what it must have been that required her to be told face to face.

I have really supportive friends and definitely consider myself one too but unless it was telling one of them that I had six months to live then I'd probably do it over the phone. Life is extremely busy.

Fuck her.

A really similar thing just happened to me. Absolutely fuck her. Selfish idiot.

You don't need folk like that in your life, sure she's had stuff on too but to play the victim to all and sundry when you've just had a bereavement is going to make her look a right bellend.

Sorry to hear about your situation but really-keep it away from social media. It only ever causes trouble.

Fuck her off. Some people are only interested if it's all about them. Very sad that she almost felt she was 'missing out' on your horrid time and is using it to garner sympathy from others.

I do agree with Loopy as well.

And yes...what Rosaries said as well. Maybe your expectations are a little high. A phone call would have sufficed.

Thank you for all your responses. It was a very close family member, don't want to say more than that. Wanted to tell friend F2F because of seriousness, but did end up telling her by phone because she was never free. Take the points re social media but those who looked after me (and sick now late relative) live a long way from here, so was a public acknowlegement of their support when I didn't have time to write personal letters. But reading your responses seems like I was wrong, helpful to get other perspectives, thank you all

'Seems like you have high expectations ' - maybe so, don't want to say too much about the situation because could be very outing, but then when your world is being turned upside down, not sure it's expecting too much. But can see from this thread that it's my perception not hers that is at fault. Thanks for your responses

Sorry...it may seem a callous response. I think many of us are just up to our neck in obligations already. Of course we would put the time aside to comfort a friend whose mum (say) had major health concerns...but a request to meet up to talk about it? I can't imagine any of my friends asking for that. Might just be me and my circle.

I think she's very rude for making it about her now, even if you were expecting too much from her at the start. You're grieving and can't be expected to make a complete list of everyone who has said or done something supportive for you. I think she'll come off worse by complaining to others though so I shouldn't dwell on it if I were you.

This is also going to come across as me being such a patronising twat so sorry in advance but I don't know how old you are but I find it's common for friendships to start to drift and the differences in people's lives can start to pull apart a former closeness at the start of our thirties.

Life can start windmilling shit at you in the 4th decade and it's astonishing how self centred people can be.

Sorry for your loss c

Some people cant see out their selfish self absorbed bubble your friend isn't as supportive as she thinks she is and really no kind friend would treat anybody like this, even when you are grieving it is still all about how they feel, they deserve none of your headspace . I am sorry for your loss

It's a really bad idea to use facebook to express your hurt (leaving her out of your thankyou post)
Stirring up trouble and a little passive aggresive perhaps

Spk to your genuine freinds via personal messaging or face to face .
You are just creating anxiety for yourself by being so public on fb where so.much can be misunderstood and misread

Ok thanks everyone . Am going to leave this thread there but just wanted to come back on a couple of things... the friend cannot have been hurt by not being thanked on FB because she did nothing to be thanked for. I find it strange that some of you think it's strange that after devastating news you wouldn't want to talk to a friend about it. Believe me this friend has had plenty of time on my sofa talking about all the dramas in her life

As said will leave it there now, appreciate all the advice and perspectives

My mil becomes a victim, in situations where she feels out of depth and can't manipulate people. I back of when this happens and also with any friends who behave that way. I would leave her too it. She is obviously not a true friend if she is going out on nights out, but not able to support you.