Dh says up to me to decide if we should separate?!

[Jessie1980]

We've been having problems mainly due to a huge difference in parenting styles. He is controlling, critical and emotionally absent but won't discuss my problem with this. As it happens, he won't ever discuss any issues, he's the type of guy that prefers to bury his head in the sand.

Anyway today there has been a few texts back and fore, he asked if I was thinking of leaving him and said we'd better put the house on the market if so. When I told I hoped not but the fact he won't discuss any matters doesn't make it easy to sort out and asked if he was going to have any input or was it just down to me to.decide. He comes back saying that if I want to separate then it wouldn't be fair on me for him to try and stop me....

What is your opinion on this response? He has no fight to save his marriage it seems.

We have two Dc 5 + 3 FYI

Thanks for any advice / opinions

Could there possibly be another woman, OP? It's as though he's letting you dump him rather than taking any initiative to either end it or make it work.

Sounds like he wants to split up but doesn’t want to take the step himself. Like a coward. This way he can say it was you who ended things.

Why would you need to sell the house?

He wants out but, hasn’t got a backbone

Everyone's different, but to be hones, I would find it difficult to respect or even like someone who seems so ... detached?

Do you want to stay with him?

@mybrilliantdisguise definately not another woman. I'm sure of that. I think he doesn't want to change his ways and would rather play the victim here.

@gamerchick we have a big mortgage and I wouldnt afford to stay myself. Dh works away 4 wks at a time and don't think he'd afford.it.really either. Yeah I'm thinking he just wants to be able to feel sorry for himself and tell.eveeyone I left.him.

@seeingadistance yes very detached and this has been the problem, he has been so detached from Dc since they were born, only starting to improve after I was close to leaving 6 months ago. He improved a bit but things slipped again and now that I'm saying I'm not happy with his attitude towards Dc rather than talk about it, he goes quiet with me and makes more of an effort with Dc! And now this...

Yes I agree with others - he wants to play the victim (even though he wants out). If he works away for 4 weeks at a time I wouldn't be so sure there isn't someone at least on the horizon or a cosy nest he is hoping is waiting for him (maybe he wants to relive his youth with a mate). It would suit him for the house to be sold and split/ He is probably trying to get agreement to that before you go to a solicitor as he knows you may be awarded the right to live there while the DC are at school. So he could be waiting a long time on "his share".

Get some legal advice (it will be worth the money) from a specialist divorce lawyer and don't agree to any finance or asset split in the meantime. He sounds very passive aggressive.

@wormalonian

I wouldn't be able.to afford.our mortgage payments, Dc are 3 and 5 and I work part time, we have a huge mortgage!

He works on a boat, I don't think there is someone else, his DM had an affair when he was a teen and he still holds a grudge about it so wouldn't think he'd do the same. I do think he is very unwilling to change and wants to make out it was all me. When I've challenged him he has just said he isn't getting into an argument over it.

So here I am, shaking, feeling awful at the thought of breaking up my Dc family unit.

When your head is a bit more straight perhaps you should look at the turn2us site to see what extra tax credits, council tax discount you might get if you split. Also take a look at the CMS site and calculator.
www.cmoptions.org/en/calculator/
www.turn2us.org.uk/

Finding out your likely financial situation may help you feel more in control.

I'm sorry that your mortgage is so large.

So sorry op but sounds like he honestly couldn't give a shit but is too much of a coward to do anthing about it (mine was the same). You are worth more than that so cry and howl, then dust yourself off and see a solicitor. His loss

Thanks guys, I have spent so much time trying to figure him out, and still haven't! I've just read up on passive aggressiveness and that it often stems from having controlling parents, his dad seems controlling and very rigid in his thinking. Anyway I'm rambling now.

I did look to see what benefits id be entitled too, still wouldn't afford to stay in our house though unfortunately. I have arranged for relationship counselling which starts in two weeks, needless to say he would not consider going. So I am going myself to try and figure things out.

He doesnt want to fight for the marriage because he isn't bothered. Dont stay with someone that doesn't care.

Sounds to me like he has the hump and is waiting for you to run back to him. Sounds like he is testing you a bit to see if you really love him. PA completely.

If he is ignoring you and won't engage then he has control and he doesn't need to change his behaviour.

Same with the comments about leaving, he is forcing an ultimatum, if you back down and try to save the marriage then you are accepting his behaviour.

I suspect his need to remain in control and not be controlled (as he sees it) is stronger than his commitment to the marriage.

It's dysfunctional as he can't communicate honestly and openly.

Yes you're right. I'd sent him another message and its delivered but he hasn't read.it.

He.also asked.if he could phone to speak with the Dc tomorrow at bedtime. I asked could he not call.earlier in the day rather than at bedtime Ds 5 missing him.and is likely to get upset if he's just spoken to him before he goes.to bed and he replies.saying yes he should be able.to.if I give him a time. Makes me.wonder if he was intentionally phoning at bedtime to upset kids for.me to deal with it?? Or am.i just getting paranoid now!