Moody OH - always walking on eggshells

[EllensmumSue]

I've been married for 23 years and in the last 5 my relationship with my OH has had more ups and downs than a roller coaster.

His mother died and at that point he distanced himself considerably, wouldn't let me help with anything and then took to going out all the time, taking up a new hobby, going out drinking etc. I understood that it was grief probably but we started having lots of arguments and he was just so moody all the time. Then he'd be really nice, very Jekyll and Hyde.

I talked to a mutual male friend about his behaviour and then my husband found out and accused me of having an affair with him, which I didn't, I just needed someone to talk to and my female friends were getting exasperated by his coldness towards me so were just telling me to leave him. I hoped that by talking to a man i might get a different perspective and in hindsight it was a stupid thing to do.

But talking to my OH is nigh on impossible, he would just shout at me or storm off saying I was trying to cause a row.
After that he became very controlling me, tracking my movements on his phone, waiting for me after work to make sure I came home, if I got home a bit earlier he gave me the 3rd degree. He said he was finding it difficult to trust me after 'what I'd done'.

After a while things seemed to improve but every time he got drunk he'd start bringing things up again, reminding me of all my 'misdemeanours' and 'bad things' I've done during our marriage.
He did all of this in front of our daughter and they don't have the best relationship. He always talks over her and isn't interested in anything she is doing unless it's something that reflects on him. And so it has continued like this over the last couple of years.

In the last few months we have been to a few social occasions where he has got very drunk and then shouted at me and been extremely nasty and hateful towards me and it really starts to erode my confidence. I feel guilty and bad all the time like everything is my fault.
He did it again this weekend, we had friends for dinner and he was getting drunker and drunker until eventually he stormed off, i followed him upstairs and he told me to go away otherwise there would be a very nasty row. I had no idea what I had done wrong but his eyes were full of hatred. When I asked him about it yesterday he said he didn't want to talk about it and today he is very off with me, he used to kiss me hello/goodbye but I'm lucky these days if I get something resembling a kiss on the top of my head.

He just always seems so peed off with me, I know I'm less than perfect but I do try, I've always done everything for him, looked after him, pretty much raised our daughter on my own. She's 13 now and he's never even seen her swim :-(

I just need some advice on what others would say if they were in the same situation without things descending into an argument

Oh honey why are you with this person? What are the good things he is bringing into your and DDs life? I'm sure others will be along with better advice but you deserve better than this!

The accusation of having an affair sounds a wee bit like projection.

You don't have to hang around for any of this shit.

And you are with him at all now because?.

His behaviours towards you are abusive and are all about wanting and having complete power and control over you. This is not a relationship you should at all stay in; he will just grind you down to a mere shadow of your former self. Its not your fault he is like this; you did not make him that way. He has a problem with anger, your anger when you call him out on his unreasonable behaviours.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships; she also deserves to see an emotionally healthy role model and this patently is not it. Would you want her to be in a relationship like yours; no you would not.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 are well worth contacting.

I wonder if he's depressed and taking it out on you. I would try and get him in the direction of the doctors for anti depressants and / or counselling as a first shot. Often men are difficult to get to the doctors, I had issues with my DH and my doctor suggested I claim it was an appointment for me which he could help with. This got him there and anti depressants have really helped him though of course being male he was perfect and everything was my fault.

Other possibility is he is having an affair but given this started when his Mum died I would guess depression more likely.

Talking to another man is totally understandable, don't let him make you feel guilty for that. Hope it gets better.

AttilaTheMeerkat you are right about my DD, I don't think she'll ever trust anyone who drinks. Alcohol has always caused problems in this relationship since the day I met him.
It's always any excuse for 'drinks with the boys' and once he gets going he just can't stop. He has spent whole days on the sofa nursing hangovers but he never learns and if I do say anything he gets humpy with me. He has wasted so many opportunities to spend time with his DD being hungover.

Would you yourself call him an alcoholic?. Regardless of the level of his alcohol dependency this is not a relationship you really should be staying in. His primary relationship is with drink; its not you or your child. His abuse towards you and in turn your child who likely hears all of this is unacceptable. Alcohol is itself a depressant and he may well be self medicating with alcohol.

You cannot help him but you can and should certainly help your own self here. Getting this treatment of you documented would be a good start and talking to Al-anon may well be of some benefit to you as well.

Your DD is learning about relationships from you as well, do not leave her this as her lasting legacy.

So why are you with him, what are you getting out of this relationship?

BTW walking on eggshells is to my mind code for living in fear.

I don't know if alcoholic is the right term, he can go without a drink for a week or so, he's not drinking in the morning or anything like that. So for instance, on Saturday evening he went out with a friend and in the space of an hour they consumed 4 pints of cider each, came home, drank a further 6 pints of cider at which point he stormed off. it's almost like he goes through phases, if he's having stress at work it's worse, he 'needs a beer because he's had a bad day' or sometimes he'll just have a couple and it'll be fine. But when he's had a skinful he becomes very hard work, my DD has had to help me upstairs with him and get him into bed or we've had to leave him downstairs as he's too dead to the world to move.
And when he's drunk he always reverts to his repertoire of favourite sayings, opinions on the world etc, he often belittles friends because of the choices they have made about things. It can be downright embarrassing.
He's very controlling about money too, I recently came into some money and he keeps asking me if I've spent any of it. I've never had any of my own money, I don't really consider it 'my money' as far as I'm concerned it's for the family to enjoy. But I know he has a private stash of many thousands of pounds which he is keeping from us. He will use it if something disastrous happens, for instance the fence falling down, but most recently he bought himself a VW van without asking me if there was anything the household needed first.
You are all right, when i start writing these things down I am coming to realise how controlling he is.

What is the longest period of time he has gone without alcohol to your knowledge?. Alcoholics do not all sit on park benches by any means; some of them do act as your H does. I was wondering when your H is ever actually sober as he seems to be on a permanent come down from alcohol consumption.

Your poor DD having to move her drunkard dad as well; please do not subject her to her dad any longer than you absolutely have to. That is not how she should remember her childhood at all; she will remember helping her dad like that.

Controlling behaviours like he shows you and in turn your DD are abusive behaviours. Ultimately you really do need to get him out of your day to day lives; you will thank yourself for doing so.

The good thing about this situation is that if you left him, your daughter would be cheering you on.

Helping your dad upstairs because he's injured or ill is fine but helping him upstairs when he's drunk is absolutely horrible. She shouldn't have to do that.

Neither of you should be putting up with his behaviour. Why on earth do you stay? I would use that money you've got and get the hell out of there.

my DD has had to help me upstairs with him and get him into bed

I can't see why on earth you would live like this but this bit I quoted would be enough for me to get rid of him. He doesn't love you, he doesn't like you, he embarrasses you in front of your friends, he is a bore, he doesn't give a shit about you, he is an alcoholic (they don't all drink in the morning), he is a crap father and your daughter is now helping a drunk get to bed. Just why would you live like this?

I grew up with a father exactly like you describe your oh to be. They are classed as functioning alcoholics.

Please for the sake of your dd LEAVE HIM. my mum thought she could save him and stayed. For the longest time it destroyed our relationship. And even now at almost 40 I find it very hard to be around her. My parents are together still, I have an ok relationship with her and a fairly good relationship with him but it has taken over 20 years to get to that point. He no longer drinks which is the only reason he gets anywhere bear me or my own dd.

Your oh is abusive and an alcoholic. He needs to address that but it sounds like he isn't about to. So you need to out yourself and your dd out of harms way.

Please imagine if this was your dd telling you about her boyfriend, would you casually shrug it off as him being "humpy" or would you be begging her to leave?

Please don't minimise his drinking or the abuse. And stay safe!

The longest he’s gone without alcohol is probably a couple of weeks. My DD took him to task after his behaviour at the weekend but he just shrugs it off. I guess I’ve never thought of him as being an alcoholic but it does seem to cause many of our issues. It goes in cycles, he’s drunk and horrid for a period of time then we have a week or two where all is well then something will happen either at work or home and we are back to square one. I once said to him after a big row that all is ever wanted from him was to love me and I think it did hit a nerve with him but I can’t help thinking we might be kidding ourselves that things are going to be ok. I just need to be brave. It’s hard as my parents died when I was 17 so grief wise I do know what he’s going through but he plays the victim all the time but his behaviour makes it hard for me to sympathise but I have never used my parents deaths as an excuse for anything I’ve done that would be labelled by him as ‘wrong’

Please don't involve your DD in moving her drunk father. What are you teaching her.

It's time to leave him. I bet your DD will be so much happier and so will you.

At the very least a separation may get him to see the light and shape up.

in the space of an hour they consumed 4 pints of cider each, came home, drank a further 6 pints of cider at which point he stormed off

when he's had a skinful he becomes very hard work, my DD has had to help me upstairs with him and get him into bed or we've had to leave him downstairs as he's too dead to the world to move

If you won't look after yourself, OP, please look after your girl. That's no way for her to be living.

an out and out alcoholic.
divorce.

He's fucking terrible and your failing to protect you DD.
I don't feel sorry for you as much as I feel sorry for her. Your an adult, you made you decisions she's a child who should have protected from this but instead has had your decisions and his behaviour forced upon her.

Op I was you, moody heavy drinking long term partner (alcoholic in denial). Last few years things got worse, so much so I didn't feel comfortable breathing in my own home. Kids a bit younger (9 and 6 now), but they were starting to also do the same to not "upset" daddy. He raged at me for burning toast, dropping crumbs on the floor, forgetting to put tissue in the glove box of the car to name a few. He thought we were happy. When shit flies from his mouth, he forgets about it, we would pretend everything was ok and move on. But it wasn't ok, I started to modify my behavior, walked around on egg shells etc, had to wait when the right moment was to ask something. It was utterly miserable.

I left 8 months ago, been very very difficult, but I can breathe again. I can make my own autonomous decisions. I am still not completely free from his anger, but it has reduced to the point where we can have a meal together and be civil for the kids. It hasn't been easy. Most people were shocked, because he was always on his best behavior around others.

no-one should live and feel like they are dictated to by someone elses moods. People like that should live alone.