Has anyone ever gone NC with PIL?

[YokoReturns]

PILs are:

Daily Mail readers
Leave voters
Racists
Kick off at any perceived slight
Hate me because I don’t keep a show home or show enough awe/wonder at the wondrous ness of their DS (DH)
Childish
Small minded
Authoritarian
Ignore me when DH isn’t paying attention
Refuse to acknowledge anything I do

Should I just send DH to visit them with DS1 and not fucking bother with them ever again? (DS2 doesn’t know them so he can stay at home with me)

I don't think I'd bother. Would it upset your DH if you stopped seeing them?

Your DH is key in all this; how does he feel about his parents these days and on a wider level their treatment of you?. Has he actually noticed them ignoring you or does he say things like, "well you know what they are like".

If your DH wants to maintain a relationship with his parents that is up to him but I would not send either child there. It does the children no favours at all to see their grandparents disrespect you as their mother so openly and it will send them mixed messages. Also who knows what rubbish about you they will tell your eldest child in your DH's presence; he may not say anything in response or even be able to back you up here.

My Dad for all his many faults kept us as children well away from his mother's toxic second husband for not too dissimilar reasons (and the fact he snapped at us one time for no good reason). I thank him for doing that.

I would probably just drift away, no big statements or drama.

Do you trust DH to protect DS1 if they visit together? Because he doesn't seem to be doing much in the way of protecting you all as a family.

MIL says rubbish about me to DS1 in front of me!! ‘Oh you sound like your mother’ etc. Dunno if it’s worth mentioning, but I’ve got an Oxbridge degree and work 0.7 contract as a teacher, so I’m not some crackwhore I might as well be a crack whore

We barely see them as it is, which is why I’m umming and ahhhing.

DH spent the summer with them because he was suffering from anxiety/depression (long story but neither of us could be at home due to ongoing building work, plan was originally that I’d be at my parents with DCs and he’d just cope with the building mess, but he had a total breakdown about it and went to his mum’s).

I kind-of blame his parents for his anxiety (they are OCPD, hold everyone to their impossible standards) and they blame me because I don’t pay him enough attention and am a slattern (2DC under 5).

Urghhh you’re describing my ex ILs. Your OP gives me goose bumps. I went no contact with them. It lasted only about 4 months before they weaselled their way back in. I wasn’t married and had no DC so easier for me. It dawned on me eventually that ex shared their views, despite appearing not to initially. He was turning into his DF. I ran for the hills after 7 wasted years with him and them. In your situation it’s trickier but you have to preserve your own emotional health. You need to be there for your DC. Your DH can take them to see his parents but he has to be strong enough to walk away if they start about you as your relationship with your DC must not be undermined in any way. Your DH is the key here and his ability to stand up to them

The problem is, DH is in the FOG and can’t stand up to them. He once told his mum to ‘shhhh’ and she went MENTAL, histrionics, the lot. He’s a bit ‘they won’t change, they’ll die soon, we only have to see them occasionally’.

They did fuck all for him in terms of his MH over the summer, he came back in a terrible state. He’s been back a month and made amazing progress, is seeing a counsellor, back at work etc (no thanks to PILs, who don’t believe in counselling).

I'm currently no contact with MIL (FIL died long before I met DH).

She has a good swear at me, ostensibly, about the way I cook mince (the mince was the just the tip of my many domestic failings over the years) and then told DH that I was lying about it. DH knows I am telling the truth (history tells him who to trust) and has told her so in my hearing, but she won't admit it.

I've had enough now. If she rings I don't pick the phone up. DH goes to see her once a week out of duty, DD14 hasn't seen her since Christmas and doesn't want to.

... had a good swear...

I think I’ll just not bother. Perhaps DH can tell them I’m poorly and can’t make it every single time he visits. We probably see them 4 or five times a year max, and they’re totally uninterested in our lives. They bask in reflected glory like all good narcs, so they love DS1 because he’s an early reader (but they don’t agree with me sending him to anOT for sensory issues).

I've put a lot of distance between myself and PIL, and they are not as overtly disrespectful towards me as your PIL are - they are more your PA, triangulating, gas lighting, quietly bad mouthing, expect to be put on a pedestal, boundary violating type.

I didn't plan it but I just gradually made less and less effort with them. It was pretty easy as I now realise it was me who was pushing DH into having more contact with them than he wanted (he warned me about them and their ways when we met - I didn't really believe him as they seemed so nice...that mask has fallen now!).

I had more FOG than DH had and went to counselling in the end! Things are quietly low contact now for both of us but DH sees/speaks to them about twice as much as I do (he can handle it better for a start and will stand up to them).

I wouldn't bother with an excuse. Just don't go - you're busy!

Malcolm ‘they are more your PA, triangulating, gas lighting, quietly bad mouthing, expect to be put on a pedestal, boundary violating type’

Aha! I recognise your description. MIL says,’I’m still his mother!’ like it’s essential she pulls rank and maintains a mother-5-year-old relationship with him.

At DS2’s welcoming meal (which I didn’t want, because of them), she sat and coloured in a menu whilst everyone else chatted, like a sulky child. She can’t bring herself to even be civil to my parents.

I invited my DM to every Xmas so that when I also invited my PIL they would decline as they disapproved of my DM being divorced. It worked a treat for almost every Xmas.
Play to their weaknesses

sohelpme

Yes, but I think make sure you really are truly commited to it and it's in the best interest of your children (if you have them) rather than just because you don't like them. We have because SFIL (MIL's new ish partner, not my dh's dad) is a paedophile, yes, like an actual paedophile who has been to prison for sexually abusing a child in his family, and MIL supports him. She's delusional and doesn't see that we need to put strict boundaries in place even with her to keep our children safe from him. So we (the children and I) no longer see her or have any contact with her, though my dh occasionally speaks with her by phone a few times a year.

To be honest, it's awful and I would never wish having to do this on anyone. If there are other ways to go about it, where you just leave each other alone and only see each other at big family events, I would take that route. It's obviously different for us because we literally have to avoid them. It's too confusing for our daughter who is old enough to have once had a relationship with her to understand why she has fucked off out of her life. So we literally can't go to family weddings or birthdays or anything because they are there. It sucks. But if there is a way you can go a bit cold on them and ignore them, yes, by all means do it. I don't think you have to be close to people just because they're family. I don't talk to most of my own biological family (except my mum) and haven't in about 17 years and it's wonderful. But they never knew my children anyway so makes it a bit easier.