has anybody had problems from sister feeling pushed out when you have had a baby

[sexylady]

i have been experiencing a few problems with sister since the birth of dd over a year ago, she doesn't seem to accept that my life has changed with new responsibilities. we do see her & bil regularly.

she doesn't want to have children herself as she considers her husband to be a child.
just wondered if other people have experienced similar problems

What sort of problems?
Until you have children you cannot realise how much life changes and it could be a bit of thoughtlesness on her part. On the other hand something you said is interesting and makes me think.

She doesn't want to have children because.....
Erm sorry but if she has said that what a cow. She is talking about her husband ffs. If he is that much of a child why on earth is she maried to him. That was such a horrid thing for her to say.
Could it be that she does want children and is maybe a bit jealous of the fact you have a dd? The remark about her husband sounds bitter and nasty and like she is blaming him for her not having children. Could there be something else at work here. That he is maybe not ready to have a family and she is so in saying that she sees him as being childish and not grown up enough to have a baby.

I had a few problems with my sister when i first had dd.

But after a frank conversation with her it came out that she and her dh can not have children although they had alway said that they didn't want children.

It turned out that she had had a miscarriage about 8yrs ago but hadn't told anyone about it, and then found out she had cyst's on her ovaries and liver, and her dh also had problems.

Although she had thought that she had come to terms with not having children, when i did have dd a lot of thoughts and feelings had came to the front again, but once she had dealt with them she is now very good with dd.

I had those sorts of problems with single friends. They want you to be just the same but motherhood changes you. They all came around one they had their own babies.

sort of problems that have arisen are generally that she can't just call round when she wants and if she does i am frosty towards her, she says that she has noticed i have behavioured differently towards her since dd was born and suspects i maybe suffering from pnd and she thought she was being paranoid about it but after talking to my mother (who feels the same too) realised she isn't (incidently had to have a few quite words with mum regarding needing a bit of space as she was calling round/ringing all the time)
dh & i have responded to an email stating all this explaing that i now have responsiblities with dd & can't just drop things but trying to reasure her of my feelings for her and that we do want to see her & bil.

maybe she would like a family deep down like one of you have said. bil smokes wacky backy, i'm not sure if sister still does but maybe he's more content doing that, although my mum did say that bil had said that if my sister wanted to start a family he'd be happy about it, he'd be a stay at home dad.

it just feels that we can't be allowed to get on & be a family even though we include gps & sisters by seeing them regularly.

hopefully the email will sort things out, it is nice knowing i'm not alone.

Oh I can totally sympathise then this is my family and IL's rolled into one.

My MIL has a kind of open house thing pop in for a coffee anytime kind of thing but with 2 small children in the house I am more a pop in for a coffe if you have given me a weeks notice to clean the spill marks off the carpet and stuff. My parents are not so bad they do call but they will say something like we will be round tomorrow no idea when so I am stuck having no idea when they are coming. [sngry]

I have tried until I am blue in the face to explain to MIL that she may be happy with her open door policy but I am not, I have a young family and just because I am in the house does not mean it is convenient to have visitors. All you can do is try and talk to her and explain that you have your way of doing things at home and that you are not asking anything of her that you are not asking of everyone else. Or you could play the it disrupts dd's routine terribly so I need to plan for visitors.
It is so hard I know because family are so excited about children and as the parent you start feeling like public property. Really they are your family and should be supporting your choices not making you feel bad for not being there with tea and scones ust in case they pop in.

i just feel with my sister and pil i just don't want to be on my own with them because of the way they are. if i invite my sister round for coffee i always do it at the weekend so dh can be there aswell, she works full time so it hasn't really been a problem before but over the past few months she has been taking the occasional day of during the week. in the email i sent back to her i mentioned it might be nice for them to call over for lunch soon,hopefully safety in no's may apply!

my mum has recentlty retired so it is easy to arrange a day to call over & see her now.

Some people find they learn to be more organised after having kids and others find they need to relax a bit and not try to maintain the pre-baby levels. It's always a learning curve and being observed and commented on just isn't helpful is it?
Were you quite scatty/spur-of-the-moment before?
I also found I stood up for myself more once I got pg, ie disagreeing things I would have let slide before. My mum was quite shocked at me answering back and having opinions on my own family as I'd always avoided confrontation. She now blames it on hormones and tells people I have awful PMT (utter lies!)!
You've obviously embraced the new you but keep the doors open, don't be frosty, they obviously need more time to get used to it.

yes, i think i have learnt to be more organised since having dd & dh has too, i was probably a bit spur of the moment with things before also i have only been with my husband 3yrs prior to that i was single for about 6yrs so spent a fair ammonut of time with my family as i didn't have many friends really only work colleagues. Now though since having dd i have made a few friends going to toddler groups and have supportive neighbours, i do enjoy my new life as a mum.

i'll try not to be frosty when i see her again and if it's with dh & bil aswell the situation will be a bit diffused. i suppose like you say she just needs a bit more time to get used to things.

i think i have been more assertive since having dd too, i suppose it easy for others to say it is our hormones/pmt when they wind us up with their comments! although i have found with my parents & pil it really does pay to bite your tongue over some things