Is anyone else always way down the pecking order for gifts from family?

[lostpurplehoodie]

I think this is going to make me sound super fucking ungrateful but I can't work out whether it's normal or not.

For my birthday, for the third year running (and 5th year out of 6) I have received nothing from my parents. My sisters in that time have received clothing, an iPad, smellies etc. I have an awkward relationship with my parents as I'm coming to terms with their continued emotional abuse of us but I am friendly and I acknowledge their birthdays and send gifts (which don't get acknowledged).

My sister has sent me something, not particularly thoughtful, with the price attached that cost a fiver. Her wish list on amazon (and her children's wish lists) have items with a starting point of £20, which I will be encouraged to buy from.

I suspect I'm being unreasonable and grabby but I'm here feeling so fucking unloved and an afterthought on my birthday. Again. Is it normal to feel like this? I'm a grown woman! I feel like a little girl who is being told she doesn't count again, just like when we were small. But if I were to do the same all hell would break loose.

Send your sibling and her Dc's a fiver in a card. Your parents get a card only.
They are takers and you are so low down the list of their priorities. Save the money you would have spent on them throughout the year and buy yourself something nice on your birthday

That is terrible! Send your sister something very similar to what she sent you, on account of the fact she clearly thinks that's a good present.

Completely ignore her wish lists.

As for your parents... I've no idea what to do with someone who buys one child an iPad and gives the other child nothing. I certainly wouldn't be giving them a present and would rather avoid the whole bloody lot of them at Christmas.

Sorry you have a dysfunctional family and were and continue to be treated badly.

Agree with PPs: just send a card to your parents and sibling, unless you’re seeing them to celebrate in which case get a token bottle, chocs or flowers. For DNieces/nephews perhaps just a small amount of money in a card.

You do count. And you deserve to be treated so much better than this.

I know it would be difficult, but I'd suggest you buy little, token gifts for your family, and use what you save to get yourself a real treat.

My experience of this is nowhere near as bad as yours, though I am sure I am not the favourite daughter - that is my younger sister. I still remember, with a pang of pain how my 18th birthday present (touted as the BIG birthday) was a clock radio that cost about £20, whilst, for her 18th, my sister got a musical instrument that cost about £250.

I am 100% sure my mum loves dsis best, and always has. When I was at university, I was a pretty good singer, and did solos with the university philharmonic orchestra and choir - and my mum never once came to hear me. Dad came - and all she'd have had to do was get in the car with him, but no.

Or there was the time when I was a teenager. We had a very old and temperamental immersion heater, so we had to share bathwater - dsis and I shared, then later dad and mum shared. Dsis and mum always went first, and got the hot, clean water. Dad and I went second, and got the cooler, grubby water.

Initially I accepted this, because dsis went to bed earlier than me, so the payback for having the second bath was staying up later. But when we were both teenagers, we had the same bedtime - so I went to mum and asked if dsis and I could take turns at having first bath (we only had two baths a week) - that way I'd get to have the hot water once, and dsis would have to do the clearing up at the end of the bath - rinsing it out, hanging up the bath mat - nothing terribly onerous. But my mum refused point blank. She said there was nothing wrong with the slightly used bath water.

Dsis is still the golden child. And I am 52, and it still hurts.

God no, you're not being grabby! Sounds like you've been conditioned to not expect much/think you don't deserve it. What you've described would sound ridiculous to any normal loving parent but you say your parents were emotionally abusive and clearly still are. So, ignore Amazon lists - small token gifts only, detatch and ignore any tantrums. They are not nice people with your best interests at heart.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and yours appears to be one of scapegoat. They have made you responsible for all their inherent ills.

Gifts can and are used by such people to further obligate their chosen victim; this is certainly what your sister has done here. Its another means of exerting power and control. Besides which what your sister has sent you is unwanted which is just as bad - give it therefore to a charity shop and do not give it any more power.

You need to raise your boundaries higher with regards to your emotionally abusive parents by ceasing the gift sending to all of them. Quite apart from shouting at you (to preempt this I would block all their means of communicating with you) what can they realistically do to make you comply?. I would certainly also reduce all further contact with your parents and your sister down to a level approaching zero if not that.

DO read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages as well as reading the resources at the start of that thread.

So like my family.

They genuinely don't see it. They genuinely, hand on heart, believe I'm not worth much. They think I agree - I must do, it's so obvious I'm a waste of space. They are seriously affronted if I dare challenge the status quo.

I'm NC op. Best all round.

That's awful .I fully understand how you feel my father (parents divorced) has not sent me a birthday card or gift or acknowledgement of my birthday since I was 14 ,36 now my sister on th either hand has been bought brand new cars and designer watches ( he gives big gifts in front of large audiences so people think he's a great father,but we including my sister know him as the man who said he had cancer and needed my mum to sell the house and give him all the money so he could have pioneering treatment in New Zealand .He did not have cancer and when I called him out on it years later (hearing it from his mouth when I was 8 ) he said oh well we can't all be perfect when I said oh how's the cancer ? .This when Called out said he had been sending me cards every year ( I said funny that you don't know my current address ) and these cards had cheques in them ( funny they has never been cashed !.It used to upset me I now just think it's best having no contact with the liar and he has the problem compulsive liar that is best not being in my life .And breath sorry for the ramble ! I would send a charity donation of £5.00 to your sister to a chosen charity and send her a card with a cute words on how the charity has benefited

You are the scapegoat. Free yourself and stop hurting. Plenty of us on stately homes thread. It's not you it's them. They will justify as you not asking or needing anything. And you will go along with that becsuse you are conditioned to think you don't matter. But it still hurts. Give up on them and watch your life blossom as you fill ithe with people to whom you do matter.