I have lived my partner for 9 years and we have a 7 year old son together. I am quite confused about my relationship at the moment and am hoping for some advice.
I am currently considering leaving and have actually had an offer accepted on a property I plan to purchase.
A little background on my relationship. My partner is a good man (I think). He does not cheat, drink ect. But I have felt very empty and alone for the last 6 years if I’m honest. It started about 6 months after our son was born. He has never been an attentive man… he has his hobbies and likes to do his own thing (which is fine with me) but sometimes it does fill up most of a weekend.
He started to put me down – In a very controlled manner. He is a very intelligent man. I have heard comments such as ‘it’s not my fault you failed in life, our son would be better off with him if we were to separate as he can offer him so much more (financially). He would ask me questions which he knew I would not know the answer to and then add ‘don’t you even know that’.
As a result of this I was aware I was losing so much self-confidence and felt very unwanted and unloved. We have never married as he did not want to. His reason for this was the financial side (he didn’t want to entitle me to anything financially). He didn’t openly admit this but I knew this was the reason. We have never really had much of an intimate life together (apart from the 1st year or so of our relationship). For the last 2 years there has been nothing at all. We just live very separate, amicable lives together. We don’t really argue but he never touches me, kisses me, hugs me or tells me he loves me.
I do realize it could be so much worse but do sometimes long to be held, loved, made to feel special. The insults did stop a few years ago… I think I just toughened up to them and they lost their effect but the emptiness continued.
We live very separate lives financially. I work full time and also have a little part-time business so am very busy. Over the last few years I have saved money (either for our future together (to buy a house together as I currently live in his house) or for my life on my own – whichever I decided).
I have now enabled myself to be in a position to purchase my own house and have found a little house (which is perfect for me) and have started the proceedings of purchase.
Before putting in the offer I approached my partner and said I would like to talk. I asked him how he felt about the relationship between us. He was quite arrogant with his response. He said it has been difficult (he usually blames me for his actions – ie it my fault we have no intimacy because of the way I go on) and he said should we split up then hen he would be on his own for a while but would eventually like to meet somebody else. When I asked him did he love me I got his usual repose of …. What is love?? Describe love?? I cried but told him I could no longer carry on this way. He went to the pub!! The week later we carried on like nothing had happened – pleasant, polite but distant with no mention of our conversation. We have lived this way for the last 6 years!
I told my partner my plans a week later and that I had purchased a house. At first he was quite gobsmacked (I don’t think he really thought I was capable) and now of course he wants me to stay. He has said he has been very arrogant towards me, took me for granted and now realises how much he wants me.
He hasn’t showered me with gifts and has still carried on with his hobbies (he has never missed a golf game!) but I do see he is hurting.
I am confused. One minute I think…. No I’m leaving… the next I feel… should I try to make this work. I do still love him (I think) but I just feel all the chipping away at me over the years has left me half the person I once was.