So lonely

[HappyGoFucky]

Hi all

I don’t know what I want - a bit of a rant I suppose. I’m just so lonely and I don’t know how to change it / get the confidence to change.

But of backstory - I have been with my husband for nine years. We have a severely disabled daughter and a three year old. I’m completely NC with my family (for good reason) and because I’m unable to work due to caring for my daughter I have no friends either. My husband is literally the only adult I see for often weeks on end.

I have bipolar disorder and although stable I have caused a lot of financial difficulties in the past so everything goes in and out of my husbands bank account. I don’t have any independent finances.

My day to day life around looking after my daughter includes washing, cleaning, cooking and that’s about it. Every day.

I just feel so lost. I’m 34 this year and I feel like my life is over. My husband on the rare occasions we are alone (babysitting is a rare commodity as SIL is constantly at MIL with her kids) pretty much ignores me on his phone and has no conversation with me. Although what the fuck I would talk about I don’t know - I’m not actually full of news lol He isn’t horrible but he’s very dismissive of me and gets annoyed by things. For example last night he went in the huff with me because I yawned when he was telling me something

I went to bed last night and I just felt so lonely, defeated and trapped. I have no money, nobody to turn to and no life.

Where do I start

By engaging more with your husband to start with. You need to instigate the conversation if you want one.

You then need to get him to watch the children while you take up some hobbies that will broaden your horizons and perhaps make your conversation a bit more interesting. You need to try to build a friendship group which granted isn't easy but it will help no end.

That's a very sad OP. I'm maybe not the best person to give advice but I wanted not to ignore. I think you must create some independence somehow. Time, energy and at least some money for yourself. This inevitably would be easier with the help of your husband but you need to be steely and determined to get it. It's serious. You sound lovely and articulate and have lots to enjoy and contribute outside of your immediate family. You will do so.

Sod your husband. You need to get some interests of your own. What do you enjoy? Do you like being outdoors? Could you take your daughter outdoors, or swimming? Being active will help you to feel better and you may meet people along the way too, try and have one conversation a day with anyone other than your husband x

Thanks for the responses.

I know I do need to find myself some kind of life outside of the house I just genuinely don’t know how. I’m so isolated I have nobody to help me with the kids. Husband works a lot so isn’t available to help much. I’m also painfully shy and socially awkward! I’m diagnosed with bipolar but mental health team currently querying autism which my eldest also has.

I do try to initiate conversation with my husband he’s just pretty uninterested. He hasn’t always been that way. I guess he’s bored with me or at least that’s how it feels. He’s very dismissive or ‘too busy’ which if he was like that with everyone would be okay but he will bend over backwards for family, work colleagues etc just not me. It’s a lonely existence and my kids are all I have that make me feel worth something.

I do try to talk to my husband about how unhappy I am but he just gets annoyed. When we met I was quite unwell and although my bipolar has been well controlled for a lot of years he always dismisses anything I say as being down to a ‘mood swing’ so I feel almost like I can’t own my own emotions. I don’t feel heard at all

It seems the person you are sharing you life with is really not being the support he should be, in fact he is doing the opposite.
I am not sure how well off you are financially but it should be a high priority on the list that you get some free time, to study, go out, relax, whatever. This needs to be at the top of the budget, your family budget, not HIS money.

I forgot to say, that actually he should be taking care of your kids while you have time to do what you want, but right or wrongly I am assuming he is not up to taking his responsibility as a parent...

Sorry to hear about your situation. Have your thought about joining some local groups for your disabled child to engage in socialising with other children. This will not only allow her to interact with kids but also allow you to meet other parents, you will already have some common ground so hopefully it will not feel so awkward. For now think one day at a time.