Feeling a bit used..

[BlueHawaii]

Keen to have some different perspectives on this as I might just be a bit too sensitive?!

Got a friend who I thought was close to me. Met and bonded during our 2nd mat leaves, would do lots of stuff together and with our families, normal stuff.
Both work in the same field, at least until I stopped working at the beginning of the year. Since then she's slightly dropped off the radar, doesn't have as much time as before, only ever texts the eve before her day off and never asks us over to hers, it's always "easier" to come to mine. She lets her kids run riot at mine, never offers to help tidy up/contribute to the food for the kids, etc or say thanks. Honestly can't remember the last time we had a play date at hers. Last time we saw them as a family was at ours for a big lunch, that has not been reciprocated yet. That was over 6 months ago.
Is it ridiculous of me to be annoyed and to feel slightly used by her?

All they took is what you gave!

Your intuition is talking to you now, telling you they took advantage.
Friendship is a two way street. Chalk it up to experience and be busy from now on.

Is she possibly overwhelmed/tired? Her house may be a complete tip that’s why you’ve not had an invite? At least she’s still seeing you, do you think shes’changed’ in herself?

No she's not different-just more distant I guess. She's made a comment when I resigned about how she wouldn't have anything in common with me as I was going from working mum to SAHM but I thought it was a joke. It feels like I'm not "cool" enough for her now I'm not in our industry. The only time I hear is basically the eve before her day off and she always says it's just easier to come to mine. If I text any other time and suggest days out/park trips/lunch she just doesn't reply! Maybe it has just run its course and all we had in common were similar career paths and childcare situation?

Could she be envious of your sahm status? I know a number of working mothers who dream of being able to give up work.

Plus, yes, you no longer have your industry as a common point of interest.

Texting the day before her day off seems like a non issue to me, that's maybe the first time she has to stop and think about what she'd like to do.

Always meeting at your house is probably because hers is a tip. That's been the case with everyone I've ever known who puts off visitors. Maybe she doesn't want to spend her day off tidying up for you. Maybe she thinks you've got plenty of time now to tidy up.

Fair point about the texting last minute due to being busy. The tidying up thing though-when we did used to get invited for play dates at hers I would always tidy up after ourselves-even when I was working full time. It's just the level of respect towards her i would expect back.

blue tidying up after your visit isn’t the issue. Because she works, she probably doesn’t have time to tidy up to (what she perceives) a certain standard to receive visitors. I think she sounds a little envious of your situation, her saying you won’t have anything in common kind of marries up with that statement.

You could actually have a heart to heart or you can just take it for what it is, it’s hard being let down when you thought you were ‘good’ mates x

She's taking the piss op.

I would always tidy up after my kids when visiting anyone regardless of working full time or not! Basic manners.

It irks me that because I'm a SAHM the expectation is that I have all the time to tidy up...I would tidy up after my kids anywhere, it takes 5 mins. Hopefully it's not that she just assumes that's now my job 😕. I think I just feel a bit hurt overall and maybe I just need to man up and tell her how I'm feeling outright. I love her and we have had far too many good times for me to fall out, but I am not sure of the outcome...fearful of confrontation!! Thanks all

I didn't mean that she thought your kids would make a mess at her house.

I meant that she might not have time to tidy her own house before your visit.

She may feel that your house is always tidy, and always ready to receive visitors.

I have a friend like this. I don't mind, and take it as a compliment.

And she's right isn't she op? You do have more time to tidy up.

Yes I do have more time to tidy up, not disputing that at all. But that doesn't mean it should always fall to me. I have friends who earn much more than I did and I would t have expected them to always foot the bill when we went out of you see what I mean.

Have you thought about just bluntly asking 'why don't you want us at your house any more?'. Just to put the cat amongst the pigeons. The way you are feeling what have you got to lose? Maybe she just thinks you are happy with the arrangement too?

Next time just reply to "it's just easier to come to mine"

"I'm sure it's easier for you but after half a year of hosting, it really is your turn."

Come to yours I mean

Agree she’s taken the piss.

Her comment when you stopped work was rude and suggests, for her, you working in the same field was perhaps part of your appeal. And/or that she doesn’t respect your time now you’re not WoH. Not OK!

I would say it’s become inconvenient for you to meet at your place every time and suggest you come to her or meet up somewhere. If she declines or ignores and then “ghosts” you, she was no longer your friend really.

Good advice thank you! X

blue apologies..I started the whole ‘tidying up’ thing and it seems to have spiralled

Whether you have time to tidy up or not is not the issue here, I was just suggesting that may be a reason she doesn’t want you at hers.

Quite frankly I can’t bear housework, therefore I mostly meet at others as they would think I’m a lazy slattern

That's ok Dinner! It wasn't supposed robbed about the tidying up, more the taken for granted aspect overall! Fair points from all - thanks x

to be, not robbed obviously 😀

I think she's taking the michael and I would personally decline play dates with one days notice.