Got to be on my best behaviour

[amz123]

So I'm with this guy and have been for four years. I love him so much...........sometimes I think too much! We broke up in June as I found he was messaging a girl in America. I wanted him back (silly maybe) I read through the messages and even phones the girl. Not bad in the messages but just that he lied to me and made me believe him when he reassured me.

But now we are back together it's like I have to behave a certain way or he says things are going back to how they were and the. Of course I worry that he will do it again.

I had to change the following otherwise he wouldn't come back-
-let him smoke weed at home or when ever he likes.

• not message him in the day as he doesn't have time to respond
• don't be shitty if he is home late which he is home late three eves a week as he sees his daughter but some nights he doesn't get back until 11pm. Has to travel 1 1/2 hours.
• don't be so hot on his phone, even tho he was messaging another girl I'm meant to trust him again.
• let his dad say when ever really. His dad is a difficult man and come to say every couple of months. And he has been rude to me by accusing me of cheating when I was at work all day. But yet I was in the wrong for having a go at him.

Im worried that I won't be able to trust him again and I bring this girl up most of the time if we argue. He broke my heart as I really trusted everything he told me.
Even now the though of what he did. Makes me so up set and brings me to tears.

I wish I didn't love him as he can be a right arsehole. I don't know why i can't just walk away.

Really hope you are digesting the advice you asked for.
Take it from me that men who give you conditions will never love you unconditionally. He WILL cheat on you again because you are basically subliminally telling him he can. He WILL use you up financially and emotionally. You WILL regret letting him do this.

You know what the answer is or you wouldn't be seeking validation for what you know you need to do from people on here.

You're young, you will recover.
Don't leave it until you have kids with him and it's too late to ever really be rid of him. Trust me there is nothing worse than sitting awake at night wondering if he will ever get his lousy hands on your precious children.

Please, reclaim your life and protect your child. Leave him.

He is a horrible selfish entitled man child who is treating you like shit.

When he smokes weed in your home is your child there? He is putting her at risk from passive smoking.

I know it seems impossible now but a few months after he’s gone you will look back and wonder how you allowed someone to make you try and be other than you are.

There is nothing good about this relationship. He will hurt you again and again until you have nothing left.

You're so desperate that you let this cocklodging bastard smoke drugs around your child if he wants to?

Your priorities are fucked. Be a mother and protect your child.

Don't be such a fucking doormat and come out with that "but I LOVE him" shit. You can't love someone who treats you like shit. Get some self respect, stop behaving like an idiot, kick this cocklodging waste of space out of your life, do not let him back into it under any circumstances and look at some therapy or counselling as to why you would accept this behaviour as acceptable.

He's got you exactly where he wants you. But hey. You love him.

Your poor child.

Why you won’t walk away has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. Low self-esteem and low standards. You need to know that you deserve better.

You’re exposing your child to drugs and a drug user who asked permission to treat you like shit and you agreed?

Are you joking?

Look at everything you've written. If this was a friend telling you about a guy wouldn't you want her to get the hell away?

It happens to most people at some point, being in love with someone who is bad for them, it's never easy to get away but once you do and you give yourself time to get over things and can look back objectively you realise you are so much better off.

Love? Love is caring for each other, being there through good and bad, taking into account how the other feels, enjoying life together, working as a team, making each other happy, trust and security etc etc.

What you describe is not love or happiness. It is a dependence on someone and a fear they’ll leave you. Honestly, being on your own is better than being treated the way you are. What are you so afraid of? Please don’t value your worth by whether you’re in a relationship or not.

Imagine you knew someone who described your relationship. What advice would you give them?

Please do not let your son grow up thinking that this is how people treat each other.

Where is your self respect? What message are you giving your DD here?

Walk away and find someone you deserve.

The problem isn't that you love him, it's that you don't love yourself.

Put yourself first, not him. You've earned it, he hasn't.

You are better off without him and short-term heartbroken, than with him and defeated. You'll get over him if you end the relationship, but if you stay with him, things will get worse.

Also.

He does not love you.

He will never love you.

He doesn't even like you.

He uses you.

He is abusive.

He is a bully.

He must be kept away from your child.

It's tough. You love him, okay.

But. Imagine how you are going to feel in a couple of years (it might not take that long), when he comes home and says 'that's it, we're done, I can't stand your behaviour any longer.' Because he's going to. It's coming. He's just waiting to find someone who earns more than you do, and he'll be gone. He doesn't love you. He might pretend to, but he doesn't. If he did, he wouldn't even THINK about messaging other girls and making you act in certain ways to keep him. He'd be on his knees trying to keep YOU.

Pre-empt the misery you are certainly going to feel, take charge. You'll feel horrible, worse than horrible, but you will have set the agenda. You're going to feel bad anyway, why not take control?

And if he told you to jump off a cliff, you would do it, yes??

This isn't love. It's infatuation and he's the one in control. You will realise that one day when you're out of it

You don't love him. You love a half remembered idealised version of him before you learnt that he was an utter arsehole. He doesn't give a shit about you, however. You are merely convenient to him, except for the 95% of the time when you are an inconvenience and he wants you to get back in your box.

Have some self respect and ditch the rat. He's a selfish, doped up loser. Surely you don't want to spend the rest of your life being abused and walked all over by him and not daring to breathe in the wrong direction lest you incur his wrath.

What @PickAChew said!! A million times

WTF get rid and find some self esteem you dont HAVE to do anything

What do you think you love about him? What does he add to your life? Balance that against his rules, the walking on eggshells, the financial cost. Please dig deep and get rid of him. You can do it, but you're stopping yourself. Don't waste anymore of your time and emotion on him!

I have to wonder, if some of these posts are made up, to get a reaction out of people?

Because I'm wracking my brain, to understand how anyone could put up with this behaviour?

You've been asked now by several posters, what you love about him? You can't come up with anything?

Does he look like a Chippendale and have a 12 inch cock?

You really have two choices here. You either carry on as you are, and accept that this is your life : living with a man-child who smokes weed, leeches off you financially, cheats on you and treats you like shit.

Or, you break free now, and find a man who is a real man, who will treat you like a Queen.

Just imagine another 25 years of his loser. He's of no use now, and when he's older, with a drug induced mushed brain, you'll end up running around and caring for him, you can change his inconti-pads, and spoon feed him.....all the while watching all of your friends with loving husbands going on cruises in their twilight years, whilst you're stuck at home with this cabbage.

Why waste your time? He is no prize but sounds like a petulant child!

Love is a excuse that you use to cover up the fact that you have very little respect for yourself, he’s obviously spotted this and will take the proverbial until you do, or he gets bored. Only you can find out why you’re this particular arsehole’s apologist and if you’re finding it difficult in working it out, get professional support.

You getting back together is a classic example of a lack of boundaries inviting a lack of respect.

Well, he sounds a catch

What is there exactly to love?!? He is really really horrid to you, he takes your money, he smokes drugs, he doesn't work (you didn't state that but I'm pretty sure he doesn't as he sounds like a drop out based on his behaviour, I bet I'm right aren't I??) and is just sounds like a massive loser. Just one of these negatives would have been enough to make me leave him. He has no honour taking money from you then buying drugs. He is using you!

Bizarre that you'd attach yourself to him and want to be associated with a man like that especially when you're so young and could find a decent bloke. It's like he has pulled the wool over your eyes so you can't see him for who he really is ... A drop out loser. He is 37. He will never change.