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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Worried about friends and family's reaction to pregnancy

12 replies

turniponitshead · 02/10/2017 22:52

I am around 6 weeks pregnant with DC2. DH and I are v happy about it and it was planned. 6 months ago however, DH and I were going through a very rocky patch following the bereavement of a parent. We looked at separation and went to marriage counselling, which did not work for us. Things eventually clicked into place when we stopped trying so hard and relaxed a little with each other; also after I'd received individual bereavement counselling. We got through it ourselves and I never ever thought that we would. There are still small things to iron out, but I would say that 80% of the time we're a happy, well functioning couple.
However, at my lowest ebb, 6 months ago, I confided in family and friends that I was going to leave DH, things had been rough sInce the bereavement 3 months beforehand . They were supportive on the whole and on board with my reasons etc. I never expected that suddenly things may become harmonious again between us.
Anyway, we knew we would eventually want another DC and had planned to start trying next year when we'd had more time for each other. However, some unrelated tests revealed some endometrial tissue and fibroids in/around my womb. Doctors said this would impact on my fertility the longer we left things.
so here I am now, happily pregnant. But I am dreading telling friends and family who are bound to wonder what on earth I'm doing getting pregnant when 6 months ago, I was leaving DH! I'm wary that people may not be as happy for us as I'd like them to be. To add, DH is a good man, our rough times were literally the product of a lot of grief and upheaval at the time.

OP posts:
turniponitshead · 02/10/2017 22:54

I think I'm just looking for some reassurance.

OP posts:
PinkHeart5913 · 02/10/2017 22:56

I think it’s understandable that they might be worried that you have gone from wanting to leave to having another baby, I’m sure if your child/close relative was in that situation you’d feel the same but hopefully they will just wish you wish as that’s the polite thing to do

PinkHeart5913 · 02/10/2017 22:56
  • wish you WELL
Standingcat · 03/10/2017 08:51

Don't tell anyone yet? Wait until 12 week scan and use the time to continue strengthening your relationship? People close may guess your news? Be happy when presenting your news and people should be happy for you

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 03/10/2017 09:06

Why not explain to them what you have explained to us. That it might seem strange given where you were at six months ago but actually you have come through what was a difficult patch and your relationship is strengthened as a result.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 03/10/2017 09:31

I wouldn't even acknowledge the fact you had a rough patch. If I were you, I would continue to be happy with my husband and present the news with the happiness you feel. I'd wait a little while yet anyway to be honest.

ChicRock · 03/10/2017 09:35

I'd congratulate you but honestly, i would be incredibly concerned that in 6 months you've gone from "I'm leaving" to "I'm pregnant".

Unfortunately you have no control over the fact that people won't be as happy for you as you'd like them to be.

SquintySquirrel · 03/10/2017 12:13

I think you're over estimating other people's interest in your life - and I don't mean that horribly - most relationships go through difficult times and it's not for anyone else to judge how you come through those times and at what pace etc. I am sure your friends and family will be delighted for you and yes, some may have a concern that it's perhaps a little soon after your marriage strife but I doubt that will detract from the joy at a new baby.

Trust me - there are people expecting children in much more precarious circumstances than yours.

Life is short. You do you. Only you and DH know your relationship. Do t worry about other people and what they think - it's really not important and no one knows what is around the corner for any of us. I have friends who have very up and down marriages (probably not any more problematic than other people's but they are just more open and honest about difficulties they face) and I have friends in 'perfect' marriages that don't know about their DH's affairs or separate seemingly out of the blue and take everyone by surprise.

Life is too short to worry - be excited and live your life for you. Congratulations btw, a new baby is wonderful news Flowers

turniponitshead · 03/10/2017 15:42

Thanks so much for the support here. I feel so much better already.
I think my worries are based on a few questions I'm expecting from a specific couple of "friends" such as
"so you and DH are ok now then?" Nosy stuff like that.
I'd like to respond with "yes, you know we are and aside from x and y following the bereavement which you know we sorted out months ago we are actually very happy and were beforehand. Much happier than you and your husband who you shout and scream at each and everyday yet proclaim your devotion and happiness to on social media day in, day out."
sorry. Just needed to get this out. I just know to expect questions from a couple of friends in much less happier marriages than my own and it fills me with annoyance. I guess I've just been more open about our troubles.

OP posts:
SquintySquirrel · 03/10/2017 19:26

You might get those responses but try and take it as a question borne purely for their love and support of you and not anything judgemental and catty (even if the latter is more realistic!)

If you and DH are happy then that's all you need know and don't feel the need to make any big statements to anyone to justify how you are living your life.

People who are smug or judge others aren't worth worrying over. My parents had three children and my mother says she was very happy at that time but by the time their youngest was almost 3yo, she had decided to leave and divorce. Point being we never know what's ahead of us. If you and DH are happy and you are both committed parents to your existing child then it's hardly a situation worthy of any comment/judgement or criticism from those close friends and family who know you both.

RedForFilth · 03/10/2017 21:36

Hmm I was with you until your second post. You put "friends" but they were good enough for you to confide in at the time? And some of the things you wrote come across imo as a little nasty.

That said, I was with ds's dad for a short amount of time before I got pregnant. I chose to tell family by saying "I have some wonderful news to tell you. We're having a baby and we couldn't be happier!" Everyone was thrilled. Yes they were probably concerned as well but the I presented it in such a positive way that no one said anything! Good luck with the baby and marriage.

MamaLeen · 04/10/2017 00:02

True friends and family may have reservations but they just don't want you to be hurt. The concern comes from a good place.

The nosey people all you need to say is you are both in a new place with a fresh start. You don't owe anyone a full dept explanation.
You have exciting times ahead and that's the most important thing.
Congratulations to you all and best wishes 💖💖

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