Feeling annoyed with everyone (Am I being petty?)

[lifesteeth]

Most school holidays my friend is constantly texting and phoning me wanting to arrange to do stuff, last week however her husband was off work so I didnt hear a thing from her all week, when I took her birthday card down she made it obvious I wasnt welcome there on that day, her daughter even said something about "I'll finish what I was doing when they've gone" .

But she expects me to phone her tomorow, as soon as he husband is back at work to arrange something...I feel like I'm expected to wait around until she's ready for company...I did say I would phone her but I'm feeling quite angry about it all, next week I have quite alot on and I'm not sure I want to arrange something with her just because her husband is back at work...please tell me if I'm being childish?

I know people like spending time with their husbands but to completely ignore me for a week and then expect me to be all pally again when he's not around? My mum is the same, she used to arrange to go into town with me on a saturday and then phone on a saturday morning saying "would you mind if we didnt meet today as george is off work..."

Nah that isn't nice, is it.
I can see where you are coming from. You are not a substitute for when her hubby is at work. Nor are you to be forgotten when he is around.

If I were you I think I would be too busy to see her this week, but only if that suits you.

I think I will be too busy anyway, I want to take the kids swimming one day, see my grandparents which is a 2 day event since they live seperately and I told my mum we could take the kids to the cinema one day. She can't expect me to be sat home on my own for a week without even a phonecall or text and then suddently be available this week for when she's bored.

ooh i have a friend who does this all the time, we plan something then she will text and say "xx is off work for a week, we will have to make it next week when he's away". sometimes i only arrange to meet her in the park for a quick half hour but she still refuses if he's at home.

I dunno, I think it's fair enough that your friend would want to spend the whole time her DH is off work with him. I certainly do when my DH is off work during the shorter school holidays (he's a teacher). And the children would probably want to spend all their time with their dad, rather than with a friend of the family that they see a lot at other times?

I'm not being funny, and I can understand why you are feeling upset and left out. But I think different people have different expectations of their relationships, including friendships, and you have to respect that.

So I don't think you should arrange something with your friend for next week if you are genuinely busy and don't feel like seeing her, but if it's just to spite her...well, I wouldn't risk a goof friendship over this.

I bet she would be upset if she knew you felt this way - could you talk to her about it in a couple of weeks when your feelings are not so high?

nut

Doh! Good friendship (not goof!)

I can understand her wanting to spend the week with her husband but other times she's texting or phoning...last week nothing and it seems like she expects me to drop everything as soon as she's not busy. I still don't think there was any need to be so off with me when I took her birthday card down either and I'm still a bit upset and the way her and her DD (16) kept smirking at each other everytime I said something

If you are feeling genuinely hurt by other actions (the smirking) then I think you ahould talk to her about it that is a seperate issue altogether.
I can totally understand how you feel but I can also understand your friend wanting family ONLY time when her dh is off work. DP and I don't tend to do it that way but I have friends that do and can totally understand them doing that, they can see me any day all day if they want to but their husbands work all day and they miss out on the oppertunity to do things during the day so take the chance to do it while their h is at home.
I don't necessarily think that y not texting or calling you she is being rude either. Some people do have different expectations I know someone who is just not a text or phone to see how you are person she only calls with a purpose, yes it is frustrating but it is just her and she is like that with everyone not just me.

I think she just wants to enjoy some undisturbed family time and although I can understand your feelings I do think you are over-reacting somewhat. This is the way she chooses to run her family and it may be different from your way so you either have to accept it or talk to her about how you feel. She is not going to know it is a problem unless you tell her.

And I can also see the flip side of the daughter saying that the way you feel about this if she had continued doing what she stopped til after you left you could just have been on here posting about how rude it was to continue what they were doing while you were there.

I feel that she is out of order. It seems to me that it's not the fact she wanted to spend time with her family that bothers you, but that she just drops you and picks you up at will, and expects you to be ready for her when she wants you, as if she is the more important person in your relationship. If she's constantly texting you when she wants you, and expects you to make time for her, she ought to give the same back, or at least be consistent in her behaviour towards you.

But it is true that people have different expectations of friendship. Some people think it should be a two-way appricaition of one another, with mutual support and sharing of fun. Other people just use people to fill their own needs as and when they require. I get the feeling you belong to the first group, and she to the second?

In any case, talk to her as has been suggested. But if you don't think she will understand, don't waste your time. Don't call her until you want her company, and do as she does to you, if you are comfy with that. And if she texts you but you are busy, tell her you are busy. If you feel she doesn't value you, don't throw yourself away on her friendship - give you energy to someone who will value it instead.

There was no need for her to be so rude to you, and involve her daughter in that, too.

But maybe Tinky she is not intending to do that, the OP may have in a way let herself be put in that postion maybe not deliberately but through circumstance by being avaliable when her friend calls. I don;t think her friend is doing it on purpose she may not realise it is an issue.

I think you are totally wrong in your 2 perceptions of friendship. I think friendship is a two way sharing of support etc but I also have a partner and family and if I want to spend time with them alone without any outside friends then I should be able to wothout my friends getting annoyed about it. I am sure that is the OP had needed her friend in an emergency or whatever her friend would be there but to say she is out of order for wanting to spend the holidays and her birthday with her own family is daft.

It is only assumed that she expcets the OP to make time for her but the OP appears to be doing that thus the situaiton continues.

Hi adath,

I agree that you should be able to spend time with your partner and family without feeling you've pissed your friend off. But you should tell your friend that you want this without being rude to her and humiliating her with your daughter, especially if she has brought a birthday gift round for you in generosity.

And this same person shouldn't expect her friend to be always available to her and (I got the feeling - may be wrong) put pressure of the friend to be drop everything if she wants to spend time with the friend all of a sudden.

Yes, perhaps lifesteeth has put herself in this situation. Do you think so, lifesteeth?

I'm not sure really, I'm quite an unsociable person at the best of times so when she started to instigate the friendship originally I had to really force myself to be sociable so that I didn't appear rude, I quite often made excuses etc as to why I couldnt meet up but that was over a year ago, as we saw more of each other I made much more of an effort however I'm still not the kind of person that phones and texts all the time...she's normally the one that instigates everything.

I suppose it seems quite hypocritical now but what gets me is that during the week she will text me and ask me to pick her daughter up from school if she's going to be late back, will phone me right on tea time whilst I'm having my tea and then will rush off as soon as her husband gets in when my tea has then gone cold but I never say anything as I don't like to upset people etc...

When my partner was here she came around knowing he was here and I didnt brush her off or act off with her and I only see my partner once a fortnight! I still invited her in, made tea for us etc...

Then last week her husband is off work so she doesnt want to know, no texts or phonecalls...not even a welcome when I took a card around (she had another friend there and introduced me as her daughters friends mum!), she spent the 10 minutes or so I was there getting visbily wound up by my kids, sneering, looking away quicky everytime I said something as if she was about to burst out laughing and smirking with her eldest daughter.

She's like this all the time though, for instance her daughter was moaning that my son never plays with her so she got on at me about it, begrudgingly I told him to include her in his games when he plays with his mates on the way back from school which he did and she thanked me...the next few nights her daughter walked home with one of her friends and left my son to walk on his own but nothing was said...its the same kind of thing "when I need a bit of company I'll let you know" so to speak...

sounds like 2-way is not something she thinks about.

I think the rude remarks and smirking are bad but a totally different issue altogehter.
She does sound a bit caustic but not for choosing to spend her husbands time off with him but because she just does not sound particularly nice at all.

I think you said it yourself you never said anything because you don't like to upset people so maybe a bit of it is allowing yourself to be put in this postition.
Do you particularly eant to be friends with her? IF not just don't go out of your way to make contact, if she calls and you have plans tell her that and if you are free there is no harm in a coffee but just don't put yourself out for her.

On the other hand (sorry re-readig you last post) is that she is the one that appears to be doing a lot of the running as you have saud you are not really one for texting and phoning sothat situation is very similar in the reverse.