When does it get better?

[acarnamedwanda]

I'm not even sure if relationships the right board for this but I'll give it a shot.

Last year I walked out of a 12 year abusive marriage in which there was physical and emotional abuse. I married when I was 20 in what I thought was a whirlwind romance to a guy I met overseas.

We moved back to the UK and shortly after list my mum to cancer. I lost my dad when I was 16 and with no siblings, he was the only family I had. Three DCs lager, the eldest of which has cerebral palsy, I fell out of love with the man I met as he was going out most nights of the week, nor coming home until the early hours and leading a life very much of a single man.

He returned to his home country in April of this year, saying he needed to get his head straight. He was there u til July when he came and collected the DCs so they could spend the summer with him and his family. All parties were in agreement to this I must add.

He brought them back at the end of summer and returned three weeks ago back overseas, contacting them maybe once a week.

Whilst I thought I had this altogether and all going for me- starting uni, running my own online business, being a single independent woman- I couldn't have been so wrong.

My DD1 who is almost 9 has turned into a girl who uses violence towards her siblings, shouts and orders rather than talking and has also started to answer me back. 5 minutes had not passed from picking her up from school until she started and I have spent the past two hours in tears.

She has been referred for play therapy to see if she will open up about her emotions. I just feel completely drained and exhausted. I have a few close friends but they live at the other side of the city and with everyone's commitments, we don't often see each other as much anymore.

I feel physically and emotionally battered. The thing is, there's no solution to any of it. I have no idea when or if the ex is returning, nothing will bring my parents back and I've got to the point where I don't know what the point of anything is anymore.

I'm not even sure why I posted, but I needed to get something out

Firstly well done for taking the decision to leave the abusive asshole.

How was your dd before she went for the summer? Did she have a good time or is she angry with you for letting her go away do you think? It does sound like she and you would benefit from some counselling.

If her behaviour improved, do you think it's the key to some peace and order in your life?

I'm sorry you don't have much support. I'm a single mum so I understand the pressure that brings. Get in touch with gingerbread or a single parent organisation in your local area.

Thank you Jeaux90. I do think she is a big part of the problem if I'm being honest. I never really thought of it as her being angry for me letting them spend the summer away as whenever she phoned she was always so happy and talking about the friends she met.
She starts play therapy this week to see if she will open up about her emotions. I'm not sure if it's her hormones or the upheaval at home or maybe both. She has become very defiant and is 8 going on 18. I want her to be able to open up and talk to me but instead she just tells me that she's fine.

The ex went a week without contacting them and I was absolutely fuming. Last week I had to take all three DCs to look at high schools, which to me is an important time in any child's life and I felt sad for them that it was me on my own when many others were in family groups.

I think more than anything, I feel lonely. I'm lucky to have made a be nice group of friends at uni, but I'm older than them by 12 years and so they haven't really had the experiences I've had in life, and besides, I don't want to bore them off with my troubles!

By 9pm tonight J was showered and ready for bed. I should be making the most of my singledom with free reign over the TV and in fact the house, but I choose to go to bed so that the day ends quicker

Ok there are 3 issues here.

Firstly you just became a single parent, it takes time to adjust to that and feel comfortable on your own again. Believe me, being happy in your own company is the best gift you can give yourself and it will come with time. In the meantime try and be nice to yourself and spend time with lovely friends.

Secondly, if your ex is abusive then he could have been manipulating your dd and making her say those things, hopefully the play therapy will help but i would also just try and spend a lot of time giving her love. Encourage her, extra curricular stuff like dance and drama can help with confidence and expression.

Thirdly stop trying to force contact. It's not your responsibility. My dd's dad hasn't seen her in 5 years (she's 8) and she's fine. Learn not to depend on him or his plans