Affair - how to handle it

[MrsPepperpot79]

A few weeks ago I was wondering what to do when I discovered some banter-y/dodgy texts on DPs phone (I wasn't looking - our toddler found his phone and opened it up, it opened on the list of texts and the kissing emojis caught my eye - mainly because I don't send emojis!). I debated confronting but decided instead to play a longer game - I took her number, photographed the messages (he had obviously known her a while back, and they were re-initiating contact).

Last night I checked again. Her number is still not given a name on the phone. And the messages are now beyond possible jokes and into sexual territory (nothing too graphic, just "hi sexy beast", type comments and lots of kisses).

I am gutted, but puzzled. When my ExH had affairs he'd go nasty and dismissive of me. DP hasn't. He is being sweet, involving me in the business decisions (our DD - 2 - is his only child, he is a lot older than me, has given me power of attorney if needed later), lots of family outings (our DD and my two older DCs - 6 and 8). But he isn't physical with me at all. Not since I got pregnant in fact. I can give him a BJ etc, but he doesn't return the favour, doesn't initiate etc and to be honest I've kind of stopped as I felt very rejected - there were also comments re weight and pregnancy breath which hurt at the time. Now he won't even go to take my hand, just friendly cheek kisses when saying bye in the mornings.

I now don't know if he is just looking for sex, whether he is physically cheating or not, and not sure how to handle it. Do I confront him, keep digging, or just monitor and see if I can improve the relationship - which will be a hard conversation anyway.

Problem is, if I confront him I am potentially knackered financially. I moved in with him when I fell pregnant - gave up my long term council house etc. I reduced my work hours to look after DD. I now couldn't afford even council rent on my salary, I own nothing, my ExH doesn't pay maintenance for the kids at the moment (another post entirely!) etc etc. Oh, and I have no access to any of his finances/emails etc.

Does anyone have any advice?!

(Sorry for long post - didn't want to drip-feed!)

Sorry to hear this OP...you need to keep the snooping on sounds like it's the start of what could be an affair if it's just started...very dangerous territory he's going down. If you confront now he will deny, deny, deny and minimalise it all and you will never know. I would keep calm, act normal and watch... he will trip up. Please please dont look into the future as in you cant live without his financial support or if you are worried about this sneak off and get a free 30min slot with a solicitor to put your mind at rest

He won't come near you physically and has made nasty comments, those are enough reasons to leave, then you add the messages and it gets worse. I'm not a fan of the whole sitting and waiting thing, how can you be around someone who is behaving like this? I do agree about getting legal advice but is there somewhere you and your children can go, any family?

If you've no access to money.... and confront, he could just kick you out and go for custody of your DD.

But...with three children you would be eligible for some kind of housing...even temporary like a hostel.

You ready should have never giveg up your council house. They're like gold dust.

It seems the sexual connection had gone and thst just makes you like roomates.

Cheaters can be nice or nasty when having affairs...in fact one cheating husband told me his wife says he was far too happy and conclude is because he was cheating. She was right.

Roommates is about right - except I would still want more if it weren't for those messages. Gutted.
I think I might need to see a solicitor, to find out where I stand legally. He knows I was going to go to see one re wills so could probably go without arousing suspicion.

I'm so sorry Mrs

Are you married?

No, not married. Living together for 2 years, together for 5, got DD of 2 and my older children live with us.

Girl, what were you thinking when you gave up everything, all security, to move in with him with no legal protection. If you split now you'd be entitled to nothing - if you were married you'd be entitled to at least half his estate. As it is, you're left high and dry.

Go to CAB to get some advice but tbh you are in a very vulnerable position. Shelter is the place to go for advice about accommodation - they are the experts.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. It's not the end of the world but it's not great, either. You'll find a way - plenty of women in the history of time have found a way

I know I was daft (actually, f'ing stupid) to move in - all I can say is that we are/were engaged, I was 5 months pregnant and it seemed a good idea... Clearly not my best thought out idea.

I spoke to him this morning regarding the "roommates" situation. He grovelled, usual stuff about prioritising family over ourselves, will take more time for us, etc. I'd say he made all the right noises except he kept saying how good I was doing as a mum, and how he loved us all. Not "I love you" specifically. And then he asked if that was all. I said it was as I really couldn't face a 5.30am confrontation on a school morning (I even work at the kids' school so school morning for everyone). ANd then he asked if their wasn't anyone wanting to run off with me. ????!! Think he was projecting guilt there...

So we'll see tonight. If he has contacted her today to do anything other than tell her to back off I am going to go nuclear on his arse - after I have seen the lawyer. (I have been researching - apparently we have one "child of the relationship" and two "children of the family" - he has taken responsibility for all three therefore, and I could - if push came to shove - appeal to the courts to remain in the house until youngest is 18/stops full time education. Which would be ok in some ways, and rubbish in others (He owns a farm. We live in the farmhouse.)

I hate all this.

Well, you were engaged, which counts for a lot. Were/are you specifically planning the wedding? That would go some way re what you are reasonably expecting.

I've been howled at on here for saying this but I'd be very seriously tempted to go through with a wedding so me and the kids are safe. As i said, plenty of women in the history of time have had to make similar decisions in order to protect themselves (and bairns).

Get canny.

(I have been researching - apparently we have one "child of the relationship" and two "children of the family" - he has taken responsibility for all three therefore, and I could - if push came to shove - appeal to the courts to remain in the house until youngest is 18/stops full time education

Be careful what yours researching the internet isn't a reliable source. I don't think the information you have is correct as your not married regardless if you share a child together. This is why posters say your so vulnerable when your not married and not working or in part time work only. You will be entitled to housing benefit ctc cb and wtc if you were to leave with your dc. I would seek legal advice from a solictor

Also a judge can view the case that you haven't actually lived together for a long period (less than two years) so it would be extremely unlikely they would allow you to remain in his property until your youngest is 18 as it's his asset, it only becomes yours aswell as his if you bought together or if your married. I walked with DS with nothing in similar circumstances.

Also farms are tricky anyway, was it in his family before?
And your ex is responsible for contributing to his 2 children not your current dp.

I meant to say not just your current sp

He just rang me. At work. To ask me if there was anything else I wanted to talk about, if there was anyone else as "we don't need that sort of thing". Fucker. Absolute fucker. So cross right now. How DARE he try to turn this round!

He knows you're onto him!!

I won't pillory you, you know the precarious position you're in. I don't think it's helpful when other posters do it either. Not necessary.

If you think you can get him to marry you then do it - you have no rights to speak of otherwise. Just do it. Completely agree with sprinydaffs on this.

Apologies for pillorying you, OP. I can see how it happened, how easy it is to fall into that pit without fully realising the implications.

You didn't know you'd shacked up with a cunt eh

We're here for you. I don't know much but I know a bit.

He suspects! Put all effort into behaving normally until you have a plan

Don't let him know everything you know. Protect yourself and the kids

Hahahahaha Steve that made me laugh. No one is that foolish...

Now stop trying to spam us, and go have a lovely day.

He's got a guilty conscience. That's why he's asking questions and why he grovelled.

Keep your cards close to your chest untill you have a plan.

Sounds like he suspects you suspect OP.

For the short term, I’d keep my mouth shut and see how it plays out. Start getting paperwork and finances together.

(I was in your position. I kept my mouth shut for years. Got married. Got divorced. I think I always felt it was inevitable. Not recommending it, but life wasn’t awful - only my relationship. Yes, I had very little self-respect or self-esteem back then).