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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am soooo pissed off with dh I might stab him repeatedly in the night

45 replies

KathH · 08/04/2007 21:35

Dh works really crappy hours. This is the first weekend he's had off in ages. I work full time & have 2dds aged 14 & 10 & 2 ds aged 8 & 2. I do everything round the house - washing ironing, cooking sorting out the garden etc. I have quite a stressful job & am currently studying for exams - this is the second time, managed to pass my first lot just before Christmas. DH promised he'd help more round the house & with the kids. So far this weekend I've washed, ironed, mowed the grass etc. Dh went on the last to watch the football on Friday and was asleep by 8pm, Saturday he played golf all day. Today he's washed the car. He's now moaning at the kids because they're dissturbing a film he's watching. I could seriously kill him.

OP posts:
chilledmama · 08/04/2007 21:37

Isn't it amazing how pririties are just so different!!!!!!!

LoveMyGirls · 08/04/2007 21:38

I can understand you being pissed off as much as i can understand his want for a weekend off for the first time in ages. As you have done everything up to know and let him have some chill time i think he owes you a day off tomorrow, take yourself off out for the day and leave him with a list and the children.

Have a nice day.

Original poster
KathH · 08/04/2007 21:40

Thanks - at the moment he's "busy" watching the golf on TV. I do understand its his first weeken off ages & am trying to be understanding however if I try & explain that I never get a weekend off I get accused of nagging!

OP posts:
Original poster
KathH · 08/04/2007 21:42

It wouldnt be so bad if he was watching the golf quietly but he's giving a running commentary on it & gets really huffy as I'm not remotely interested!

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 08/04/2007 21:42

Don't nag don't moan just calmly tell him you are off out tomorrow and to expect you to be quite late. Then take yourself off and enjoy your day, go and visit people or go swimming or shopping or a coffee with your friends.

What would you most like to do with a whole day off?

ScoobyDooooo · 08/04/2007 21:43

Sorry but i don't agree, KatyH says she works full time, then she obviously works Full time at home all weekend every weekend & after she finishes work each day so why can't she have a weekend off too?

I agree i would also be peed off, i understand he works long hours but so do you by the sounds of things non stop, surly there has to be compromise, like someone suggested can you not have a day off tomorrow?

Original poster
KathH · 08/04/2007 21:44

Lovemygirls - its been so long - since before DS2 was born in October 04 - that I had a day off I dont think I'd know what to do!

OP posts:
chilledmama · 08/04/2007 21:46

Love my girls- you are so positive, how do you manage it???
Am also being coerced in golf this evening...every time theres an OOOHHH I just imagine its because they've hit someone in the head and it makes me smile

LoveMyGirls · 08/04/2007 21:46

How much did his golf day cost? I would take the equivalent and go shopping to start with then while you're out see if you see friends in the afternoon or visit family? or ask him to take the kids out and you have a day to sleep, have a long bath, watch a film in bed etc No cleaning allowed.

LazyLine · 08/04/2007 21:50

It's not a man thing, it's a your husband thing. I work at home and my husband works at work. On a Saturday I get a lie in, he takes DS swimming and out for a long walk in the afternoon and I get most of the day to myself. He does this because he likes spending time with DS and he does it for me.

This is not a super impressive thing to do, it is what a decent human being should do.

Your situation is different though, you do have 4 children. You know how hard it is to look after 4 at once but it probably comes as a shock to your husband. He should be wanting to help you though and at the very least, sharing the load so at the weekends you can look after the children TOGETHER. He is being a selfish nobbins and the longer you let him get away with it, the more he will do it. You shouldn't have to tell him what to do though, that's the sad thing.

Maybe you could plan each weekend out, giving activites for the children and time alone for you and your husband. He would be able to see what was expected of him and what time he would get to himself. Tell him it is non-negotiable. Be firm, not whiney.

custy · 08/04/2007 21:51

well then you can't sit back and be pissed off at your dh - for having better things to do with his time than housework - if you dont.

i hope the 14, 10 & 8 year olds do chores.

the only thing that would piss me off is MY time off work etce etc for emergency illnesses - as presumably your dh cannpt be a Point of Contact.

get some fun, and get your dh - his own washing basket. tell him where the iron is, tell him where the washing machine is.

whilst your at it - tell the same to your 14 & 10 year olds

tell the 8 year old how to use the washing machine.

its not rocket science.

dont revel in your own martyrdom. and think to yourself - when your rocking away in that chair in the old folks home aged 89, what will you look back on?

LoveMyGirls · 08/04/2007 21:54

Me? Positive? I think its only fair, I am lucky i have a brilliant dp and supportive family.

Most weekend's dp takes the kids over to his mums for a day I clean the house then have a couple of hours to chill out.

This weekend he worked on friday at 2pm my mum took the kids out and i went to my friends for an afternoon bbq when dp finished he joined me then we met my mum at a big park for an hour then went back to her house for dinner i bathed dd2 (18mths) and put both kids straight to bed when we got back we have both taken it in turns to get up in the mornings and do things round the house as well as feeding/ caring for the kids. We have both had some chill time but yet busy at the same time. Tomorrow we plan for me to get a lie in then will spend the morning having leisurely baths and breakfast, bit of washing, tidying until dd2 goes to bed at 12pm then he is going to his brothers but will be back by 2 when dd2 gets up then he might take the kids to the park while i finished the cleaning and cook dinner then 1 of us will bath dd2 and relax. I think it's a fair way to share everything, we both work hard and we both need a break if theres stuff to be done we do it together then its done in half the time and we can both sit down sooner.

jalopy · 08/04/2007 21:55

Agree. Your problem is you. The more you take on, the more he sits back and enjoys.

Original poster
KathH · 08/04/2007 21:56

I think part of the problem is that I've always been a "coper" and have just got on with it which probably hasnt helped me in the long run. From tomorrow kathh will be firm but not whiney!

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HoppyDaddy · 08/04/2007 21:57

Jalopy, I wouldn't put it quite like that. The problem is HIM. The solution is YOU.

bozza · 08/04/2007 22:06

Seen as this is a two sided thing - you have both had a hard time lately, I agree with lovemygirls. Tell him you are off for a few hours tomorrow. Maybe not all day but 3-4 hours should do it.

Original poster
KathH · 08/04/2007 22:12

Have just told dh that I might meet my bf tomorrow for a coffee & shopping. Dh said well, thats fine if you dont want to spend anytime with us.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 08/04/2007 22:13

Oh, no, no, no, he doesn't pull the guilt trip card.

What he meant was "Fuck, fuck, fuck, she can't go out and leave me with the kids, I might have to get off my arse! I know...guilt trip her..."

bozza · 08/04/2007 22:16

Agree that is a classic guilt trip. You are not going to fall for it, are you?

October · 08/04/2007 22:16

Message withdrawn

Original poster
KathH · 08/04/2007 22:17

Ha huinkermunker I've stood my ground though & said if you'd checked you'd realise I have spent the last 3 days with the kids whereas you've spent, let me see, oh I know, none!

OP posts:
custy · 08/04/2007 22:17

agree guilt trip - tell him to fuck off and die....quickly becuase his whining will get on your nerves

chilledmama · 08/04/2007 22:37

Ah Cutsy - My sister uses that phrase (well v similar)'F**k off and die quietlt in a corner' to be exact. Makes me smile everytime a hear it!!

hunkermunker · 08/04/2007 22:38

Good on you, Kath - enjoy your day tomorrow!

tribpot · 08/04/2007 22:50

Quality passive-aggressive move by your dh, glad you are standing firm and not buying into the guilt trip. Remember no-one can make you feel guilty unless you allow them to!