In laws again

[user1485778793]

I've posted about problems with my in-laws before, especially my mil....nasty comments when pregnant will very Ill baby, taking baby out of incubator without permission when he was on minimal handling then lying about it.

Since my baby died my anger towards my in-laws for their selfish behaviour has increased. I haven't seen them for a month since the funeral and have no desire to be around them as all they do is howl and sob about their loss. They were incredibly selfish during an awful time and I just can't let it go.

Am I in the wrong? My husband has spoken to them and says they are in complete disbelief as to why I don't want to be around them. They seem to think that it's ok to sweep it all under the carpet and pretend they did nothing. They can't understand how nasty they have been especially mil who told me I was making her ill and my unborn babys condition worse. I can't forgive the level of selfish self entitled behaviour they have dished out.

My husband is fine with me not having anything to do with them and i have no problem with him being fine with them. But is this really feasable? Anyone else have nothing to do with their in-laws.

My mil has a reputation for being exceptionally bossy and they are all emotionally unstable. We are going to a funeral next week and I know they will be there, she will want to speak to me, to kiss and hug me (arm breaking hugs) and will want to sit with us. but I can't bear them.

Any advice on what to do?

I totally agree that you should not ever exchange another word with them, for your own health and wellbeing.

Would you (and your DM) consider blocking MIL on your phones? You won't even know she is messaging you, it will remove a layer of stress iyswim

I'm so, so sorry about your darling boy. I remember your previous posts

Please please take this in the way that it is meant: don't you DARE feel bad in any way, shape or form for wanting nothing to do with this vile snake in the grass. This woman cares not one jot for your feelings, she merely wishes to be "seen" to do the "right" thing whilst doing everything she can to get what she wants.

Reading your posts actually feels like being punched in the stomach (I've also got monumentally selfish ILs although they don't even scratch the surface of yours). I just cannot imagine the extent of what you're going through

And I agree with Red - you and your DM need to block the bitch

I removed myself from a WhatsApp group we were both in and she hit the roof.

I've blocked from texting but they still come through, my phone just doesn't beep. I never answer her texts so she texts my mum or dh. My mum can't stand her but remains polite.

I think she wants to be seen as a victim.... 'look how supportive I am towards my dil and look how she relays me'

I could go for the ultimate way of getting rid of her.......deleting from facebook

Block all contact

And tell your mum to stop being polite and to block her as well

Yep or you could unfriend her and she may never know

She would defiantly find out very quickly, she's like a stalker. I've been abroad for a week, I'd been home less than 10 minutes and shed text me, a nice message but she was still on me and it was about 6am, bit strange I think. She must have been watching flight times or asking dh (who was at home in bed)lol

user do it. In my experience that’s the one thing which will bring things home to someone like that before.

I’m nd with mil. Dh isn’t. Our circumstances are nonwhere near as heartbreakingly sad as yours. I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through but send kind thoughts.

My mil is a bully. She’s overbearing. Likes to have her own way. Likes to play the victim. I was “brainwashed” for a while then saw the light and started standing up for myself. She didn’t like this. She moved home (to nz) a few years ago. Dh and I went to visit for Christmas (the rest of his family are there). She treated me appallingly. Ignored the fact I was there, constantly leaving me out etc. Dh didn’t see it initially. On Christmas Day (the first Christmas I’d ever spent away from my family) she told me, in front of a few people (but not dh) that she didn’t “think of me as family anymore” and then proceeded to get drunk and go on about how I wasn’t good enough for dh.

I got very upset. Dh didn’t see or hear any of her ranting. No one else told him. I lost it with her. And was made to look like the bad guy. I hate to fly but almost booked myself a flight home early.

We now don’t speak. Dh went out there in march on his own (I was pregnant and couldn’t face the stress of the flight or seeing her) and saw her behaviour first hand. He can’t go nc but did give her a talking to. He stood up for me and has continued to do so.

Our baby arrived last week and she now wants to be best friends. I’m not interested unless I get an apology. Which won’t happen. I don’t Skype. I don’t send Christmas cards or gifts. Dh does that (and forgets most of the time - but it’s my fault “wifework” innit....) she will come to visit in June. She will not be staying with us. Dh has said that. She will not be around ds on her own. Dh has promised. I will not let her play “Disneyland grandma” and act as though everything is ok.

She blocked me from Facebook. And got incredibly irate that I didn’t beg her to re-friend me. I just blocked her. So now she sees nothing. No pics of ds. No snippets of our lives. Nothing.

You need time to get yourself into a better place OP. I'm saddened by the lengths you m-il will go to to assuage her grief. Me thinks she's bat-shit. She's transferring her guilt at what I understand from you OP to have contributed to you babies death in some way! Please forgive me I've misunderstood. She's a coward, & she's obfuscating the dynamics because she's frightened you'll emerge from your grief & see her for who/what she really is.

May I suggest the Gray Rock suggestions to help you manage your dysfunctional in-laws. They seem to get some perverse sort of kicks from getting a reaction from you. Take her power over you away from her.

I think yes, block her on everything.

What you have been through is so life-changing. Why pretend? You're clear with what you want, and for what it's worth I think you're right. What she has done would be beyond forgiveness for almost anyone, I think. Look into the future - do you see yourself ever really wanting her around you? Around your family, whatever that might look like in the future? If you want to be happy and know that won't happen with her niggling away at your life, then go nuclear. You really do have nothing to lose.

'Yes I've blocked you. I want no more contact with you, ever. I will never forgive you for the things you did and said when X was ill. Kid yourself all you like but you behaved appallingly, and you hurt him. You picked him up when you knew he shouldn't be touched and we all know what happened next. Your tears and screams are for yourself as you are nothing but SELFISH. I don't give a crap what you say or do and DH's choices regarding contact are his own to make, but I won't be speaking to you again, I don't want you in my home or my life. Stay away or I will be a lot louder and more forceful in letting people know exactly why I don't speak to you any more. Leave me alone.'

Oh OP I’m so terribly sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy
I remember your previous threads, I’m not surprised you can’t forgive and I honestly don’t think it would be healthy of you to forgive such appalling behaviour, she will never change and it would be better for you if you were to go NC. You should never have to be around such a disgusting woman who has made the loss of your baby all about her. I understand it could be difficult if your DH is not going NC but I would rather take that road than have to be in her company.

Thanks for all the replies, it's given me much more strength to deal with her.

We haven't got any other children but do plan on trying again at some point, however neither of us are young so it may take a while if it does happen.

We had already decided on the level of contact they will get with any future children not just because of recent events with our baby but how they are with their other grand children. Screaming at them, forcefeeding, ignoring parents etc

I went to funeral. Deliberately arrived late, sat in the balcony and avoided the mil.

I'm glad I went because a personal message was read out for me, dh and our baby.

It was a really nice service. We didn't see the in-laws until we were at the burial, they were wailing louder than ever, louder than anyone. I felt sorry for them both and gave them a hug. Mil was howling and screaming at me. Eventually dh peeled her off me after she had made some comments about me rejecting the family. The wake was really awkward because she kept watching me, I was polite but made no conversation.

No dh keeps quoting likes from the godfather and joking his family think they are the mafia..... so pleased he can laugh about it.

As we left his dad came running after us asking dh what he wanted for his tea on Sunday..... wtf! He looked gutted when he said he wouldn't be going

I'm so glad that the funeral went as well as it could. Well done for getting through it, you did really well to remain polite.

Try to put it out of your mind. She doesn't deserve to live in your head rent free.

A woman who ignored the health of a baby in critical care attached to life saving medication picks a baby up out of an incubator knowing full well she wasn't supposed to and did it purely for herself...baby then had cardiac arrest because that medication wasn't entering his vein properly because of damaged cannula....it being knocked

OP, I would not be able to even look at her ever again after this supreme act of selfishness, let alone maintain any kind of contact. How could she do that to her grandchild?
I am so very sorry for your loss of your darling baby.

She did for the same reasons she stood over dhs cousins grave wailing louder than anyone else........ attention seeking and selfish.

What gets me is a few minutes later she is fine, when there's a crowd she's in bits. Hmmmm

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby

You were so brave to attend the funeral; I would not have been able to go if I was in your shoes. Well done for going and maintaining quiet dignity.

You need to think about how to proceed with your in-laws from this point forward. I would be blocking them from all social media, changing my phone number if necessary. I would also tell your mother to do the same so that she doesn't have to put up with any attempts by MIL to get to you via her. I'm sure that your mum isn't exactly thrilled about your MILs behaviour.

If you DH decides to maintain low key contact, then that is down to him and should not require any involvement from you whatsoever. She needs to cease to exist to you for you in order to move forward. In other words, no contact whatsoever. Christmas & family gatherings I would avoid totally if your MIL is going to be in attendance. It is quite okay for your DP to represent you both if he feels like he should be involved.

Perhaps, as time goes by, you may be able to reinstate some limited contact. But now, as you are fragile, hurt & grieving, is not the time to feel obliged to meet others perceived emotional "needs". She has behaved appallingly, it is hard to believe that someone could behave so selfishly and with such little sensitivity.

And one more thing, remember it does not matter if MIL is hurt and offended by any actions to distance yourself from her. You are not responsible for how she chooses to react, whether with quiet introspection & apology (highly unlikely) or childish tantrums. It doesn't matter whether she is happy or not. It's not down to you to make her happy or not. Your responsibility is only to yourself; doing whatever it takes to move on from such a terrible loss.

Well done OP for being brave & handling the situation with class. They sound horrendous & I could never forgive their actions towards your baby or you

Oh OP, i cannot even start to understand how you must feel, and can only admire your courage in attending the funeral. I am so terribly sorry for your loss - the worst imaginable. The thing about bullies like this is that they thrive on being fed. Ignore them, starve them of ammunition to attack you, and hostilities will soon cease. Cut all contact - they have to learn that there are consequences for their choices. Sending lots of positive and warm thoughts.

So brave, OP. I am glad that you are glad you went to the funeral.
You sound so strong. (((hugs)))