Sad & Rejected

[Das19]

My wife and I are both in our mid 40’s with 2 children and live a fairly normal life. My wife shows hardly any affection towards me, which has been the case since we met over 15 years ago and I think this is just how it is.

However, our sex life is now none existent and has stopped literally overnight. It’s always been on average once a month if I’m lucky so never a huge amount going on but has always been good and pleasurable. When I make any attempt in this department I now get the cold shoulder and I am at the point where I completely give up at any attempt for fear of rejection or becoming a pest.

I feel so sad & down, rejected and frustrated by this and its eating away at me making me miserable to everyone else. It’s not the sexual satisfaction but the feeling of closeness and knowing that you are wanted that matters to me and its difficult without this physical and intimate contact. A nice random hug or cheeky pinch every now and then will do!

I love my wife and children very much. I work hard, give everything and have little time for myself where she manages to do most things she wants and though not intentional comes across as rather selfish. I can cope with this but without feeling wanted I only have the love for them.

We don’t really talk about our sex life and I fear if I ask I will hear something that I don’t want to hear, this could then be irreversible and ruin everything so do I just accept this as being the way it is and learn to live with the way things are and work hard at not being a miserable git once in a while?

Thank you.

We don’t really talk about our sex life

There's your problem! I know it's difficult and you're worried it will lead to uncomfortable truths but it reall is the only way to being resolving things between you. There might be something going on with her, some stress or worry, that you are completely unaware of, and she would surely appreciate your efforts in understanding her feelings.

Back right off physically, to reduce the immediate pressure, but please do make some time to have that scary, honest conversation, and be kind and empathic when you talk to her. 'I feel like this when we aren't close' rather than 'your behaviour makes me feel etc'.

I suggest counselling as a safe space to get to the truth. She may not fancy you physically and that's very difficult to admit in a day to day kind of way. If that is the case it may be that you have to think about the future. X and I separated for the same reasons, in essence. Difficult yes, but we can now get that intimacy with new partners. Intimacy of this type is a big piece of the marriage puzzle. If it can't be coloured in it does literally leave a gap that's difficult to live with - for both of you. Good luck. It's hard.

It shouldn't be like this. You are still in your prime. On the other hand you knew very well what you were buying into with her.

Would she be willing to talk about this? I'm guessing not if she has never shown you much affection. How did you manage to get to the point of getting married in the first place with this lack of emotional intimacy?

My personal advice. Device what you want out of your life. There is a good book (don't be put off by the title) ' no more Mr nice guy'. It's not about becoming a bad boy. It is just that sometimes you have to take an objective look at yourself as a man. Concentrating more on you and not doing everything for everyone else, at your own expense. Also with reading is the 'mindful attraction plan' by Athol Kay. How to make yourself do and feel better. You can become more attractive with a few, possible, changes to your life. A final read is ' men are from Mars, women are from Venus'. Once again getting into her mind and your own. Buying flowers as a man is a simple thing, for example, but I did not realise the effect it would have. I don't understand it, but she still gets emotional about it. Good luck. Get up, be a man. One that she is attracted to. Oh, and, as others have said open the lines of communication. Talk, but more importantly as a man, learn to listen. Just my opinion, but it turned my stale marriage around and brought a whole new level of intimacy.

Decide... That is..

Sex starts in the head with many women, and if life becomes full of kids, jobs, housework , then being honest for many, it sometimes can start to feel like anothet chore . In my case the menopause too totally wiped out any desire that way too. Personally I found I was better that way away from home!!

Thank you for the advice and comments which I take on board.

It won't get any better. A sexless relationship must be so miserable.

Good advice from certificate, understanding her is a big part of the battle. When my husband is more attentive (helps around the house, says he loves me, gives me a cuddle, listens to me about a problem...) I feel much more eager to sleep with him than when I'm knackered and I feel under appreciated. we also when to relate and had some sessions on communication which really helped our sex life.
In those sessions I was taught 'men need to have sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to have sex'. Once my DH and I grasped this it improved things no end! Sex life back on track now
I guess I'm saying all is not lost, communication and understanding can go along way.