Am I right to be pissed off with DPs reaction?

[nutellaforever]

Hi,

Been with DP for 5 years. She works, I'm a SAHM to my 10 year old and have an on going battle with depression and anxiety. I'm looking at getting back into work ASAP, as overall, I'm feeling in a better place and my confidence has grown quite a bit over the past year or so.

Anyway, I feel the need to explain why I'm out of work, because...well, I'm embarrassed. My dp is a high earner and is very successful, so financially, I don't need to work, but that doesn't stop me wanting to.

Over the past few months, I've noticed that with DPs success, has come a fair bit of superiority. Generally speaking, she is a lovely, kind and thoughtful person, so part of me feels bad for saying all this...

As I said, I'm a SAHM and I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing etc and I don't have a problem with that, as that seems fair to me A few months a go, we got a puppy, who is (as they tend to be) a bit of a handful. Anyway my DD didn't ask for her, although did want one. We have a cat too, which she didn't ask for, but wanted. A couple of weeks a go, DD asks me if we can have a rabbit. My initial reaction was no, because I worry that with an outdoor pet, the novelty might wear off more quickly and therefore it could end up being cruel, ie, not enough attention etc. She mentioned it again and I still said I didn't think so, which she then said "I've never asked for anything", which is true and I felt a stab of guilt.

I brought it up with DP and she says, very sternly, "nope, 100% no. Not going to happen. It's not up for discussion, that's it". Now, this got my back up. I'm not being told I can't buy my DD a rabbit and I couldn't help but think that if we both worked and I wasn't a SAHM, that she wouldn't have felt in the position to say this. I mean, I can certainly understand the cons may outweigh the pros, but we should have at least discussed it, no?

Am I wrong? This was very controling and OTT wasn't it? I was honestly shocked.

Sorry this is so long and probably a bit muddled Would really appreciate your thoughts.

TIA

My first instinct is that a new puppy, a cat and a full time job is quite a lot. I am a single parent who is a sole provider and if my DC asked for a rabbit in your situation I would probably react the same way your OP did.

I don't think she said that because she works outside the home. You say she is kind hearted but perhaps feeling a bit superior. I could be a mile off but maybe you don't feel great about yourself at the moment and she is doing so well. I hate to say it but I would feel a bit left out if my DC was doing so well professionally and I was trying to get well from depression and anxiety.

Could you have a frank chat with her. If she is kindhearted she will be upset that you are still a bit low and will try to allay your fears.

Mention that your job at home enables her to focus on her job. Without you she would have no puppy, rabbit, content child, organised home and cooked meals.

You can be a great team so long as you speak up. She can't read your mind. I really hope you start to feel well again. I am a bit jealous of your set up. All the best.

It's ok for her to say no, it's not ok for her to say it's not up for discussion.

This has gone beyond the rabbit issue thanks to that attitude.

Maybe she just had a shit day at work.

I would be inclined to cut her some slack - I'm sure most of us, SAH, WAH, WOH or whatever, when caught on a bad day and sounded out about a new pet, might respond in a similar manner!

Doe she do other thinks that make you feel outranked?

Did she have any input into the dog and cat?

I think she can say it's not up for discussion. Bringing a pet into the house everyone should have chance to veto it for whatever reason.

I think she can say it's not up for discussion. Bringing a pet into the house everyone should have chance to veto it for whatever reason

Which is why you have the discussion to find out why they object.

If my dh just presented a brick wall no aon something I was considering and didn't even do me the courtesy of saying why, I'd not accept that. It's rude and dismissive.

I’m a SAHM and DH is a high earner. If I mentioned getting a rabbit I imagine he’d say something similar, just because he just wouldn’t want one! Nothing to do with superiority in his case.
If he mentioned getting a cat I’d say the same, because I really don’t like cats (we have a dog).

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, I definitely do struggle with my own self confidence and as proud as I am of DP, I do sometimes feel a bit rubbish about myself. That said, I honestly don't think that that's why I'm upset about this. I'm upset because I felt belittled.

She has at times acted in a similar way and it tends to come from nowhere. She seemed in a good mood at the time. Not stressed, it was a weekend and she seemed quite up before that.

I would understand if she had just said no, she didn't think it was a good idea, but the tone was so final.

Joy, rude and dismissive were the exact words I used to DP.

TBH I would probably say the same regarding a rabbit (also a SAHM with a cat and a puppy!).

Not sure I would call this a control thing unless she does it all the time with other things.

I generally think if your DD isn't that into the cat or puppy the novelty of the rabbit will wear off very quickly and you'll have a neglected and unwanted animal to care for.

It doesnt spund like you want a rabbit. Also, ive seen my cat drag a rabbit through our catflap and the scream from that rabbit i just wouldnt have one with a cat. Finally, please dont keep a rabbit outside in a cage.

She may not have meant to be dismissive though - chat to her about it. My DH is a sahp, I am a high earner. He has vetoed a puppy till next year. It's not up for discussion for us. He's not being rude or dismissive but we both have to agree.

TBH the tone and backstory are all important here, and we don't know these.

I don't think it's wrong that she would react with an "absolutely no" and with something like this, no - there doesn't have to be a discussion.

Two other things concern me though:

• you shouldn't be doing this out of guilt, I don't believe for a moment that your 10 year old have never asked for anything before, and got it, so don't fall for that little typical 10yo plea
• rabbits are social animals and should live in pairs, you would anyway need to do more research

You've only just got a puppy - yoy'f have had the same "no" from me and "I don't want my home turning into a zoo"