Growing a back bone

[burntoutmum]

How can I grow one? Because I need one!!

I fell out with probably my best friend a few months ago. She said something about my son which was totally unjustified ( she has always just said it as it is) and I asked her to stop. We have barely spoken since but see each other most days ( we do School walks with mutual friends). I’ve tried to instigate us making up but haven’t really got anywhere. I assumed she felt embarrassed that she’d upset me ( like I would be if a friend told me I’d upset them)

Yesterday was my birthday. No message or anything. I felt really down about it - especially as she makes a big deal of her birthday and I made a big fuss of her at the time.

So I couldn’t deal with it anymore, every day is awkward and I wanted to sort it out, so I messaged her.

I was wrong, the lack of contact between us wasn’t due to her feeling embarrassed, it was due to her being furious that I’d told her I was upset and that I’d ruined our friendship. I should have just kept it to myself.

I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I thought we were friends, I’d be devastated if something I did/said upset someone, but in her mind I shouldn’t have said anything and kept it bottled up.

I’ve now got to face facts that nothing is going to change. I had hoped that if she was embarrassed that I could have said it was ok and could we move on, but I can’t now.

So I need to work out how I move on from this. How I grow a back bone and stop let people get to me so much.

I do suffer with Anxiety so do struggle to cope with stuff like this. I’m very sensitive to how I think people feel about me . I’m basically my own worst enemy and need to pull up my big girl pants and move on

Your friend doesn't sound all that to be honest. Was she criticising your son?

Sounds like she is the one with an issue here & it may be that nothing you do will make the situation better. You just have to move on.

Are you having any therapy or counselling for your anxiety? Your friendship fears could be related to that & a sign of something that needs more than a post on Mumsnet?

If someone upsets you and then twists it round so it's your fault then they're not much of a friend really.

With regards to your anxiety, CBT might be useful?

Yes she was criticising him Margo, she claims she wasn’t but then can’t explain what she meant if she wasn’t being nasty? Hope that makes sense!

She’s always been that way, she’s always the type to say it as it is. She doesn’t seem to have a filter or consider that what she’s saying may not come across very nicely? I’ve just had to bite my tongue along the way. Other than that though we got on brilliantly and helped each other through a lot of things. I think I just thought better of her, and I was wrong

I’ve had counselling for my anxiety, it’s not great at the moment so I’m arranging some more as it really helped at the time

Sounds to me like perhaps you found your spine and asked your 'friend' to stop saying things about your son & she didn't like it.

You've tried to make amends, so I would leave it/her for now.

Thanks all

Absolutely sounds like her loss.

I am a VERY honest person but there's a difference between honesty with tact and diplomacy and just plain nasty and expects the world to run their way.

You've done nothing wrong.

Go to counselling (I too have anxiety and have had similar issues in the past, at 45 and with more age, experience and counselling behind me this kind of thing stresses me much less than it used to).

In addition to the counselling I would recommend some assertiveness training (free online).

But sometimes you need to accept that a person isn't the friend you thought they were.

Had the same with my mum,she said something about one of my kids, I told her I was upset, we talked it through, thought we had sorted it, next day she'd told me that she had been up all night, was upset that I'd said anything and when I tried to tell her why I had spoken about it she told me "I'm not having this conversation" which in fact meant I had no right to reply!!! I haven't spoken with her in 4 years. No one has the right to shut you up. Chalk it down to good luck that you found out what she was really like and move on.

I’ll look into the assertiveness course, I certainly need it !