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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

In need of some relationship advice, unsure if I am the problem, or if I am with a narcissist?

8 replies

dani1394 · 02/10/2017 13:36

Hi everyone. I have been in this almost toxic relationship for 6 years. I am currently 24, my boyfriend/partner is 29. We have a 4 year old son together. Currently I’m finding day to day life emotionally challenging due to his short temper and jealousy. He is also involved in a line of work I would rather not describe but non the less it is something he shouldn’t be doing. He smokes cannabis daily multiple times, I’m not sure if this has any effect on his behaviour to me. He is in good health and is a fantastic father to our son and gives him lots of time and thoughtful activities are something he plans often. Although his health is great, he eats very badly just junk mainly sweets and chocolate instead of meals. Last year I turned things around for myself and got into bodybuilding. I train 5 days per week of which he gets very jealous about, he thinks I am interested in other men and hates that my clothing to the gym is so tight. But this has been going on for so long I feel there is no support there for me. He is extremely sarcastic towards me to the point I cry most days. He has been violent in the past. Nothing in the past couple of years but the aggressive streak is most defiantly still there with his swearing and choice of vulgar words. I can’t decide if he is just an idiot taking the easy route in life with the gift of the gab able to charm many into thinking he’s perfect & he defiantly changes his entire personality according to who he is around. Or if I am part of the problem or at least 50% of it, I wonder if I should cook him hot meals for lunch and dinner everyday as he expects, (I don’t) as he is home every day at these times. Sometimes I’ll do him lunch but we don’t eat the same as I mentioned before. I just feel as if I’m slowly being pulled into a dark hole by the way I am treated by him. I wondered if anybody could offer advice? Neither of us have cheated. Neither of us have committed any ‘major’ things we hold against each other, aside from my gym attire he has literally caused more havoc than you could imagine over them. I am so torn, it’s like he is two people.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 02/10/2017 13:38

If you were my daughter I would stage an intervention and risk my life to get you away from this man.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 02/10/2017 13:41

Advice? Leave him obviously, he's a violent drug addict and reading between the lines possibly a criminal by your description.
Great father he is not.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2017 13:49

What do you get out of this so called relationship now?. What keeps you with this person at all?. Your innate fear of him?

You got with this individual when you were 18 and thus had no life experience behind you; being in a relationship with him has cost you dearly. He targeted you really and has in part made your life the ways it is now.

How on earth can he be a fantastic father to his own son if he treats you and in turn him with such contempt?. Women in abusive and or otherwise dysfunctional relationships where paranoia features often write such comments when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man as indeed you have done. Would you want your son to behave like his dad does as an adult?. No you would not want this for him.

Myheartbelongsto · 02/10/2017 13:51

He's not a fantastic role model for his son though is he.

Leave!

dani1394 · 02/10/2017 13:54

It’s most defiantly true that I do not desire for my son to grow up and going down the path he has chosen or possessing some of his qualities. All be it I am far from perfect. I do just desire a more widely known as ‘normal’ family type life. We currently live together just a rental, but it’s never been financial dependency. I am not scared of going it alone as a single parent. I’m overwhelmed as I do not find it very easy to make friends I’m quite an anxious person. All be it I understand this has a chance of changing over time with my effort to do so. Thank you for taking the time to reply to my question it means a lot to me that anybody even read it x

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 02/10/2017 13:55

He is violent, is involved in something dodgy and makes you cry most days. You shouldn't stay with someone like that just because he plays with his son a lot. Do you have any friends or family who can help you extract yourself from this man? Or please contact Women's Aid etc.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2017 14:06

All be it I am far from perfect. I do just desire a more widely known as ‘normal’ family type life

No-one is perfect. You will never have a "normal family life" so long as you and he are at all together.

Seek proper help for your anxiety from the GP (it may well be that this man is the root cause of this anyway) and get this individual out of your lives asap. He is simply dragging you and your son down with him by association.

Where are your friends and family here, can you rely on their support?.

Men like this do not change; you cannot yourself make him a better person. This is the real him, who he is. He does not listen to you anyway so what chance have you got at all with him in the long term. Absolutely none.

dani1394 · 02/10/2017 14:13

Thanks again for your advice. Seeing the GP for some advice or medication for my pressumed anxiety is something I want to do & will be doing. As I don’t want a life where I don’t feel so anxious to meet new people or even speak to anyone in person that’s new. I have only a couple of friends quite literally, they’ve been bugged by me repeadtly for years and stuck by me as friends over the years but I try not to mention it to them anymore these days as I don’t want to lose my friends because of him. Or because of him making me moan so much about my relationship but having not left yet. Also my family are actually very aware of my feelings, my dad disconnected himself from me entirely 2 years ago and hasn’t spoken to me since, due to him hating the father of my son so so much. But the rest of my family seem to think he is regardless of his criminality ‘good to me’ they think he is a good father and does a lot for us as a family. Although they only get this presumption from short family occasions. So my support right now is actually not really existent unfortunately. I would desperately love to meet some good new people to have in my life but that’s a totally different matter and all links to my anxiety. Thanks again x

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