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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband is unhappy

17 replies

swizzlestar · 02/10/2017 13:29

We've been together for over 12 years, married for 8. We have two dc's together.

We've had lots of issues, mostly coming from his direction - porn, online hook up sites, illegal steroid use and jealousy and distrust.

The latest incident occurred when I had to be in London overnight for work. I work in a very social male dominated industry. I've been doing this for over 20 years, and am pretty well known within the industry. He has lots of issues with this, and kicked off over the fact that I didn't text him when I got back to the hotel. To be honest, I didn't even think about it! I'd had a few drinks, it was 1am and I was shattered.......

Following on from this, he's told me outright that he doesn't trust me and also that he's never happy. I don't really know where we can go from here. He won't go to counselling, but if he won't make the effort to go then what else is there?!

I should probably add that I'm the main earner in our household.

OP posts:

TeenagersandFurbabies · 02/10/2017 13:30

LTB

Original poster

swizzlestar · 02/10/2017 13:31

That is my gut reaction!

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/10/2017 13:33

By online hookup sites do you mean he was meeting random women for sex? If so he's probably judging you by his own disgusting standards and assumes you're fucking around when you're not.

When he says he's unhappy, what does he suggest will make him happier?

Are you happy? If not would be happier away from him?

You can end a relationship if it's not working for you. There isn't a check list of stuff that's bad enough.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2017 13:34

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why have you stayed with him to date given his behaviours?.

I do not think he likes your job nor the fact that you earn more than he does so he snipes about you. If he truly does not trust you nor is happy then why is he still with you at all?. His argument therefore has more holes in it that a sieve; he is simply projecting all his stuff onto you and making you take the blame for his actions.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 02/10/2017 13:36

He doesn't trust YOU?

Anecdoche · 02/10/2017 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 02/10/2017 13:38

Just LTB. He's proved you can't trust him, he's controlling about your work, he shows no interest in working on things WITH you but expects you to change. Ditch him.

RedastheRose · 02/10/2017 13:41

Most probably he is projecting! He is thinking that you are doing what he is doing himself or what he would do if he got the chance. What do you get out of your marriage? If he won't go for counselling then the answer is you split up. The only thing you can do is say 'I'm not living my life justifying myself to you, you either trust me or you don't and if you don't I can't help that.' Then tell him you will go to counselling with him if he wants to go but if he won't then you think some time apart is needed. If he wants your relationship to survive then perhaps he will think again about counselling. If he won't then the relationship doesn't mean enough to him and that gives you your own answer.

Lillygolightly · 02/10/2017 13:47

How long has he been doing steroids, does he take Orals/tablets or does he inject? Does he actually know what he's doing with them, side effects, cycle therapies etc? I ask because this is somewhat relevant to his behaviour. I don't obviously know how long he has been doing them for, but the increased testosterone can cause increased aggression/anxiety and as a knock on effect can build excess eastrogen in the system and also cause mood swings and emotions much like PMT. Also if he has a period where he stops using but doesn't do a post cycle therapy it can cause a depression period as he own body has stopped producing testosterone as it didn't need to due to the excess amounts contained in the steroid he used.

I explain this not as a way to excuse his behaviour, but give reason to it. Even the sexting and hook up sites can be a symptom of this as increased testosterone increases sex drive and sexual urges and depending on the steroids he uses can also cause sexual dysfunction including erectile dysfunction. All of the above have an impact on mood, behaviours, reactions.

Often those who partake in steroids have low self esteem to start with and instead of making it better it often compounds the issue. Steroids can be done somewhat safely and without much negative side effects but it really requires a lot of knowledge and learning how to take properly.

You as his partner are obviously subject to the side effects of his behaviour. Now the man could just be a git and have all these issues without the steroids, and only you/he know what he does and how much it plays a part in his behaviour.

I know that's probably not the advice you were after, but I do hope it gives some insight.

Sorry your having a tough time.

Original poster

swizzlestar · 02/10/2017 13:50

He signed up to online hook up sites and similar, but I've only ever caught him using online chat. As far as I'm aware he's never met up with anyone.....

I'm not happy, no. But equally he's generally good with the kids, although dd is now 11 and recognises what a grump he can be. The old "grumpy daddy" thing is a bit of a joke with them. On the whole he's lovely to me, if you didn't know all this back ground you'd think we had an ideal marriage.

I don't know what would make him happy! Surely the fact that we have a nice life (we're not rolling in money, but far from skint!), two gorgeous children and he has a bloody good wife should be enough??? He did have a rubbish childhood, he hasn't had it easy by any stretch of the imagination and was abused, but he's never addressed that and refuses to. I think this is why he won't try the marriage counselling.

Right now all I'm getting out of this is childcare......

OP posts:

Original poster

swizzlestar · 02/10/2017 13:53

Lillygolightly he doesn't take them any more. It's something I've discovered on several occasions, by accident. I don't know anything about it, but they were in tablet form.

He does have a genuine long term medical condition that means he very occasionally has a dose of steroids to reduce the symptoms.

He does have a tendency to towards depression, and has taken AD's on and off for years. He doesn't like the side effects, whereas he's a much nicer person when he's one them.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2017 14:25

Walk away and never look back. I promise you will be SO much happier. You don't even realize how much better your life will be without all that dysfunction clouding everything.

Isetan · 02/10/2017 14:34

He's judging you by his very own low standards. Ask him what he intends to about his unhappiness? His unhappiness is code for you not jumping to his tune. You've spent far too long pandering to this entitled pathetic excuse for a man, it's your choice if you want to continue that thankless task.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/10/2017 14:37

If he won't consider counselling he's not really giving you any options than to end the marriage. Is he hoping you'll be the one to pull the plug so that he can be the 'good guy'?

Shoxfordian · 02/10/2017 18:05

He's jealous and acting like an idiot
Ltb

TheNaze73 · 02/10/2017 19:55

He's judging you by his very own low standards

This exactly

Original poster

swizzlestar · 02/10/2017 20:28

I think deep down he knows that it's over but is hoping I'll be the one to end it, whereas I'm hoping he'll leave!!

To be honest, if I thought we could save it then I'd fight tooth and nail to make it work. Ive been divorced before and really hoped not to find myself in this situation again. I feel like a failure tbh....

OP posts:

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