Hi, wondering if you can help...
I am in my late thirties and my partner in his late forties. We have been together nearly 3 years, bought a house together last year and have two lovely dogs, home and jobs.
We have had rows like other couples and when I was ill last year I felt distanced like I needed to sort myself out first of all. When I did I had time apart from him and felt good about it too. I started to invest time at the gym, looking good and eating healthy which helped hugely. (I pushed him away as wasnt too sure what to do about my health and wasnt the best way to deal with things I know) Then I wanted him to see me in a new light like I was more confident again as he gave me a lot of space whilst I was ill which was lovely but I was also very distant from him and felt really low...he had a lot of patience with me.
When we use to argue we are both quite fiery and words were said which was really making me feel low afterwards, I was always the one showing this low emotion afterwards, not him as such so I always thought he didnt care. He just admitted he doesnt know how to communicate at times or own up to his emotions for fear of me rejecting him or pushing him away, which has never happened but wished he would try to do this with me.
We spend all our time at weekends together as we are not really out there characters with others. He plays golf, I read, write and play tennis.
I go to the gym most days and see some of my friends in the week too.
We enjoy dancing and skiing together which we are planning more trips together but I have lost my confidence in both, there is this thought in my mind of "I cant do this or I am not good at this anymore?"
However when we are together he is on his phone playing games when waiting for something or when we are watching tv its like he needs his brain to be continuously stimulated. This also happens when we are in a room together, he is always playing games on his phone...., when I am working he is on his xbox which is like his escapism after 10 hours at work which is fine and he doesnt do this all the time only about 5 hours or so a week.... when I bring something up or talk about something deep he yawns and does this around others too. So what happens is I go quiet which isn't like me. He said to me today, " what are you thinking, this isn't like you to be quiet, normally when you are quiet you are thinking something deeply and its going to be really bad, I am use to you speaking your mind about everything, I don't like it when you are quiet?" I said it was nothing and just tired. He is right this isn't normally me.
This is a man who is quiet a lot and its hard at times to get anything from him but he is a good man, he helps around the house all the time, with the chores, food, the dog etc and works long hours in the week too.
I know I need to work on something about myself here. He says our relationship is amazing and we are really good for one another which is true...however I cant get this thought out of my head...
I keep on having dreams of him leaving me and what this is making me feel, pretty traumatised and down. Like someone had died, I told him about this and he said, are you really that insecure about us? I said well its when we argue like we did the other day, i have to retreat and be on my own after we have argued and feel like I have gone 10 steps back in our relationship. We have spoken about being more calmer when we argue and for me to ask for things better rather than demand. Which gets his back up and I get that. He agreed too.
However he says he doesnt need to worry about the relationship like he use to as he just gets on with his life and thats it really...he feels secure.... he use to be really insecure about us but has actually gone the other way in being quite confident with me and I am the one feeling down and insecure its like roles reversed.
I am in the house a lot with my work during the week so don't have many people around but often see clients in the week say around 4 -5 and when I was ill I lost about 1.5 stone and this made me feel awful so physically I don't feel as sexy as I use too, he has mentioned I need to put on more weight, mind you everyone is telling me this....lol
He tells me a lot he loves me and cuddles me and apparently still finds me attractive but doesnt come on to me anymore which is what he use to as when I was ill he couldnt so its become a habit now I guess.
I use to be really bubbly and out there and enjoyed our times, now I am getting quieter and quieter and more introvert and losing myself being quite needy which is making me feel worse and more down which is a catch 22. I feel boring towards him too and feel like I need him around and hate him going out or become controlling which isn't like me... or he is bored of me and this worries me.
I also feel more dappy and not as intelligent as him so when we start talking I don't feel I have the knowledge around a topic he is discussing or the common sense. So start to just not say anything or lack confidence to feel what I say is interesting now. Like I daren't say anything. I use to feel good about myself and my looks but now quite the opposite and want to feel sexy, intelligent and desired.
I guess I am looking for reassurance from him when I need to find this alone or on my own outside of our relationship to gain back more confidence and self esteem. Anyone else had this before?
This was mainly after we had a huge row and I broke it off needing to find myself better health instead of talking this through with him. I am not good at talking things out, instead I retreat and go cold and leave that person, only for them to say thats it I cant handle you anymore.
He said when he hears it from him its over you will know its definitely over, (this is what I FEAR).which is very true...whereas for me its like I have a low moment and instead of saying NEED time alone I leave.....bad I know, so we have got through this twice when its happened.
I want to accomplish things and don't feel as intelligent as him or as financially secure as lost a part of my job last month too. So its like I need a kick up the backside!! Everything I start I may not always finish, even wanting to go out with friends, sometimes I cancel. I fear many things and wish this would go away, but my fear is him seeing through all my weaknesses and finding me too hard work and boring and leaving me...as you can see my insecurities are getting worse!
sorry for the long post, just wondering if anyone else had this with any partners or current with insecurity issues...xx