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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Feel like I don't know my friend at all.

21 replies

thenightsky · 01/10/2017 21:54

Will try to get it all in so as not to drip feed.

Last year BFF was in a bad state with her marriage and needed to get out/get space. At the this time I was booked to go away on my hobby long weekend and felt bad that I wouldn't be there to support her. In a rush of blood to the head I said... 'come with me'. She jumped at the chance, despite me saying... it might be boring for you... we'll be talking hobby all the time' etc. She confirmed that this was fine and she was just so grateful for me introducing her to new people etc. She came, it was good and she said.... 'whenever you go again, please take me'.

Cut to last weekend... I took her to Wales hobby meeting. She appeared to enjoy the first day, but come the evening meal she got mega-pissed and spent the evening going on about how fucking boring it was (my hobby). This was in front of my hobby related friends. Loads of ranting about 'boring boring boring'. She was going around the dinner table nicking other hobby members puddings and being generally embarrassing.

I should add this is a hobby that involves a lot of people not drinking at all or drinking very little at all.

These people are my friends and I feel stung that she's done this in front of them.

I don't know how to approach her behaviour with her. I feel I need to clear the air some way. I also plan to never ever take her again.

I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I also feel I need to clear the air with my hobby friends. I suspect they were eye-rolling at the time and wondering why I'd taken her.

Not sure what I'm asking. I just want my hobby friends to not think bad of her I guess.

Fuck.

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 01/10/2017 22:22

Drop her like a bloody STONE ....

SeaEagleFeather · 01/10/2017 22:31

She behaved badly and you can't control how they see her ... they see her with the eyes of outsiders.

I'd keep the two sets of friends very far apart from now on. Thats all you can do.

Original poster

thenightsky · 01/10/2017 22:31

Gem that's my first instinct too, but I've know her and supported her for a lot of years. She has apologised too, but I have this nagging thing in my head that says... drunk people tell the truth.

OP posts:

Original poster

thenightsky · 01/10/2017 22:33

sea yes, I think that's the only way.

OP posts:

JoyceDivision · 01/10/2017 22:36

cool things, if you don't want to drop her, keep in touch, but keep her at arms length from 'your' social activities.

Tbh it sounds to me like she behaved when you were helping her and she was reliant on you but now she'snot, she can't be arsed to display basic good manners.

DJBaggySmalls · 01/10/2017 22:39

Is she a friend? Or is she using you and will drop you like a hot potato as soon as she finds someone else to latch on to?

AtSea1979 · 01/10/2017 22:43

She behaved like an idiot. I'm surprised you didn't pull her to one side at the time and tell her to pack it in. The horse has bolted. Hopefully she'll have a raging hangover and be very remorseful. The silent treatment for a while should get her questioning what happened.

Original poster

thenightsky · 01/10/2017 22:45

She is a friend, and she has mega relationship issues with her abusive DH. She also drinks far too much (IMO). On the wales weekend I could feel my heart sink wherever she said 'I'll just have another large dry white wine please'.

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacle · 01/10/2017 22:48

did you not at one point get her on her own and ask her what the fuck she was playing at?

Original poster

thenightsky · 01/10/2017 22:49

AtSea The silent treatment is where I'm at the moment. Luckily nobody from my hobby group has said anything, but I don't know if it's been discussed and they are keeping quiet to save my feelings.

OP posts:

Original poster

thenightsky · 01/10/2017 22:52

AlternativeTentacle Not on the night, no. She was hammered and hit the pillow. Next morning I did have it out with her though coz she asked me what was wrong (I was being cold). She apologised to me and said stuff like 'fucking drink makes me like this'.

OP posts:

needtimewithwineandlesswhine · 01/10/2017 22:54

She is lucky to have a friend like you who would invite her to take part in what is obviously a loved hobby. We've all done things stupidly when drunk but this was rude, disrespectful and embarrassing for you. Get her told how you feel and don't invite her again.

affectionincoldclimate · 01/10/2017 23:55

If you love your friends, which you do as you wouldn’t take her with you and speak with such compassion about her troubles, have it out with her.
She is drinking too much, and by the sounds of it knows it too. It’s probably the way she’s coping with the divorce.
As someone who used to drink heavily for the same reason, what really made a difference was someone bluntly telling me that my drinking was out of control and they no longer wanted to hang out unless I did something about it. Next day my two best friends accompanied me to get assessed for treatment. It was a wake up call and my life has changed beyond recognition.

Your friend has been through a massive trauma by the sounds of it. She needs to stop drinking and start working on it so she can live the rest of her life rather than just survive it. You could be the catalyst. She’ll have to do the work herself.

Good luck. She’s lucky to have you.

verystressedmum · 02/10/2017 01:11

She's not interested in your hobby and funds it boring the only reason she went was for something to do.
Don't take her again, she's ruining it for you. Do other things with her or let her find her own hobbies.

TheGirlOnTheLanding · 02/10/2017 07:37

If you had to tell her why you were upset, then that suggests she didn't remember how she'd behaved. Which to me definitely says her drinking is out of control - even if she hadn't behaved badly, drinking enough that you don't remember what you did or said the previous evening means there's a problem.

It's a difficult conversation to have, but if you want to salvage the friendship I'd raise it with her, perhaps framing it that you're worried about it, both about the memory loss and the out of character behaviour, and can't turn a blind eye to something so destructive.

lynmilne65 · 02/10/2017 07:41

id explain
I had a horrible abuse in an email Let it go, she will hurt more than you (I hope!) ☠️

Original poster

thenightsky · 02/10/2017 09:12

She claimed she couldn't remember saying what she had, but then started crying and saying 'it's the fucking drink that makes me like this'. Yes , I think it probably is. I know her dh uses this against her when they have their rows.

OP posts:

BMW6 · 02/10/2017 10:24

Perhaps she has more of a drinking problem than a DH problem?

Original poster

thenightsky · 02/10/2017 11:15

I'm starting to think that too sadly.

OP posts:

bluit · 02/10/2017 11:18

You say you've known her and supported her for a lot of years, is the traffic all one way?

Original poster

thenightsky · 02/10/2017 18:57

bluit She has been kind and supportive to me in the past and is a good listener. Although, to be fair, I would say she is the more vulnerable one and therefore requires more support. She's more physically frail than me (asthma, endless chest infections, suspected heart attack in the summer, plus other stuff) Every time she is ill (often) her DH blames it on her drinking. So yes, I suppose it is a bit of a one-way street.

OP posts:

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