Who do I believe??

[Bombasa]

My DH took my son (10) and our friends son (also 10) on a mountain bike ride today, they were to spend all day in the woods with a picnic etc which I thought was lovely.

Anyway they dropped off friends son before coming home and told me what a great time they'd had. Pleased for them I put the dinner on, DH went on the PC and DS went out to play.

I then recieved a phone call from my friend (the boys mum) and she was a bit upset, she said she appretiated my DH taking her son out for the day and didnt want to cause a fuss but her son came home very upset saying that my DS had been bullying her son all day and to make matters worse my DH was laughing at the insults and towards the end of the day even started doing it himself!!

I was a bit sceptical so said I would talk to DS and to then to DH later. So I spoke to DS who got upset and denied it all saying he was lying to get him into trouble. So not sure who to believe I went to speak to DH who instantly burst out laughing and said "I can't believe he went back and whinged!" so I asked him outright "were you calling him squareface and harry potter?" and he was doubled up in hysterics. I got pissed off with him in the end and when he realised how cross I really was he apologised for laughing and said it wasnt true, the boy was whinging all day apparantly and DS and DH decided to just ignore him so he got stroppy and DH reckons thats why he's made these lies up.

DS has been very quiet since, DH keeps smirking and I just don't know what to do, I want to apologise to our friend but what if DH is telling the truth? on the other hand I don't want to fall out with our friend either and I would hate her to think DH took her son out just to upset him and rip the piss out of him. I'm dreading her husband finding out too as he's not struck on DH as it is.

Am I making too much out of this or should I press DH for the details?

Sorry for the name change but I dont want to be recognised, I find it all very embarrasing, especially as I'm always singing DH's praises.

Your Dh's original reaction sounds like the other boy is telling the truth tbh.

Thats what I feared

i agree with nutty

I agree with Nutty - sorry.

Sounds to me as if your dh needs a swift kick. He was in a position to stop whatever was going on, and chose to join in with bullying instead.

Think you need to speak to DH again.

dh's story doesn't seem to make sense from your post - first he acknowledges something happened and can't believe the boy didn't think it was in jest, then denies it altogether?

I think your DH has a mental age of nine TBH. Think you should call the friend and apologise and then tell DH to grow up - sorry!

Nutty speaks the truth.

What may be exasperated snapping on the part of your dh at a 10 year old not behaving in the expected manner, may well be felt more deeply by the 10 year old victim.

If your dh was being a bit harsh with your friend's son, then I wouldn't blame your ds for joining in.

maybe ds called him the names, when dh started laughing the friend thought he was in on it too? from a generous point of view

ask your h how he would feel if it had been this boy and his father behaving like that to your son?

I would be furious with your DH because he was ment to be the responsible adult here & if this did happen which it sounds like it did from your dh's reaction then this is appaling!

I would also be furious if someone's dh/dp done this to me son whilst taking him out for the day.

I would speak to your Dh again, let him know you want to know what exactly has been going on & then take it from there, if this is true & did happen then i am sure your ds's friend will not be allowed out with your dh ever again, what a nasty thing to do i bet you are fuming!

You really need to ask dh for the FULL story, it may well be that the other boy isn't totally blameless - they are 10 afterall. Is this boy a good friend - do they generally spend a lot of time together? If so, I don't think that its very helpful to just assume that its all dh's fault.

I think you should ring and apologise and maybe dh should apologise to the boy too, and your ds should apologise

I agree with princesscc - the truth may well be half way between the two stories. Can you sit dh down (in a way that means he's likely to be honest, not just keep to his story) and get him to describe what happened in detail?

I just read this out to DP who has the mental age of a 10 year old boy and he said he reckons that your dh is not being entirely honest here because of his laughter and comment.
From someone with the mental age of a 30 year old (me) I don't necessarily think that your DH would have been calling him the names himself but it does sound like he knew it went on and didn't discourage it. I don't think this is totally wrong maybe just thoughtless especially if your DH has the kind of relationship with your own ds where they have abit of banter. It is easy to overlook the fact that not all families are like that and that 10 year old boys are still kids who may take things to heart if they are not used to it. IT is also entirely possible that the boy had been laughing along at the names and that a fall out may have happened later so he has gone home and tattled even though at the time he was in on the game.

I would talk to him but not go in all guns blazing just try and get a clearer picture of what is going on.

Exactly. Don't assume that just because this mother has complained to you that your dh & ds are bullies. I am speaking from experience. I was dragged aside by a parent in the playground when my dd was 5 and told that she had been horrid to her dd, so I was straight in with the apologies and even made my dd write a note to this child. That was 5 years ago and without fail every single term since then, this mother has complained about a child being horrid to her dd. Even now I regret dragging my dd over the coals for something which was probably nothing. You may never get to the bottom of it completely, but whatever happens, its not up to YOU to apologise anyway, you weren't even there!

I read your dh's response differently - when he said 'I can't believe he went home and whinged' did he mean 'I can't believe he went home and whinged after whinging to us all day?'?
You may never get to the bottom of it, but your dh and ds aren't necessarily in the wrong.

See I would have agreed with you if he hadn't laughed so much.
I think the apple does not fall far from the tree here and that something did happen but the boy has gone home in a u huff and made a big deal out of what at the time was nothing.

If the boy went home upset and complained to his mum, then something was wrong with the day even if he had been a pain and whinged. Because he was the guest of your DH and DS, and it was up to them (mainly your DH) to ensure that he was OK. It does sound to me like your DH knows something was going on in the way of name-calling, even if it was supposed to be teasing, and that the boy didn't like it. He should have put a stop to it straight away.

I would apologise profusely to the boy and his mother - really your DH and DS should do it, but do you think that your DH is man enough to? (Not intending any criticism, but a lot of men seem to think that apologising to a child is like admitting they have got a small penis)